Something to get off my chest
[Throwaway account for obvious reasons]
Holy shit. This might be the single worst thing I have ever experienced. I've done it once prior about the same time last year but that batch was cut through the roof with B12 or something, really an awful experience. Last month I had the opportunity to do it again, naturally I was skeptical but a friend advocated for its potency. "What the hell, I'm a heavyweight with every other substance so what could go wrong?"
How could I be so stupid to thinking I was immune or had some special biological advantage. It's been almost a month and I am still incredibly upset on how much I like it. Granted, I don't do it often, about once a week, but the whole situation feels so unbecoming of me. How could I even allow this to happen? I pride myself on being able to efficiently compartmentalize my emotions and process them in a logical manner, but this is just... different. I'm not sure how I feel because I'm continuing to let it happen and while I also pride myself on great self-control, I'm starting to have my doubts on if I can control this in the future.
After that first night of experiencing REAL cocaine, I immediately understood how serious this is and the immense high risk / low reward. At first I thought I could put it under tight wraps and have it as an incredibly occasional treat, but that quickly unraveled into a weekly routine; buy a half gram on Friday, use it all through the weekend. To me, this is already abysmal. The 30 minute rush is not worth the financial sink, the slow disintegration of my body and mental clarity, the possible lifetime dependency... there's just too much to risk. I used to smoke cigarettes and did the math; in the past month I've almost spent the same amount of money on coke that I did with my annual average of cigarettes. That's absurd.
I've simply just worked too hard to get where I am now to let this control me. I refuse to be a lesser version of myself and it eats away at me that I'm letting it slip. For once in my life I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do. I'm not used to feeling out of tune with who I am.
I (hope) I succeed because this has undoubtedly been the worst month of my life and I'd rather not continue it. It's just not who I want to be!