I want to break no contact after 4 years
Okay so we were high school sweethearts, he was my best friend and my safe space, we spent every single day of almost 2.5 years being together, loving each other.. and just purely being obsessed. Then it was time to go to college and long distance happened and he cheated on me.
It was heartbreaking, and the worst thing I’ve experienced. Then there was like 3.5 years of back & forth. Toxic, horrible for my mental health and finally one day I drew the line and decided on no contact. I did it because it had been about 8-9 months of us being in sort of a situationship but in that same high school manner where every day we were together and glued to each other but then… I found out he was going behind my back with someone (who he’s still dating presently MAYBE not sure)
I suffered… depression, panic attacks, loneliness, i actually understood the meaning of bad mental health. I actually grieved him, it was the worst. I used to think about him everyday and then it reduced, time kinda did its thing and I was also patient.
But since then I haven’t looked back, I showed restraint and moved on, dated other people, I’m in a committed relationship. I’ve had a successful 4 years of no contact honestly. I did well…
But - I randomly started wondering how he’s doing so I stalked him once and then it was downwards… I thought I was okay enough to get a few updates but I actually miss him now, and want to break no contact and reach out. I don’t wanna get back, there’s no angle of hope or anything just wanna feel that fire again and also I’m curious.
What should I do?