u/Kirol_reddit

Hey, so ... Estrogen makes my brain go brrrrrr.

Dissociation gets better, I feel more present and seem more alive. Great.

Wife isn't on board with me going through changes.

Inlaws are conservative Iranian/Taiwanese.

Two kids.

I'd need FFS and VFS.

I would want to pass, for myself more than anything. Need to.

Ok, cool, so I probably should.

But I can't blow up my whole life to be a hon. I'm not even sure if I want to transition.

At the same time I hate the idea of being a bald old man.

I don't like the idea of being a man in general.

I guess right now I'm just a disembodied consciousness driving this meat machine on autopilot as I just watch.

I've 'set a new standard on what it means to be an involved dad'.

I get recognized in places I barely go because they remember how I was with my kids.

I can't do this to them.

I can't do this to the wife. My family. Her family.

I'm not even sure I can do it to myself.

So how do I deal with that? How do I scoop up this egg and throw it out?

How do I come to terms with myself, and learn to know myself, to like myself, and maybe one day love myself?

Amab, realised maybe three years ago my dissociation/depersonalization may be down to gender dysphoria.

History of depression, self harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, all of it.

There's always been this ... Wish I could have been a girl, but I always thought everyone had those thoughts.

There were many individual signs throughout my life starting a puberty that I ignored and never drew a line through... Until I did. It's been a consistent thought that doesn't leave - that my life would have been better in some unquantifiable way? The envy of now natural it is, the clothes, the friendships, the things I missed out on.

For these subreddits, it's the classic story told yet again.

Now, I've got two kids. A straight wife.

Asian in-laws. Male pattern baldness.

I'd need to move an hour and a half - two hours away from here to PEI so I could get FFS, VFS, electrolysis, a hair transplant I don't have money for, the lot...

But it seems the price is just so high for something where I don't know if it's worth it.

I can't really picture myself passing, even with all that, and it frightens me to picture people whispering 'thats a man' or worse. All the effort, the suffering, the animosity, for nothing?

Losing my kids, paying for child support, losing my wife, my family - making myself nearly unemployable in this financial atmosphere not to mention the costs of moving.

How do I navigate this?

How do I put the egg back in its shell, or make an omelet? Or even let it rot?

So, pretty sure my dissociation and depersonalization are down to gender dysphoria.

Still have that ... Longing, the wishing I could have been born differently. The envy, the ... Everything, I suppose.

But it's already too late.

I have a wife, kids, my hairline is too fucked, my brow ridge too prominent, my ribcage too wide -

I'm not brave enough to go out fem while visibly trans. I'm not brave enough to make a move on it all.

I'd have to be stealth, I'd need to feel safe, to feel sure it's what I *need*, and I don't think I can do that.

I don't think I can commit.

But, where do I go from here?