Gave myself closure
We talked for weeks. It felt real. He canceled our date because of a change in work schedule, then reduced message frequency saying he was feeling overwhelmed and struggling and that it wasn’t about me and I didn’t do anything wrong. He then stopped communicating entirely. A month later I got a message with a link to an IG reel that was supposed to explain why he shut down. The reel explained a dynamic between women and men where a woman’s actions causes the men to shut down. This isn’t an abusive dynamic, but something very common in relationships (keeping it vague just in case he ever sees this). There was no other explanation outside the reel.
I told him I’m sorry he felt hurt by me and I’m happy to talk about what happened and be accountable to my part of the dynamic. I didn’t get a response. I reflected on the video and a few days later I‘ve sent an apology for the places where I think I’ve made mistakes with him (accountability matters to me). I told him I’m willing to talk about it and engage in repair work around mistakes I’ve made. I‘ve also told him he hurt me and I’m not OK with being treated that way, especially since there was no accountability or repair from his side. I told him I was no longer interested in dating him or having a romantic relationship with him. I told him it’s not static and might change if there was some repair and accountability, but might not, and there’s no way to tell since this have not happened. I told him I’m here if he wants to talk or ask me anything, and said I hope he’s doing well and is happy. I kept it light and friendly and used neutral language. I no longer waned to give him access to my tender parts and did not want to be vulnerable, so showing my anger or hurt was not something I wanted him to have access to.
I mostly wanted it to be clear that he does not get access back to my life without putting in the work to change and grow (and possibly even with putting this work). I could definitely see him be someone who comes back in a few weeks/months and act as if nothing happened or as if he’s the injured party and I wanted to make it clear this wouldn’t fly, partly because I know myself and know I am empathetic and vulnerable in this way.