Feeling down 2 years after divorce
I had hoped that after 2 years of divorce I'd be able to deal with my anger towards my ex and start building a life where I could be happy and get past the endless guilt trips that my ex put me through. It's almost feels just as bad as when we were together. Like she still has her claws in me. I pay her $7k a month in alimony and child support. I have a daughter in college. She got a full ride for volleyball so tuition is free but there are still room and board costs. I cant afford to pay for her room and board but I do pay for her car insurance, phone, medical insurance and some spending money. Now my son is leaving for college and because I've been financially devistated I cannot pay for his college. I also pay for his car insurance, phone and medical. Both kids have my debit card that they use for food and costs that come up. I feel so guilty that I can't help more even though I didn't get a dime from my parents after I graduated highschool. Whenever my ex calls I know it's going to be something about money. She complains that I don't help even more with the kids college expenses. Says things like "so your going to be an asshole and cut your kids off financialy". Constantly reminds me of how much her parents have paid towards their college. I tell her if I didn't have alimony I could help more. All this why I live in a shitty apartment while she lives in a $1.6 million home her parents bought her and she does nothing to get a job. She makes me feel guilty and ashamed I don't help my kids more even though I do what I can. I turn all this inward and just feel so terrible about myself. My kids spend most holidays and bdays and vacations with my ex family because they are wealthy and can afford expensive parties and vacations. They control with money. I wish I could get past this feeling of inadacuecy but it just keeps driving me further into depression. I feel like all I am is $ to them. I don't know how to get beyond this.