I contemplate really long about wanting to post it but over the weeks, ive been so hurt and confused. I pray that there is no hurtful replies to my post and i am merely here to seek for encouragement from people who may have gone through similar things. Separation and divorce kept filling up my thoughts although I dont wish for it to happen. I just celebrated ,my 3rd year wedding anniversary. Where do i even begin. Before the anniversary my husband and i had the biggest argument ever and he say things that to me is really hurtful. He asked me what have i done for him in the past 5 years (since dating). I was so puzzled by that because since dating him, i have supported him through the multiple job change and instability as well as financially. Dating him i knew one trait is that he wants it he get it, regardless of how expensive or whether he is able to afford financially. He said he has sacrificed by going to church because i want to, fetching me when i need him to (i lost an eyesight in 2018 and didnt want to drive) - also tbh i hardly asked him to drive me even if its latenight i take the public ride, also said he goes with me to visit my parents whenever i want. Sincerely, my parents dont leave in the same town and when they visit town, its probably 2-3 weeks per trip. I dont suggest to visit on weekdays because i rmb he told me before he gets tired after work. I suggest saturday so sunday i can go to church. But his words have made me feel like a burden.
He claimed himself as christian but he doesnt practice anything. Refuses to attend church service or pray or do devotion. He blamed me that i forced him to church eventhough he hasnt healed from the past. He has never once shared what exactly hurt him and since we dated, he always gave me hope like he will try to heal but takes no effort or actions. My mistake was going from church to church just to find a church that he feels comfy to attend, only to realize he actually feels forced. Funnily when ppl ask if he goes to church, he says yes and says the church im attending. Also while he doesnt attend church, he invited 2 of his female colleagues to join although in the end they didnt come. I didnt really know what to feel. My church friends have really been trying their best to check on him, to invite him for different events but he doesnt respond. When he comes to church he was all smiling and just bonding which made me thought oh yeah this seems positive. Only to realize he said ‘church people are your friends not mine and im only trying to show up for u’. But the church ppl sincerely do welcome him and genuinely wants to be his friend.
Anyway, since the big argument, ive attended therapy myself and i also drew some distance because i was so so hurt and needed some time to process what was said to me. I asked him if he wants to attend a couples therapy he said sure. But 2 sessions we did, he showed up with the attitude like he doesnt care. The therapist asked him how did he feel bout the distant, he said ‘no feeling. Im happy because i can do my things without her saying anything. I go make friends on my own and play my games.’
Im not perfect, i never claimed that i am. In fact i do blame myself and thinking is it all my fault. My therapist told me its really not my fault. I really am trying my best to make him a better man to realize this ‘if he wants change, he will change. If he has the heart, he will work on it with effort. ‘ ive seen how he has shown up for his friends and just goin all out for them. He vapes, he doesnt have any married friends that can help mentor him. Mostly single and younger age friends. I always dont like him vaping because i care bout his health but he finds me annoying for always talking bout it. Usually on our anniversary ill treat him a meal and he will do so as well. This year he just told me he doesnt have money.
There are so many more things that goes on behind the scenes but ill not make this too long. 3 years into marriage, i really do have the regret in me but im trying not to overthink. I got into a big debt because of him as he
Iied and confessed about how he borrowed a lot of loans before he met me just to spend. The debt is not paid monthly by me because he doesnt have money to support me. He also really want a kid and is blaming for not wanting one (because i dont want to raise a kid in this kind of marriage).
My heart really hurts. As much as i want to cling unto this marriage but i also have lost joy. I havent even been on a honeymoon because financially is not possible with him. I will need to pay for him. Im going on a 40 days fast and prayer just to seek clarity from God and hoping to find some peace.
Thank you reading and please i ask that if you dont say anything hurtful if you are replying. I wonder if this is a sign a narcissist in him.