i just feel feel so tired
hey, first post to the sub. about a month ago i (19m) started thinking about my childhood. this was the first time i've ever done this since i've been dissociating for what feels like my entire life now. i have 4 older brothers, 29m half brother, 3 22m triplet brothers. oldest was from my dad's teen pregnancy and has been super successful, he's my biggest inspiration but it feels like our age difference has kept us distant. first triplet brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and diabetes before he was even 10, going from OCD, autism, adhd, etc. diagnoses his entire life before landing on that. other triplet was born with a limb threatening leg infection, spending his entire life going through i don't even know how many surgeries, many of which were out of state forcing my mom to frequently leave for multiple weeks with him. last triplet was actually healthy (other than severe adhd, of course) most his life until he became extremely suicidal as a teenager spending time in a mental health facility and countless therapy sessions.
so my mom already didn't have much time for me, but it didn't really help that my parents were actually in the middle of an extremely messy mutli-year long divorce when they conceived me, so dad was never in the picture, other than texting, video calls, or the occasional visit. he's struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction (didn't know about the drugs until very recently, had to pay to get my parent's divorce record just to find this out) all his life, so he's always had really bad mood swings and what's now obvious to me now, a bad drug addiction. i never really had much of a bond with him, as he's basically been the equivalent of a AI dad chatbot, until he's withdrawing or drunk. then he just yells and swears at you, which is why i blocked him and cut off contact when i turned 13. so while my mom took care of us she went back to school and became a child attachment/trauma therapist (a little ironic). while she was doing this we stayed at my grandparents house, who had brain cancer and the other heart disease complications. my mom took care of them too until they both died peacefully when i was 8. weirdly i was the only one not woken up when they both died.
i've always been labeled the "perfect" one by my triplet brothers, or "so independent and understanding" by my mom. but lately i'm starting to realize just how much it feels like i missed out on, how different i could have been. missing birthdays because my mom had to work, or being late for my own birthday plans because my brother's therapy session went an hour over and my mom had to drive us both. forced to be homeschooled, only asked to go to public school once and didn't press the issue again to not be more work for my mom. i feel like i've literally never had any of my own hobbies or friends, because that would mean my mom has to drive me somewhere, taking up more of her time in her 60hr work week on top of all my brother's appointments. even things that felt as little as being told not to act excited in front of my brother's when i got my driver's license because "they would feel bad since their disabilities stop them". i didn't even think of this until recently and it genuinely made me cry because why would i be told that. like i couldn't even be excited about this one achievement, this one part of the high school experience that i could actually get.
there are so many examples i've been realizing recently actually has made me really resentful and bitter towards my mom and even my brothers. i didn't even go to college because i've had such crippling anxiety my whole life but have been masking it to not add one more thing to the list for my mom. i could never actually do my school, even when applying for colleges and scholarships i felt all alone, as i remembered seeing my mom sit with my non-mentally disabled triplet brother for hours applying to schools and scholarships just a few years before. in the mean time i've managed to become the assistant GM at my work, first in the running to get his job when he leaves at the end of the year. but i just feel like all my potential has been completely wasted. i've just been so depressed lately and wishing i could have just lived a normal life, like i don't even feel like i'm real right now. it's just been getting worse and starting to abuse whatever substance i can find now is almost making me feel like my dad. i want tell my mom so badly and just cry in her arms but it feels so impossible at this point, like what's the use it's just been so long