Trying to leave an intimidating partner of 5 yrs
I am looking for advice on how to handle a complicated separation. I (39F) and my partner (40M) have been together for about 5 years. We are not married, but we own a house together. We share two young children together, and I have an older child (14) from a previous relationship.
Over the years, I have developed severe anxiety just trying to keep the peace. I have spent a long time suffering with a smile, doing everything I can to avoid situations that make him upset because when he is angry, it genuinely scares me. He has a history of throwing things across the room and saying terrible, volatile things.
I don't even think he realizes that I am completely checked out. I thought we broke up a few times in the past, but because he is so intimidating and enforcing boundaries with him is difficult, things always just slide right back into the same old patterns like the breakups never happened. He thinks everything is fine because I am keeping the peace.
I feel utterly trapped due to a combination of heavy factors like the house. Neither of us can afford the mortgage alone. He hasn't agreed to sell for over a year now. Also I am genuinely terrified that if I officially end things, he will take one of our shared young children and leave or disappear with them out of retaliation. He has mentioned in the past during agreements that him and the one child will move out and I can have the other?
Because of his history of throwing objects and verbal hostility, I am afraid of his reaction when he realizes this isn't just a temporary rough patch and that he is losing control of the situation.
I know I need to leave for my sanity and my children’s safety, but I am paralyzed by the logistics and the fear of his reaction.
What are the absolute first steps I need to take to prepare for a safe exit while he still thinks everything is status quo?
How can I legally protect my children—specifically preventing him from fleeing with our shared children—before I officially tell him it's over?
He has never been physically abusive but is very emotionally abusive and manipulative. I'm just not sure where to start its all so overwhelming.