Update: I reached out, we reconnected, and it’s been warmer and more honest than I expected
I posted here a little while ago about someone I had been dating who I suspected was FA leaning avoidant, while I’m probably FA but more anxious leaning once I’m attached.
Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Disorganized\_Attach/s/8gmTlxukZy
I wanted to give an update because I did end up reaching out.
When we first reconnected in person, it was warm and easy at first, almost like two friends catching up. Then a few drinks in, we finally addressed the elephant in the room.
He took a lot of accountability for what happened. The conversation was still largely framed around overwhelm, but he also acknowledged that he treated me really unfairly. Since then, we have also been able to name that it was not just overwhelm. He did get spooked too.
That first night involved a lot of talking. Eventually it moved into kissing and cuddling, and he told me he wanted to see me again.
Since then, I’ve seen him twice more, and he has continued to open up more and more about what has been going on in his head. A big theme has been how we make this feel safe for both of us. He has said he really does want this and wants to work through it. He has also made some pretty big emotional disclosures, including that he sees a future with me.
We also had our first real fight the other night. As awful as it felt in the moment, I think it actually helped me raise some of the things I had been too scared to say. We were able to address it and repair afterwards, which felt important.
It is still early days in the reconnection, and we are very much working through the “how” of this. How do we move slowly? How do we not repeat the same pattern? How do we make it safe enough for both people to stay present instead of either clinging or disappearing?
He has brought up putting a label on it a couple of times now, but I am conscious that it may be coming from an activated place, especially because some of those conversations have happened during emotionally heightened moments. I do think we are heading toward needing a calm conversation about exclusivity, but I want it to come from groundedness rather than panic, pressure, or fear of losing each other.
So I guess the update is that reaching out did reopen the connection. It has been warm, vulnerable, affectionate, and more honest than I expected. He is showing a lot more willingness to look at what happened and talk about how we move forward.
But I am also trying to take it slow and steady, because I know my own nervous system can want certainty immediately once things feel close again.
For anyone who has been through a reconnection after an avoidant or FA pullback, I’d really love to hear any advice you have for me.