I lost family during covid. I lost close relatives, i watched people die around me, i watched what it did to folks and how they never recovered. This hanavirus is killing me, not actually the virus but the thought of it.
Im on a prescribed ssri for anxiety but it isnt. Working. Not because the medication isnt working, but because im too scared of the medication to take it but im so scared of being awake and active that i keep going back to it. Im in such a weird state of limbo and constant fear. What if my fiance dies? My mom? My dad? My sisters or brother? My grandparents? I finally got the life i wanted. What if i lose it all?
What if this turns into another pandemic. What will i do? Do i stock up on food? Its almost my birthday. Im almost 20. I made it 6 years farther than i thought i would but how much longer? Do i start semi quarantining myself now? Mask, hand sanitizer, 6 ft, the cdc is in shambles and no one knows shit and people are gettinf sick all over the world from it and its seemingly usually fatal. I cant.
Im so scared of getting sick. Nightly now i think im having a heart attack, fluid in my lungs, my throat is closing, but its anxiety. Just so much constant anxiety. I want to k1ll myself before it gets bad so i dont have to go through it again. But what about my family? My dogs? Holy shit im going insane with all of this.
My job is all about being around people. I am so scared. How do i end this feeling without endijg myself?