How do you recover from ruminating over someone hurting you and in return emotionally hurting them?
I feel like I am walking a tightrope with one side leaning towards becoming my mother’s abusive ex husband and the other side being actually taking the experience from the situation I put myself in, to be more mindful in my response to someone I deeply care about doing me wrong. I have fallen so far as a man, but my willingness to recover and focus on avoiding projecting toxic behavior towards those who have wronged me motivates me.
Strangers I am kind too tell me I am but I internalize deep rooted self hatred with the actions I have taken in the past and end up questioning whether I am doing good deeds to make up for my selfish and immature behavior in the past. I am prone to manipulation, even at the cost of abandoning self respect to people pleasing in order to prevent losing bonds, especially with romantic partners because my anxious attachment takes ahold of me even if that fear of abandonment is imaginary or unwarranted and logic completely goes out the window.
I impede on boundaries as I recognize I have narcissistic tendencies as well as compulsive behavior that gets to the point where someone has to block me in order for me to get the point and that point being “ I don’t want you anymore and you are a stressing me out. “ I suffer from sunken-cost fallacy with the recent woman and felt entitled that she keep contact because of the investment on my part. I recognize that you can’t force someone to be with you, no matter what avenue you try and even if you use guilt as a tool to attempt to keep them, the bond won’t be genuine anymore and will eventually end.
I have lost so many kind, compassionate, and intelligent women in my life and fear even talking to one because I don’t want to emotionally hurt anyone and not be hurt as well due to the trauma I carry. I believe I may be better off living like that indefinitely sometimes but I still want healthy bonds and want to take the steps to regain the ability to communicate properly my wants and needs without seeming like I am using anyone to achieve that.
I don’t want to turn into the man I loathe.