Living with partner with possible adhd…am I being naive?
My husband (32) is undergoing assessment for adhd and I do believe he is on the path to dx hence my post. For context, we have been together for 7 years and have a 5 week old baby. We have lived together for roughly 6 years now. I love him but I find his behaviour very challenging and am at a loss trying to understand it.
He is a very charming, golden retriever like character. He is popular and sociable. We work together and he has a good reputation there - albeit he is known to be slightly forgetful, impulsive and chaotic at times. Where he is in sales I wouldn’t say he’s majorly disadvantaged by this as he’s really good at what he does and if anything, he is known to be a bit eccentric and interesting.
At home, I seem to get the worst of his personality traits. He is forgetful, impulsive and feels like another dependent at times. He is often very selfish and inconsiderate. This has led him to consider an adhd diagnosis due to arguments indoors on these topics but isn’t the biggest challenge I have.
I am not sure whether I’m naive thinking the following are possible adhd symptoms in him or whether it could just be him/his feelings towards me coming to light. He can be very self-centred and blissfully ignorant of what is going on around him unless he is hyper-fixated on a particular thing. He will talk at speed/length and will react physically - digging his fingernails in me, prodding me or grabbing my knee - if I don’t respond quick enough or give him a response he doesn’t like about said topic of the moment.
I believe he often tries to ‘ragebait’ or get a reaction out of me - sometimes using the above tactics or constantly repeating a question or statement until I snap. Some of the worst examples I have of him trying to get a reaction out of me include him pretending he was going to push me down the stairs when I was pregnant and generally trying to physically intimidate me - holding a butter knife towards me like he was going to stab me. I genuinely think he gets a thrill out of it. At times it feels like I’m dealing with a small child that’s 6ft and lashes out of impulse/failure to regulate his emotions. He is great with our daughter, thankfully.
Sometimes I do react back if it hurts or I feel frustrated by his actions. I honestly don’t know how it’s gotten to this point as we’re both adults in an otherwise relatively normal relationship with a nice house, stable jobs and a baby.
He also often says very unnecessarily hurtful things and genuinely lacks empathy towards me. I had a c section 5 weeks ago and he called me helpless when I asked him to pass me something mid-breastfeeding when I couldn’t reach it. He will often say I’m being too sensitive or can’t take a joke. It comes across as malice/disdain towards me. Am I kidding myself thinking that he can’t control his tongue at times and it’s impulsive behaviour that is driven by adhd? He assures me he loves me and looks surprised if I say I’m upset/question his feelings towards me. He buys me lovely gifts and I think that’s his way of justifying that he shows me he loves me.
I guess I’m hoping to understand what could be explained by possible adhd or whether I’m just being naive and it’s likely to be something else entirely I.e feelings towards me/other behaviour traits.