I (20F) feel so lonely, life feels meaningless
I (20F) have been feeling pretty depressed about life lately. I went through a breakup 2.5 months ago, and although I know it was for the best and have been moving forward, life still feels different, dull, and meaningless without him. I’ve been trying to fill my life with other things, like setting a bunch of big goals for myself and working towards them and spending more time with my friends, but I still feel like life isn’t worth living when I don’t have someone by my side who I can say “I love you” to everyday, who will be there for me through everything, who I can hug and hold close. It was the best feeling, and life just feels so pointless without it. I told myself I would stay single, wait for myself to finish 2 years of college, 2 years of work, and then 4 years of graduate school before I ever try to find love again. I’ve tried to rush self improvement but my facial dysmorphia, trust issues, and comparison anxiety is so intense and deeply rooted into my mind and heart that I’ve had 2 very similar failed relationships in a row (despite my efforts to improve). I haven’t grown as much as I thought I have and it wasn’t as easy as I thought. I’m not ready, and I’ve reached a point where I feel like I can only overcome these issues if I become an entirely different person. The only way is to just grow up and focus on finding myself while I am just beginning to become a full adult, that maybe most of these problems will go away as I transition out of my teenage years.
And the only way for me to completely transform mentally is to do everything in life imaginable for the next 8 years.
I feel like I need 8 years to become an entirely different person, to let life experiences mature, change, and age me before I choose to enter a relationship again, because I’ve never felt more unready. I just don’t know if I can survive that, because I wonder if I’ll feel just as lonely in these next 8 years as I do right now. By then my ex will probably have a new girlfriend and will have fully moved on. Is that really how I want to live my life?