Is it hopeless??
24 M. Lost, dazed, confused. I quit my private EMT job not too long ago because of the toxic work environment, as well as the constant verbal abuse from supervisors. (Worked there for 8 months). HR essentially told me to go fuck myself in a fake word salad manner which lead to my decision. Sitting on a money cushion, no backup job. Currently smoking dope I couldn’t smoke prior to quitting. In my feelings, another episode.
I don’t see the point of living anymore purely from a “why am I even doing this” perspective. I quit my job simply because I didn’t want to suffer any more. No more pretending, no more “career!”. What a crock of shit. I’ve always felt the need to “do more” with my life. But it’s the same shit everywhere I go. Never have been a bootlicker, and I am a sucker for human decency, being neurodivergent is a huge handicap in corporate America and I’m tired of pretending it’s not.
Not to mention I have 0 passion for anything anymore. (Not that it’s stopping any medic from IFT work). I’m amazed I get out of bed. A big boy career? So I can be incredibly miserable until I reach the age where I’m dead anyway? “But you get a pension!” “Look at this 401k!!” Never was able to conform to that, oh well.
I’ve accepted the fact I’ll never be normal. No matter how hard I try to pretend, it’ll always be there. That shadow. The regret, the racing thoughts you can’t control or tame. I thought I was doing better. I thought I made growth.
Months ago I lost my gf of 2 years who I stupidly pushed away as well as my fp who I will never talk to again. No father. Self absorbed mother who never gave me any support. No friends, no family, all alone. Renting alone. I’m just tired man. This is an illness I would not wish on my worst enemy. I just want to call her. For her to forgive me. Fuck man. It’d be enough. But that’s not reality anymore. Far from it.
I don’t need any sympathy, I just hope some can relate.