A little about me first: Im 18, I just graduated highschool last year but I didnt go to University this year, why? because my results werent the best to give me a shot at getting accepted at the things I wanted or thought I wanted to do such as something computer related... all my friends are studying and I feel so out of place sitting at home all day and doing nothing. Last year I kept saying Im going to lock in on my academics so I can achieve my goal of getting into a good Uni but I guess I failed to achieve that aswell... Im not even sure if I really wanted to do that I.T degree or whether I was doing it for the sake of doing it and forcing myself to believe its what I want. (btw im rewriting my final exams in november so that I can use those to get into Uni but I still dont know what I want to do and I havent started studying...)
jump to now, Its 5A.M and I havent slept yet...its been like this for days now, well more than that as I always had a sleep problem for years but thats not the point. I said to myself for multiple days in a row that I want to fix my sleep schedule but I cant even do something that easy without messing it up again because I stay up doing something else. (Sorry if i keep jumping to different topics by the way its one of my first times really expressing all of this)
I have so many interests and so many things I THINK are cool and would want to go into but I can never choose one Im really passionate about to put ALL my effort into so I can choose it as a career path or some sort of guidance, in essence im basically in a "Jack of all traits" phase in life I guess? I like Learning Languages (Iv been trying to learn japanese but I have been going back and forth of being consistent and "taking breaks"), I decided on Japanese because I always had a big interest in Japan and always wanted to go there (once hoped to study there but we can see how that goal ended out)... I love to draw but I never put in effort to practice and get better than I am now but i sometimes get bored of it, I like coding, AI and game development stuff but I dont put in effort to learn it even though its something i find really cool and want to learn, one of my biggest is Content Creation... my dream job (as alot of kids growing up) was to do Youtube and I still am sometimes really passionate about wanting to do it as it takes something i like doing (playing games, video essays about stuff and being entertaining) and makes it a Job while having fun. I can edit decently and I could learn, I also have ideas of videos but I havent put in effort to do any of this even though this is one of my biggest wants... even working out, dont get me wrong I lost alot of weight from around 90kgs to 80-85 then this year from 85-75...but like I feel so slow like this progress is nothing... because I get consistent for a couple days then just quit or get lazy like right now I havent done my cardio in 4 days and every day I say I'll just do it tomorrow (ps. tomorrow ends up being a "ill just do it tomorrow its too late").
I may be missing some stuff but yeah man I just feel so lost in life, I dont know where to go or what to do and I just feel like im wasting my opportunity of life by watching it fly past...
I really want to travel the world and even post all of that to entertain people too while doing game stuff and having fun, I really want to enjoy life and not spend it all miserable and working, I want a nice job that makes me feel happy without having to live paycheck to paycheck, and I really want to explore all my interests to find out what I really want to do but I cant decide between them all and I feel like I dont really like my interests but im pretending to so I can have that feeling of not being useless while feeling complete.
every day that goes past I just think about how I failed at making yesterday matter...
(this is one of my first times doing this sort of thing so I would love some advice on what you guys would do in my situation/how I should take this or just some words of encouragement)
(any questions are welcomed, dont feel bad to ask in the comments :) I appreciate you stranger)