u/Key_City1

I feel so envy of my brother that I really wanna h*rt myself

It's a kinda complicated situation, might feel nothing to you but for me it's an emotional storm, i really feel bad internally

(i would try to make it short as possible)

the thing is that i study in a local college which is not a really good one, just fine because it's short distance from my home, 5 minutes drive, except this nothing else feels good about it

i'm in my final year now but in the start i took the uni entrance test, took it twice to get even good marks and finally made it to my dream university but unfortunately couldn't get into my dream department, anyways we submitted all the fee and expenses. so now i had a month before my classes officially start but meanwhile my father didn't feel good about it, he said he was not satisfied and once he said he "couldn't sleep at night" because of me, he siad so because he didn't want his daughter apart from him and staying in another city, and also because the department we got into didn't had much scope idk why, but i wanted to get into that uni so bad!! and i was happy about this part that i finally made it but wasn't truly satisfied myself with the department too (because that meant i had to leave my favorite subject)...fast forward...the uni refunded our fee because my dad finally decided so and have me studied in this local college because now i would stay "in front of his eyes" + "eat from home" and study my favorite subject, and i swear i wanted to k*ll myself at that moment and i cried every night alone because that was literally one of my biggest dreams and i almost got it and then had to leave it...like wow...now i hate the word "university" that i feel envy of anyone near me going there idk what

now my brother thing....

now it's time for my younger brother to get into uni and look at the tragedy of the moment I myself had to fill out all his entrance test and admission forms! i did that with my own hands and internally all i was feeling was broken and cry and now my dad paid all his fee and all the dues way much than mine back then 2-3 years ago, and look we both studied the same subjects in high school and had pretty much the same interests and he faced the same situation took the entrance test twice to improve marks next time, the same uni, and got into the subjects that he was not interested in too but my dad has no problem this time, he feels fully satisfied with this now, no problem at all! I feel like my dad just didn't want to spend on me and that maybe because I'm a woman? Because I'll get marry off someday and so I wouldn't benefit him the way my brother could if he lives with them later forever? Idk but it comes to my mind too

at that time my dad said to me that he would give me so much better treatment in home because my college fee isn't that much, so the fee he had to pay for my uni would now spend on me which never happened because i get the same normal treatment as other siblings and i never reminded him of that promise but how do I? because i know i would immediatly start crying and couldn't finish what i had to say..

when we refunded our fee, i really promised myself to do something with me but idk why i didn't and now i again think it's not acceptable to me to go against my promise and i feel like doing something the day my brother leaves home to go to uni...

idk it's so fucking hell, you might say i'm psycho, moron, whatever bullshit but it hurts so much, like seeing earthly heaven and then jerked back to reality like it was never for me and i'm fucking crying rn too, and no one can know or see my tears at 2am when everyone is sleeping peacefully with the dream turning to be reality of their son or brother going to a dream uni

The day since then till now I have never accepted what's real rn,I never felt good with this, and look how I kept it all inside for 3 years. I wasn't financially independent or mature enough to support myself at that time

What's wrong here, who's wrong? Please don't tell me go therapy that's not what I want because I've control over myself in every other thing and I can't share with anyone because they'd know my vulnerable spot, I don't even know if this is the right place to post? Just idk..please don't get my post deleted, I made it again and I really want to listen to y'all

Edit: it's not the thing that I'd have been there in uni all alone, my eldest brother was there in that same department I submitted fee to! And for those who ask why I didn't take a stand back then? Because I didn't want them to think I had another purpose to go there than just my studies by sounding so desperate to go study there, and because I was too young or naïve to understand the underlying patterns and shit— you think I don't know this? I don't regret? And to the day till now my dad appreciates his decision of letting me study here