I can't fucking do this shit
I just need to vent, I want to fucking die, I'm so fucking overstimulated, and I am all alone with my brainless fucking grandma who can't see and refuses to listen, with three dogs, and I don't know what to do. I officially have no home, and no one else because we're moving to Canada today. I am stuck here waiting for my mom's friend to pick us up at the goddamn hotel because of course somehow everything else went to fucking shit at home as my parents try to pack everything else up. These next few months are going to be fucking hell, I am gonna lose all progress with my mom's and I's relationship because my grandma can't fucking exist without drama because she is a narcissist who refuses to take care of herself and her dumbass dog, my parents are gonna fight like hell, and I'm going to be all alone. I cannot fucking do this, I can't. I want to fucking die, I'm leaving all of my found family behind, the three women who are my true mother/grandmotherly figures are all elderly and I will probably never be able to see them again, and I don't know what to do, they are the only ones I truly trust aside from my best friend who has her own issues with her family. I am gonna be stuffed into a house with my stupid grandma and heartless mom.
Not to mention that I have been quietly dying inside due to my parents promising me when we got a house we would live in town because I have been isolated from town my whole life due to living on a ranch 12 miles out of town, and I know I can get my driver's license next year and a car, but my dad told me my mom was trying to convince him to look at a house 5 miles out of town, despite promising she would live close to town. We have 5 horses and I know that we need acreage but I was promised we would live close to town. Because my mental state can't handle not being around kids my age, and not having access to town. But now my mom doesn't care because it's always about her dream, and she's so "heartbroken we're moving away from her dream place in Wyoming to a bare Wheatland." As if I'm not losing my support system, my friends, and my family. The only reason we're moving is for my education, education meaning college, and she always does this, she does things for future me, but never for present me, because present me is never worthy enough to actually care for, then she wonders why I attempt to commit suicide. She wonders why I want to die. She doesn't try to get to know me, the only way I can spend time with her is if I do shit she wants to do, never what I want to do, even though I go horse riding with her to appease her, even when I hate it. She never returns the favor. Then she has this expectation that I'm going to stay in Canada for my education, I'm not, I'm planning to go to Spain or france to get my college education as a lawyer or something in government. Not to mention our family has so many health problems it's ruled out that I probably can't have my own kids, because I would already be depositing them into an expensive and awful world. My family is known for ADHD, and autism, I was born with two bones in my ankle formed where they are not supposed to be, and it fucks up my walk and my kneecap pops, out and I don't want to give my kids that, I wish I had never been born because all of my possibilities have been wiped beneath my heels, and I can only do a job that brings in money, as enforced by my mom, and I can't open my own restaurant in spain, my true dream because I was simply born to carry on the family name, and become a little perfect fucking mini me to my mom, and be a caretaker for her when she gets old, anything but my own person, the only one on my family I trust is my dad because he has stood up for me every step of the way but he his strength in that is slipping. The only hope I have is the ability to escape into Spain or france, I speak Spanish pretty well, I just need to learn French.
But I don't know how I'm supposed to survive these last few years, I'm going to be pushed to the side again, and my depression is just going to get worse.
I don't know what to do. I can't do this.