After a long time of trying to fight it and probably a lot of denial. I finally am at the point I need to tell friends and family that my wife is leaving me and we are getting a divorce.
They don’t live local so I’ve been able to put it off for a long time.
My wife has told me she is certain about this, she knows what she will loose and is aware one day she may regret it but is certain she wants divorce to understand who she is now on her own. I’ve offered every option, every possibility of work, but to her own words ‘you can be the perfect husband but it doesn’t make a difference if I don’t want a husband at all anymore’
Part of me has avoided telling people in the hope she’ll change her mind. I think I’ve been holding onto false hope.
The way I discovered her concerns, doubts and desire to leave, was by catching her cheating on me.
I’m aware that it happened more than once and there were multiple days of hiding things and lying to me.
This betrayal and the way I found out and also her refusal to see a couples therapist to work on it all added to the trauma and part of the reason I’m in such a bad place.
A few local friends I’ve told about the divorce have accidentally put their foot in it when I didn’t disclose about the affair. Innocent statements that led to uncomfortable moments when they realised and I was unable to hide it.
A neighbour who was aware of the separation but not the details just casually said ‘these things happen’ as if it were nothing. Obviously unaware of what a bad place I’m in mentally.
A girl I met and told about the divorce but not the affair, quite fairly asked if I had done something horrible to my wife to make her leave.
It seems that divorce is so common these days, many people don’t see it for the loss it is. And that without sharing the details that an affair was involved, people don’t respond with the same kind of compassion or fill in the blanks with their own assumptions of what happened.
Conversely when I have explained the details, people are immediately concerned, gentle, sympathetic and overall just more supportive.
For these reasons, I feel like I ought to share the fact there was an affair and a refusal to work on things, and hence I am struggling with a lot of mental health issues including trusting people and I’m seeking therapy. Because of this, I won’t be able to attend certain things like my uncles anniversary party because it will trigger the PTSD my therapist says the discover of the affair left me with.
I feel without sharing some of the details. I open myself up to uncomfortable moments, incorrect assumptions and remove people’s ability to offer support in the way I think they would.
However I feel guilty about sharing some of these details which will ruin my wife’s relationship with all of these people who’ve been a part of her life for so long.
I don’t want them to think I’m sharing these details out of some vindictive act of getting back at her.
Nor do I think it’s really anyone’s business what goes on in my marriage.
However for the reasons above and mostly the very bad place I am in, it feels like telling them is the right thing to do.
I intend to only share the bare minimum and make sure to not suggest anything more than I know happened.
Is this the right thing to do?
Has anyone got any advice or experience in either sharing or not sharing some of the details?
Tl;dr should I share the fact that my wife had an affair when disclosing the divorce to my friends and family?