I want to top my boyfriend and I really, really don't know how to.
My boyfriend is cis and I am trans. We're both 23 and have been together for a year. He has expressed interest in bottoming for me since we got together. I am his first sexual relationship (he hasn't had sex with anyone else before me), so keep that in mind while reading. Nearly every time we have sex, he tops me, which we both are comfortable and satisfied with. He hasn't said anything about wanting to bottom recently, but I've only topped him a few times, and all of those times were just... not it.
I enjoy topping him, in theory. But every time I do, I just feel like I'm bad at it. Like, pathetic and awkward levels of bad. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but it feels like talking to a wall. Part of the problem is that the idea of using a strap on gives me dysphoria to the point where I can't even shop for strap ons online without getting insane bottom dysphoria. I don't even have bottom dysphoria outside of sex with him, so when it hits, I don't know how to cope. I know we don't NEED a strap on to have an enjoyable time, but when we do anything else, neither of us seem satisfied. Personally, I just get frustrated--I want to penetrate him myself, but I can't. The idea of a strap just feels like reinforcing the fact that I don't have a penis. Because of this, we haven't used a strap on yet, but we're planning on getting one soon since we're going on vacation.
I'm trying to find ways to feel confident about it in case it turns out I really can't use a strap on. Riding him doesn't work well either, and when I've power bottomed, he flips the script and takes control instead after a while. I've tried asking him what he wants me to do, to which the answer is ALWAYS "whatever you want to do" or "I don't know." I know that the lack of communication on his part is a driving factor in my lack of confidence, but I'm getting to the point where I'm going to stop asking. I've asked broad and specific questions and they all get the same result.
I'm just confused. I'm fine bottoming 100% of the time. I don't mind the idea of topping, and if he wants me to do it, I will. But HE'S the one who expressed interest in it first, so I expected him to at least have an IDEA of what he wants me to do to him. He also told me (after I asked) that he would like to be more kinky than vanilla, but again, told me to try whatever kinks I wanted to try. I'm not doing because a lot of kinks I have tried while topping him, he ended up not being into. I'm into rougher kinks, so I don't think he would enjoy a lot of it. The few times I have tried rougher stuff (with prior consent), he didn't like it. Some of it even became limits for him.
I'm so frustrated. I really do WANT to top him, I want him to be able to experience that if he wants to. But between his lack of communication and my bottom dysphoria, I just feel disappointed and mad at myself that I can't figure this out for us. Being cis, he doesn't understand my dysphoria very well, and since bottom dysphoria is somewhat new to me, I'm not very good at explaining it to him.
Sorry if this is long, I'm frustrated at looking at advice articles for cis gay men that don't apply to me and my situation.