I have been in love with my male best friend for 4 years and I don’t know how to make the feelings go away
This is more of rant, but I really need advice on how to stop or reduce my feelings for my best friend.
I have been in love with my male best friend for the last 3-4 years. We first met when we were in grade 9, he had just moved countries and since we had the same first language, teachers paired us up in school so that I would help him learn English easily. Our relationship was forced, the result of need and empathy. We had nothing in common but the fact that we came from the same culture, and that our parents were friends.
He is what you would call the stereotypical popular guy: The football team captain, smart, charming, attractive, kind, resilient, strong, well mannered, funny. The kind of guy every single girl in high school falls in love with. And I could not be anymore different than that. I never considered myself to be attractive, I’m not ugly, but I’m not the most beautiful woman either. I’m chubby, I wear glasses, I’m awkward with guys, and I can barely put together an outfit. I’m not stupid, but I’m not the smartest person in the room. I tend to have strong opinions, and are quite transparent about them. In summary, I’m average. Consequently, we never really had anything to talk about or connect with other than school, and the weekly visits of his family to my house. And somehow, we managed to still become friends.
Sometimes, when the pressure of school was draining him and he couldn’t keep up his perfect persona, he would just simply vent with me. It felt intimate, yet I knew it didn’t meant anything other than two friends sharing frustrations.
I swear I tried so hard not to fall in love with him, but it was so easy. I mean, how could I not? He always knew when I was upset even when I barely talk about my feelings. He helped me when I struggled with school. And he showed me kindness and support even when he didn’t have to. And yes, it sounds cliche, but my feelings are genuine. I love him for who he is.
It’s really hard to be his friend, I know he would never like a girl like me. I’m not his type, I’m not what he wants, I’m not his girlfriend.
This has become truly exhausting, I want to be happy for him. I want to see him as just one of my other friends and not feel this dread and jealousy whenever I see him with his girlfriend. I want to stop crying at night because I know he will never love me back. I want to be a good friend and support him without feeling like I’m dying inside. I wished he could look at me, and see how much I love and cherish him. I wished he could love me despite my flaws. I wish he could see me the way I see him. But I know it won’t happen.
I will never confess these feelings to him, it would only ruin our friendship and I don’t want to lose him. I simply want this feeling to fade away. I will move out of province for university, and I think that would help, but I fear the feeling will never fade.
How can I make this burden go away?
On a separate note, I wanted to gift him White Nights as a goodbye present, hoping it would be subtle enough for him to think that its just a book, but also kind of confess my feelings indirectly? Would it be too obvious? Should I do it despite the fact that he is dating someone else?