u/Kdjejsosjanreplwwssj

I made a list of things that have bothered me over the years. These are only the negative experiences, so I want to be fair and say she also cooks for us, cleans, jokes around, and has supported us in many ways.

At the same time, I feel like some of her behavior has contributed to me becoming very self conscious and quiet. I literally can't deepen relationships with friends because my heart pounds every time they invite me. Like idk. She definitely wasn't the only thing contributing to me being this way if she WAS a contributing factor. Whenever I bring that up, she says that her kids (my sister and I) always blame her and the conversation turns into defending herself instead of discussing the issue.

Some examples:

• She frequently criticizes my appearance (mustache, clothes, and scars from prurigo nodularis by saying things like “you need to shave, it looks ugly” or “stop scratching, it looks bad”).
• She sent me a “glow up” video and said “it’s possible!”
• During arguments, she sometimes tells me to shut up instead of talking things through.
• She raises her voice, and when I point it out, she says that's just how she talks.
• She has made comments like “I thought you were good at math.”
• Sometimes when I ask simple questions, she responds with an irritated tone, which makes me avoid asking follow-up questions.
• She has called me a spoiled brat in texts, slammed things when angry, and occasionally given me the silent treatment. The texts and slamming only happened when my dad was away and I was living alone with her.
• There are other incidents too, including one from years ago where she insisted we drink milk that had gone bad. That one was crazy. "Look I'll drink it it's fine". She drinks it. Then I drink it. "Nope that's not fine". "No, it IS fine. Look". She drinks it again. Then my dad comes and pours the milk in the sink and there are just CHUNKS falling out. What the fuck. lol.
• There are more but tbh I got lazy writing them down every time so in my notes I have bullet points that I forgot the context for. rip.

I know this is only my perspective, and no one here can see the whole picture. I'm not asking whether she's a monster; I'm trying to figure out whether these are normal frustrations between parents and adult children, or whether this pattern is genuinely emotionally harmful. Because she often says we're always blaming her, I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm the problem and I'm just digging my own grave.

And honestly if she is bad, it's crazy how deep this goes. Her dad was drunk all the time and abusive. Her mom was worse than her. Man asian generational trauma goes way way back.

But yeah. That's about it.