NMom passed away
I'm incredibly caught between emotions in a way no one around me can understand.
She was horrible, abusive, sabotaged any chance I had at a normal life. I talked about the relief I would feel not having to deal with it anymore often.
I do feel relief. There's a part of me that's angry I never got some grand apology, something that made it all better but I know that's just the grief, I learned not to expect that a long time ago.
I also do hurt, and I do cry for her. She alienated so many people she didn't have anyone around left. Family I cut out years ago are giving me platitudes like they hadn't turned a blind eye to her and my struggles.
She did love me, but she also had the capacity to hurt me greatly, and she did. She neglected herself so much I believe her death could've been entirely preventable at this time.
She must have been miserable, and I hurt for that misery. I hurt for the scar shape of a mother that she never did fill.
It may be selfish of me, but I'd appreciate anyone who could offer their condolences. Receiving it from people who could understand how nuanced an nparent's death can be would comfort me.
And if there is some advice to be given about processing it I'll take that too.
Thank you for reading if you did. To the people that say you'll regret it when they're dead, you're wrong.