Idk what to do
I need help with everything right now. We’re going to call me Jack and call her Jill. Jill pursued me 7 years ago. I just graduated high school and told her not to get her hopes up because I didn’t want a girlfriend. Jill was my first girlfriend. We’ve both done some things in our relationship that would make one another lose trust and be hurt. My wrong doings were worse and I acknowledge that and take accountability. I’ve cheated physically, virtually, every way possible. She is aware of only a fraction of the multiple occurrences.
We are both young (early 20s). Throughout our relationship, there has been plenty of time where I did actually want it. I did and do still love her, but I just wanted to experience the fast life and live on the edge. This is no excuse for my actions, I’m just reflecting. I purposed early this year in February and she said yes.
We haven’t been as close as we were when our relationship had begun. I’m sure that’s somewhat normal, honeymoon phase? She has always wanted me more in our relationship, it has been so unfair the entire time.
Jill unengaged me 3-4 weeks ago now. I’ve been sad the entire time. I’ve never cried more tears in my life. Obviously I am the reason for this entire thing. If I only had made better choices and been a better partner then I’m sure this wouldn’t have happened. Last week I was having a tough time and was begging her to hangout with me one night. She has originally told me yes but that changed. She went to go help her friend because her car had broken down. Then she was dropping her friend off and ended up being with her friend, but having sex with someone that was there. I have been caught and did wrong as well so I feel like I can’t hold that against her. Especially since I wasn’t being intimate with her too often, due to my own insecurities and struggles.
I’m at a point now where I just don’t want to lose my best friend. She’s all I’ve know for the last 7 years. Idk how to talk to girls and I also don’t want that. I just wanted Jill forever and to be the mother our my future children.
We haven’t 6 animals together, our first apartment, and our first real car. This has been a really hard time for me and I’ve been coping with alcohol and I haven’t ate in days. Currently on a 84 hour fast, with no intentions or thoughts to eat again soon. I’m good at expressing my feelings or talking about them, another reason why she unengaged me. I keep my feelings inside all the time.
I’m not really sure the point of this post. I think I just needed to rant. Everyone guy I talk to about this just tells me get hammered and bang girls, but that’s not what I want. I’m not sure how to move on and move forward. I had so many hobbies and now mostly everything is sold and gone. I ripped up all our physical memories, cards, photos, pictures, paintings. I don’t want to lose her but if she does accept me back and is willing to try and work on us, how can I trust her?
Thank you for listening.