I had to get a needle. My reaction never gets better. At first, I hyperventilated, cried heavily and had an asthma attack. Now, I try to not to enter the room as much as I can (until I’m pushed in or told to hurry up). I try to pause the needle as much as possible (roll the sleeve down, put a hand over etc).
(Trigger warning for the text? I don’t know, about nurses, restraint, needle, aggression, intrusive thoughts (?) and just me crashing out)
This isn’t the first nor will I bet will be the last. But I think they only learnt how to get it over with it, not how to actually help me. Because instead of understanding my fear of needles or me repeating “I don’t trust you!”, “you’re gonna surprise me” and such to the nurses, they still do it, they don’t give me a minute to try and breathe better (even when I start wheezing when I cough/breathe, express my hands and teeth are tingling and feel like I can’t control my breathing (they even told me “well, if you breathed slower, your fringes wouldn’t be tingling!”)) as any other day, it was a struggle. It took me two hours (or more) to get the needle. I had to be restrained by 2+ people (because when one person try to restrain earlier when it wasn’t even 10 minutes in, I just wiggled out and left) and just gave me the needle when I started hyperventilating again. After I gotten it, I felt a wave of aggression and then yelled for them to let me go. I stomped out of the room and out the office (while hearing some kids laugh at me?) and went out without anyone knowing, hid in a bush while I hyperventilated, cried and such. And as I sat alone for a minute, my brain started racing how we should’ve fought back, fight back physically and harder to not get it and escape because you know “not to trust doctors”. And then I felt regret I didn’t fight back, that I allowed them to win and now they know how to make me weak to hurt me again.
I never get this angry. I never get this overwhelm to the point of violence or anger because I’m the type to shutdown and hide. So, I got uncomfortable when my hands wanted to hit and punch, I felt agitated and I needed to pace and do something bad. I don’t like the feeling because it’s so unfamiliar and uncomfortable to sit with. My case manager finally came and found me. And asked if I wanted my tent. I didn’t want to speak, it felt hard and I didn’t want to yell (already yelled at one my teachers because she wanted to help me. She said she was proud of me and I accidentally said “SHUT UP!” To her. I feel bad :(() she got the tent and gave me a plushie to try and calm me down.
Which just made me more angry because my brain then told me “She doesn’t care how you feel. Only if you calm down. She doesn’t want to help you because you’re a burden.” And so got more angry and didn’t want the plushies. In an attempt for a friend to help me calm down, he asked if I wanted to come in the musical room with him since he was doing music practice. I agreed. My anger calmed down but then I couldn’t stop crying (many different reasons). He then had to leave for his gf. And I was alone again (like the past weeks… alone. No one to talk or go to.) went to the office to escape chatter. Sat alone for half an hour and I couldn’t do school anymore so I went home early. And mum gave me a milkshake for the needle (W mum)
(Tried to google why I am like this. Said it sounds like needle phobia. Idk. Might tell my therapist to see what he thinks…)
And I had to skip school today because of that.
: /