What do I do at this point?? (very long, sorry)
So I'm making this on a burner acc, but I genuinely don't know what to do. My friends are telling me I should give up and that she doesn't want me, my heart remembers the good times and level of intimacy we shared, and my therapist says I should do whatever will keep me safe
>!For starters, I grew up in a dysfunctional as fck family. My mother went from boyfriend to boyfriend and all of them were also dysfunctional (alcoholic, drug addicts, homeless, abusive, etc.) and my father was always disappointed in me no matter what I did. It all changed around 8th grade when my parents found a plan I had to kms. !<
My mother immediately dumped her horrid bf and my dad stopped being so harsh on me. Then COVID hit (not happy abt potential hantavirus quarantine) and I completely shut down. No friends, no visitors, nobody. Just me, my laptop, and zoom school. I often slept through zoom and would just skulk during the day. At night was when I was active and I had a small time public discord chat server. Eventually high school opened and I was a sophomore who hadn't interacted with anybody in abt 2.5 years, but I was online with my friends across the US. One particular friend, a girl imma call Sydney, was super sweet. She was always extremely considerate to me, she'd call everyday to ask how I was doing, we probably texted back then more than I've ever texted anybody else ever. She pushed me to be better when I was indecisive about things like sports and parties/dances.
We slowly grew apart, but only because I made things awkward (as awkward as things can be for a 15yo.) One morning I texted her I wanted to call and tell her something that night, and she said she'd be free after (idk lets say 8) but since she was 2 hours ahead of me I told her I'd be free to call at 9 due to my sports. When we called I confessed my feelings to her and asked her if she'd wanna go out (whatever that meant, she literally lives 2k mi from me) and she said yes. I was super happy for about a week thinking that we were dating and I had my first girlfriend. About two and a half weeks later my buddy (imma call him Khalil) was joking and said something about Sydney being hot then she said something like "oh ya? 😉" and he said "are you really gonna let another man talk abt your girl like that" then Sydney said "me and him? nah that ain't happening. he asked me out and did nothing loll what does he think we are." Pretty much mentally broke me, and after that we drifted apart.
Later, she told me she met her first boyfriend at her high school in our Jr year, and by then we barely talked. She removed/blocked me for about a year while she was going out with him and I was pursuing another girl throughout my remainder of high school so it wasn't a super big deal to me (big mistake with her) and eventually Sydney unblocked me Freshman year of college. I added her, we talked, then she got a boyfriend and blocked me. This went on and off for about 3-4 times with each block to block cycle spanning 3 maybe 4 months.
Last week she added me again, and to be quite honest I had forgotten about her because of my mental health conditions. I tend to block out anything that isn't an extremely happy memory or vital information. Apparently she does the same thing due to her mental condition, and told me that she wanted to talk again so we spent the whole weekend talking. I very much enjoyed that, and this was probably the most we'd talked in 3 years at this point (we're juniors in college now.)
Her birthday was last week and we started talking about a week before that, so when she mentioned that I saved the date in my phone and wanted to send her a gift. We talked, and eventually she shared her address so I could mail her something, but I honestly didn't know what to mail her. I at this point, was kind of regaining my feelings for her, but I didn't know how to feel about it. So her birthday comes around and I feel bad because I didn't get her anything (yet) so I decide that night I'm going to write her a letter and tell her how much I appreciate her and how she helped me to become a better and healthier person. Over the course of the night I spent writing her the letter I realized that my feelings for her hadn't gone away, and that they we're just shoved deep down and ignored. So I pivoted from a "thank you friend" letter to a "thank you and I still like you" letter. I mailed it to her and told her, but then she told me her boyfriend was coming back.
I was so confused and crushed at the same time. She told me that her first bf ended up dumping her and then she rebounded to a druggie abusive POS guy (from what I've gathered) and she was texting me again because they were on a break while he was out of state for work, but he was coming back in two days. She asked me how I felt after hearing that, and I told her the best non-response I've ever heard; "do what you think is right."
I spent the first day of two I had left with her sulking and depressed. I was so crushed that this girl I had just poured my heart out to in a letter was going to block me the day after tomorrow. So I decided to unadd/remove/block her on every platform. I figured that would at least save me some pain. Detach yourself before she can detach. I then took a walk that night and I walked about 6 miles from 12a-2:30a.
I woke up the next day refreshed and I decided to write a second letter. I told her my feelings didn't change despite my actions, and I encouraged her to break up with her abusive bf (she wants to, but fears loneliness/isolation.) I mentioned that I picked up some old tabs I had saved from when we first were talking, and that traveling to her wasn't that big of a deal now that we're grown. It'd still be a big commitment (2,000mi) but it wouldn't be that financially improbable anymore. I said that I'd come visit her, but only if she wanted to. I mailed the letter that same night and it should get to her place by 5/15.
The first letter arrived this morning and I was terrified to talk to her about it. I unblocked her number to send a message saying "your present arrived, hope it fits" (i also packed a shirt I thought she'd appreciate since she said she wanted one of mine) and it turned green. So I messaged her on Instagram and surprisingly, she responded. She said she loved the shirt and that her mom was laughing (probably because it was insanely small for me, and likely too small for her too since she's the same height as me) and she said she'd read the letter once she got home from work since she was running late. That was 11:30a for her, so I said ok have a good day at work and have been waiting for a response.
I haven't slept in about 2 days (going on 3) because I have so much anxiety about her reading my first letter. I don't even want to begin to think about the second letter. I tried asking if she read the letter around 10:30p for her, but she didn't respond. I got scared and unsent the message, and scheduled a message to send at 2a for her. It indirectly asked her if she read the message (I left a puzzle on the back of the letter) and asked her if she solved it.
I told my friend about it yesterday and he said "nah man, she don't love you. you might love her, but that's the nostalgia. you don't even know her anymore because it's been like 4.5 years. if she loves anything about you, it's the attention you give her." That, quite honestly, shocked and terrifies me. He was 100% right about the attention I give to her. I never let her calls ring twice, I text back within 1-2 minutes of receiving a message, and I always listen to her and what she has to talk about. I'm scared that she doesn't like me at all and she loves the attention I give.
I honestly don't know what to do because I can't stay awake for the next 6 days, but my anxiety won't allow me to sleep more than 2-3 hours. I've just been ruminating on negative thoughts and listening to Powfu (yeah lockdown sad playlist on repeat) because it's the only thing that feels right.