Tw: weed talk, mentions of CSA, incest no detail, mention of gyno exams no detail, brief mention of SI
Before I start I’m so sorry for how all over the place is. So i was heavily abused no doubt abt it. I would align with the time frame of age to develop osdd perfectly. I don’t remember parts of my trauma history that I should, I don’t remember things that I should but I also have alottttt of random memories that don’t mean anything from childhood. Like staring at walls in classrooms random shit, playing games on the playground, specific people and events that add no significance to my life. Just shit that has no significance. I have alot of memories like that that I heavily reminisce on. I’m a VERY melancholic and nostalgic person. All I do is reminisce these random memories and people. But like my mom said she took me to a horse race as a kid and I love horses but i have no recollection yk? Like nice cool things that happened I don’t remember them even tho I should. Who the hell WOULDNT remember going to a horse race, it’s not a common thing to attend for most. I have adhd, autism and depression all diagnosed, definitely anxiety not diagnosed. Also I apparently got 2 gyno exams at like 6 and 8 or around then, and I have NO memory of this. I got them bc of weird shit from my father who is my sexual abuser. I won’t go into detail it’s a longgggg story but here was nvr anything wrong with me I was nvr sick he just took me bc of some weird sick shit. I went a 3rd time for a rape kit after I told my mom everything that happened on visitations with my father at age 8 or 9 that one I do remember. So just weird things like that. I was always very imaginative roleplaying with myself even when I was a preteen like 13, eventually that’s around the age I stopped and then it just developed into me retreating into my mind to write out fanficiton stories between my favorite characters lol but I was always in my head or nose in a book or listening to music. Ive ALWAYS had this weird imagination of playing out random situations and coming up with ways id say or do something. I still do this. Everyday I come up with some scenario in my head like my gf being attacked or like racing another car (I love cars) and like how it’d go wat id do, I won’t lie it’s usually grandiose shit and prolly not verbatim how I do shit or even not at all. I was very isolated, my mom and stepdad hate me and also abused me.
Ok so now let’s just skip to highschool I tried weed first time in junior yr at my first job on my first day at said job (wow so smart) and it went terribly. Basically I greened had a panic attack yada yada. Next day I felt better abt it knew wat to expect and tried it again the next day. Went great. Loved weed after. And I’d smoke weed only on the weekends cuz I only worked weekends. Lasted at the job only a month til my mom found out and fired me lol. So on and off usage. I didn’t rly smoke weed at all again until senior year. On and off not consistently I wasn’t able to get my own cart for awhile but when I did I went on a 3 day bender just hittin that shit back to back to back all day for 3 days. Loved it. Monday rolls in i go to school and once im inside everything feels off. I still felt high and like I was behind my eyes. I felt this only the first time I got high which is y I had my first panic attack. So I was freaking out at school and had multiple panic attacks that day and yeah it was terrible I couldn’t breathe all day and the thoughts stuck on loop every fuckin millisecond was that nothing is real im not real i dont know these ppl. Topics of death or language (language is so complex and the complexity of humanity was triggering) through me over the edge. I constantly felt like at any moment i was gonna spiral again….and yeah all that lasted for a month. All those thoughts and feelings lasted for a fuckin month and it lasted even longer than that rly but my brain just had to get used to it or else it was just genuinely over. I wanted to kms bc i felt insane the only peace I could get was sleeping. So for like 3 months i was rly just fighting to not spiral. Never had panic attacks, never felt this way before nothing. I’ve never experienced derealization depersonalization or the feeling of being behind my eyes.
All I’ve felt throughout my childhood was just zoning out and normal existential thoughts and curiosity of consciousness. Nothing that sent me spiraling. But ever since that psychotic break that whole month I’ve been living behind my eyes. Like im looking thru glass. It’s been 3 yrs now since that time. I also became an alcoholic my whole senior yr. I drank a bottle of wine everyday, sometimes 2. I only got it together around the time of graduation. When I was 18 I worked full time and got back into weed due to coworkers more often. I was always careful tho I never took more than 3 hits from a cart I was still worried to tip myself over. But eventually I stopped being scared and would push myself to get over it and learn to calm myself down while high if I panicked. Then I just became a full time smoker. And for the most part now ever since late 2024 to now I’ve become a daily smoker for the most part. And I mean yeah I bet my memories gotten worse due to the weed, my memory is terrible, it was always kinda bad but my mom always blamed it on adhd and how inattentive I was and I just needed to pay attention more or I’m just a straight liar. But now it’s definitely worse and my dissociation.
So BASICALLY Jesus, yap fest over here, the question is, is my weed consumption what’s to blame for my dissociation symptoms? Was I ever dissociating before weed? I already plan on stopping very soon so we can see if there’s any difference but I don’t think the dissociation will go away. I quit weed a month once and I saw no improvement in dissociation, more grounded sure but still behind my eyes and not feeling like the world is real. Memory got a bit better makes sense but still, i dont know. I just cant remember at all how I used to be before i got stuck behind my eyes. I dont remember how i saw or experienced the world. I have nothing to reference so pls I would appreciate ppl telling me abt their experiences