u/Knebraska

YES YES YES YES yess yessssss. If you’re getting ready to return to campus or just like the smell of Eastern European men wearing too much cologne then New York’s hottest club is “Student Union.” Opened by famed club promoter and adjunct professor of underwater basket weaving Alberto Jinping, this. Club. Has. Everything.

Alex Jones in drag under the alias Sandy Hooker;

Cotton candy flavored vapes;

A pro life pastor condemning all the blue haired students to hell;

Adderall that looks like flintstones vitamins;

White privilege;

MTV’s Dan Cortese rushing the Jewish fraternity;

And what’s that over there is that a student activist group advocating for a free Palestine?

NO, it’s the house staff performing a Mitch McConnell!

What’s a Mitch McConnell Stefon?

It’s like this thing where a bunch of little people do a shot for shot remake of the movie weekend at Bernie’s but Bernie looks like a racist turtle.

Open whenever the doorman does his first bump of the morning this club is fun for the whole family.

YES YES YES YES yes yessss yessss! If you’re a parent or just emotionally stunted then this episode of New York’s hottest club is called, “Uncle Rad.” Opened by famed trans Australian mobster Sheila Chattermax this CLUB. HAS. EVERYTHING.

Dirty diapers, the ghost of Barney, Jim Morrison’s preserved left hand, pacifiers, pacifiers doused in mdma, an effigy of Jimmy Saville, the stuffed remains of Petey from the little rascals, the Japanese cast of the power rangers, a luau cooking Peppa Pig, a coconut, a melon, and the stake that killed vampirina.

And what’s that over there, is that Larry Silverstein?

NO! It’s the staff performing a goonies.

What’s a goonies Stefon?

It’s like this thing where a bunch of little people trap a deformed mentally handicapped man in the basement and Cory Feldman has to fight through them to give him a chocolate bar.

Open after nap and before bed time this club is fun for the whole family.

YES YES YES YES yes yes yesssss. If you’re suffering from albinism or just hate moist skin then New York’s hottest club is “Mukluks.” Located in the abandoned deep freeze of what was clearly a Pizza Hut built in the 90s, THIS. CLUB. HAS. EVERYTHING.

Inuit TurboTax;

Harpoons;

Chubby chasers;

Whale tales;

Mitch McConnell with dark sunglasses and fishing wire attached to his limbs being worked like a marionette;

A cgi wolf from the movie the day after tomorrow;

And what’s that over there, is that MTV’s Dan Cortese? No! It’s the house staff performing a Cool Runnings

What’s a Cool Runnings Stefon?

It’s like this thing where a bunch of Jamaican little people climb into a toboggan while Frank Caliendo does a John Candy impression while yelling at them.

Open whenever the straight of Hormuz is, this club is fun for the whole family.

YES YES YES YES YES yes yes yesssss. If you’re a fan of soccer or just like visiting the only 1st world western country without universal healthcare then New York’s hottest club is, “OLÉ.” Nestled between a methadone clinic and a group of locals leaning from fentanyl use this Habsburgian inspired club HAS EVERYTHING.

Canadian Mounties, Mexican jumping beans, Magats, kangaroos, the statue of saddam Hussein that was brought down, Shahed drones, sumo wrestlers, a postcard from Petra, K-pop demon hunters, a ticket stub from the last World Cup, Mr. Bone Saw, Silk Road traders, sand from the Sahara desert, volcanic rock climbers, bonobos, a butter bust of Didier Drogba, three mummies, a bar of gold, a dog wearing a fez hat, a boat used in the trans-Atlantic slave trade, Chappie, a statue of Dido, blue liqueur, Voodoo dolls, the Panama papers, Nazis officials with new names, Christ the redeemer but it’s kicking a soccer ball, a cocaine bust of Pablo Escobar, an indigenous man who speaks in riddles while drinking Tereré, the first legal weed plant, kiwis, a copy of Oedipus signed by Sigmund Freud, chocolate waffles, an AI video of Gavrilo Princip eating a sandwich, the cast of below deck med, pickpockets, hooligans, smelly cheese, a pig wearing lederhosen, windmills, a 2026 Fjord focus, birth marks, a man wearing only a kilt playing bagpipes, bartenders taking a siesta, my mama (Mia), Nazi gold, staged coups, and of course mtv’s Dan Cortese.

And what’s that over there? Is that Roman J Israel esq. and Sydney Applebaum? No! It’s the club staff performing a 1776!

What’s a 1776 Stefon?

It’s like this thing where a bunch of little people commit heinous crimes against children and then to distract from their heinous crimes and those crimes committed by their friends they start a war in the Middle East while also trying to pilfer the coffers through bogus lawsuit settlements that also grant them and their family immunity from further prosecution.

Open during the hours of daylight and saving time this club is fun for the whole family.

YES YES YES YES yes yes yessss. If you’re on summer break or just “funemployed” then New York’s Hottest Club is “yes, grandpa, I know you paid for college yourself but tuition was three dollars a year back then.” Located where the heart of wallstreet would be if those people had hearts, this club has everything!

A deaf mute doorman wearing a hyper-realistic mask of MTV’s Dan Cortese.

A dj cosplaying as Ned “the head” Ryerson from the movie groundhog day playing all of the latest hits by Corky Bucek.

And what’s that over there, is that famed actor and musician Donald Glover? NO. It’s a bunch of little people performing a Moscow mule.

*what’s a Moscow mule Stefon?*

It’s like this thing where a bunch of little people shove Russian nesting dolls up a Trump impersonators ass.

Open all summer long this club is fun for the whole family.

YES YES YES YES yes yes yessssss. If you're a looking to avoid going far or your feet are too sore to operate the flintstones' car, New York's hottest club is "Eh?" Located in the abandoned buffet of an old Shoneys this club HAS. EVERYTHING.

Doctor Who cosplaying as Jesus.

A ball pit filled with Pete Hegseth's empties.

Bartenders who only speak yiddish.

And what's that over there, is that Malala Yousafzi advocating for girls rights to education? No, it's a demented orange cunt dropping bombs on a girls primary school.

And of course the club doesn't close until after the staff perform a Quack Sabbath.

**What's a quack sabbath, Stefon?**

It's like this thing where a bunch of little people dress up like ducks and eat bread thrown at them by a priest.

Open twice a week but you'll never know which days, this club is fun for the whole family.