Needing to vent over my past relationship
I think I'm trying this to vent over a relationship I'm not over yet. Warning - might be long. Also, English is not my first language.
I (f31) was in a relationship for about 4 years with a partner (m33) and I'm disappointed, by his behaviour as well as myself staying so long despite being treated like that.
We started out in late 2021 after meeting on a dating app. I'm also married and he also has another partner (that I will proceed to call meta in this post). He was my first poly partner (in addition to my husband of course, with whom all the relationship work was done well enough to not be part of this vent). Before him I had a few fwb situations but he was the first one to take it to take it to a serious level.
Like all these stories start, everything went really well in the beginning. We clicked very well and also were a great match in bed. I liked his views on relationships and loved learning how to give each other the space while being there.
I'm not exactly sure when and how our problems started, but one of the first big "fights" I can remember must have been in winter 2023. I was at his place over the weekend (about 2 hours away from my home). Around that time he had a lot of stress with his masters thesis, and when I was with him he would always push me away and tell me he needed "me time", which resulted in me spending the weekend at his place, but not really interacting much with him. We met about one weekend per month. I also own a horse that I like to visit during daylight hours which I can't do during the week in winter because the sun has already set after work, so the only chance is the weekend. So I asked him to maybe try to decide already before I come to his place, if he has the capacity, and alternatively made the proposal to change the schedule so that I only stay until Saturday evening so I at least have the Sunday for my horse and don't spend the whole weekend just existing at his place. This resulted in him twisting my request in a way that I ask him to give me attention that he doesn't have and wanting to break up with me because I ask too much things he can't give. I did a lot of sweet-talk and fixed the situation but I think the relationship got its first big crack at that point.
And it went on like this. When he didn't have time for me, I had to accept that (and of course I did!!), but when he wanted me to have time for him I always made time and space for him. Also he often had the behaviour of just assuming (or making up) how I feel about something and then just treating that like a truth he had to act on without even asking me if it was even true, thus deciding things in my name. And when I tried to intervene, then he would again tell me that he doesn't have the capacity to think about that and that I'm always asking too much.
Also he often debated breaking up with me for a lot of reasons. For example he openly debated breaking up with me in front of me before starting his masters thesis so our relationship couldn't "go bad" during his thesis, thus distracting him from it. Also breaking up while our relationship is still "good" because he would rather stay on good terms with me than waiting until we can't anymore. So of course I always felt pressured to be a good, easy, low maintainance partner...
Another thing happened in summer 2024. He had a vacation planned with friends and asked me if I wanted to join since they had an empty space in the house they rented. I happily said yes. He then told me that he also asked my meta but she said she would love to join but can't because of important work appointments during that time. So I thought it was settled. In the end, he decided that I would not like the vacation, so he would not take me with him but meta. But because she (still...) didn't have time and then his friends already asked someone else to join and filled up the empty space, he ended up acting like he was the victim who has to go without a partner then and tried to turn it into a problem between meta and me (like the problem was that he asked both of us). That time, I went no contact with him for several months. Not because of the vacation but because I didn't like the way he decided things in my name. But in the end we talked and I believed him that he understood and would stop behaving like that.
Fast forward autumn 2025. He told me beforehand he was thinking about going to a thermal bath with some friends for his birthday. I said that I would think about it, but since I've not been to thermal baths often and also didn't know his friends and also had a lot of stress in the end phase of my PhD thesis, I wasn't sure if I would join. But I'm pretty sure that we remained that way that he tells me on his decision if the event takes place so I can think about whether I have the energy to join, because I would like to. I took so much care to be very clear on the part to leave the decision to me. Of course, he didn't. He just decided to go alone with meta and told me upon request that he understood that I do not want to go.
Last winter, I was writing down my PhD thesis that I had been working on in the lab since 2020. I asked him to proofread some of it. I also had proofread his master thesis before and helped him out with a lot of university stuff, since we're in related fields. Of course he didn't find any time because of his work (the PhD that he started the year before). So he forwarded it to meta, who proofread and helped me a lot. Her field is also closer to mine than his. But he never asked me if it is okay to get her involved in my thesis and though I'm very grateful for her help, I would have never consented to that because I don't know her well enough to ask her for a big favor like this.
During that time he didn't have much time to talk/text me. But he also bought a app-controlled sex toy that he one day texted me and asked me to play with. Of course, I didn't really have the energy for that, so I actually said no. That led to him immediately dropping the conversation again (of which we didn't have many anymore) which of course made me feel only wanted to fuck.
I brought these things up when I met him next time around Easter, wanting to talk to him. When I talk about things that may not be allright in a relationship, I like to do that in a calm, nice setting. Maybe even cuddling to give each other nonverbal reassurance all the time. He's completely different. I had the feeling he was trying to create the most uncomfortable situation possible, always just talking about how "the situation litterally feels like being upside down in a pile of shit" and everything. Then he broke up with me (btw only four weeks before my PhD defense, after always treating his own work and university stuff over everything and making sure that I would never to anything that distracts him from important dates), this time no sweet-talk could stop him (and I'm honestly not sure if I wanted to stop him anymore). Also he threw me out of his place, telling me that he's too overwhelmed to talk at that point. We made an agreement to talk to each other the week after. But of course the next day he told me that he doesn't want to meet me anymore because he's to scared to end up in the same shitty situation again (Having to talk to his partner? Is that really so shitty?), and of course he doesn't want to continue the relationship, and since then I'm left without any closure.
But at least I still had a good PhD defense and didn't let myself be stopped by his bullshit. Also I deleted him from the acknowledgements of the thesis (revenge ;P ).
Of course there's a lot more to say, a lot more small situations where things didn't feel right, and a lot more whirling around in my head. But maybe it helps at least to write these things down. Also, I have my husband who listens to all my overthinking again and again and I'm so grateful for that. I also wonder if my ex treats my meta the same way (pressuring her into "functioning" the way he wants her to be) but of course there's no way to know. And I also don't know what kind of answers to expect here, if at all.