My aimlessness is getting out of control
Advice welcome, and appreciated.
M/28/Los Angeles
Chipotle bowl split in half to make a burrito too.
So as long as I can remember I have been a bit scatter brained. I remember when I was a kid I told my brother I wanted to be a war correspondent, and he told me “you want to be something different every day.” I have been thinking about that a lot lately.
My career/ed trajectory has been: food service > carpentry > pet services > BA in English UCSB > retail > legal assistant. All the while, made music albums and played around LA with my band, wrote a few fiction books (self published one, querying the others). hobbied in the arts passionately. I come from a family of actors, my dad, Michael Madsen, for whoever finds that interesting, passed last year. I have brothers trying to make it as actors, and just in general surrounded by aspiring creatives that I think has increased my confusion. I think we all got unrealistic expectations about working in the arts, and after years of putting my all into music and fiction, I’m sort of left empty handed. I still have some cards to play, but nothing that seems life changing. People didn’t care about the music, and the world of fiction has its own gatekeepers. Trying not to sound pessimistic, sorry.
Anyway, my wife (married last year) works as a HS teacher. She has exposed me to normal work, and that has opened my eyes to different lifestyles. Largely how I ended up as a legal assistant, after we went to uni together. She is a blessing, and I love my friends and family, but I got this big career sized void in my life that’s starting to get embarrassing. I just wish I had a solid career that motivated me, but all the paths look gray.
I thought of becoming a lawyer, but in my time at the law office I got disenchanted with how lawyers live and work. They all seem really pent up, and while they are very nice to me and in general, I have just seen a lot of sorrow and loss of control in their lives. That and the insurmountable debt sort of swayed me away from that path, and how my ADHD is making the desk job feel a bit like a cage.
More recently I have been considering going the HS teacher rout too, teaching English. It seems like a great choice, because I love fiction and writing, and I could have guidance from my wife who already took that path. At first it seemed perfect, but now my wife is struggling to find a position and it’s making her depressed, and she has been dropping subtle notes of doubt about me taking that path. The main worry is, if she get an opportunity and we have to move, I might be out of luck at getting a role in the same city or even surrounding cities. And I guess I feel a bit bad about following her path, like idk, I should have my own or something. Can’t tell if it’s just an easy choice, or I’ve gone on autopilot.
I just want moderate financial security. Other paths I considered were in publishing (I run a small literary press called Low Hanging Fruit), in emergency services (I honestly might just not be cut out for it though), carpentry, technical writing, paralegal, and more. But sort of settling on the teaching idea, thinking any field I get into would probably have the same hiring issues I’d face looking for a role near wherever my wife finds one. My most ideal situation is, during all this, I can get a book deal or who knows, maybe something could happen with my music. Kinda typical I know.
But yeah, just feeling a bit disappointed in my position, feeling lack of control because I just can’t choose a path for myself. I don’t think I’m depressed, and I successfully quit weed a year ago after heavy use for like a decade. I’ve had a lot of loss, my dad, my brother, house fire. But I feel confident and passionate about life, but like I said, it’s just this career size hole in my life that is spoiling everything for me. Feeling like my time making music and fiction might have just been a distraction or something, and, especially with music, after it all sort of never went anywhere despite enormous effort (music videos, 5 albums, years of live shows, paid ads, etc) I just feel disheartened and lost. Feels like I was born a year ago.