no "ours" baby
My husband (41m) and I (30f) have been blended for nearly 3.5 years now. I have always been on board with the fact that neither of us wanted more children, until about a year and a half ago. Our blending has been overall decent between his 12 year old and my 6 and 4 year old. There are the expected bumps in the road but is had been smooth for the most part.
When I finally wanted children in my life, I always dreamed of more than two bio kids. Unfortunately, I was in an abusive relationship and felt I was done having children so I had a tubal ligation at age 25, which seemed like a smart decision at the time. I have been okay with this, but recently the desire to have another baby has come back so strong and I do not know how to handle it. Not just another baby; everything. Pregnancy, birth, newborn stage, toddler, childhood, teen years and beyond. It's been almost two years now and I seriously cannot get over the fact that I truly regret tying my tubes and I would do anything to do IVF and have another baby.
Now I am in an amazing marriage with the most perfect man and the instinct to have a baby with him is so strong it's overwhelming. He straight up doesn't want to. I have asked him. And I respect that so much. But our marriage is worth so much to me, I won't leave over this. While I see all of his reasoning, I can't make it go away no matter what.
My best friend is pregnant and I get to pretend to be a perfect auntie to her baby and toddler, I cry myself to sleep most nights knowing I'll never get to experience this again. I'm jealous, but in a sad way. I wish in the deepest of my hearts that it could be me.
No matter what, at the end of the day I choose us. I know I need to get back into therapy, especially now. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I know it's a lot. Also, please be nice because I am hurting and I know there's a lot to unpack here.