I (24F) have been in a relationship with my LDR (former PA?) boyfriend (27M) for a little over two years. We made plans at the start of the year and finally met about two weeks ago. Had sex for the first time together, both of us were virgins. He lasted for 2-3 hours with PiV, but he couldn't finish without relying on masturbation two times. I felt a little sad... and confused, more than anything.
I've never stopped feeling self-conscious because of his past actions, but I'm feeling it even more strongly now.
For a little more background; D-Day was 11 months ago. Before that, it was a full year and a little more where I fell into a hole of self-hatred, rage attacks, self-harm, constant comparisons, nightmares about him, suicidal ideation and whatnot. I honestly had my own suspicions about his possible porn/hentai usage while dating, as I've seen some of his following in social media.
So there's this franchise called ''Touhou'' which is FULL of female characters, like, there's one single male character in existence. Its popularity mostly stems from the creative part of the community, and along with that... its hentai from the girls, I suppose. He'd try to follow pin-up artists of said female characters as to keep his socials ''clean'' and to maintain a facade of being against actual NSFW. He repeatedly lied to my face saying he was disgusted and was against it every time I tried to bring the topic up. All the while he was just bookmarking/saving to his gallery the actual hentai.
He'd often praise huge and I'm talking HUGE waist-hanging breasts, curves and the like. Just your typical anime mommy figure. Even with his favorite characters, he would headcanon them as busty. He'd openly talk about big assets with his friends, and encourage an artist friend in common to start drawing big breasts too. All while he put the flat-chested characters in a bad light. And you guessed right! I'm a small-chested woman. I felt rejected, I felt undesired and I felt disgusting. It hurt a lot seeing him follow artists who drew extreme breasts on those characters for the most part. It hurt every single day. His reasoning behind this was because he's against lolicon, which are often portrayed with my body type. That's honestly valid, but it still hurts. He could've followed something more... vanilla. I don't really know.
Anyways, I let it slide for a whole year + months. I never felt the desire for confrontation, so we never really talked about porn consumption. I was kind of fine with it at the beginning of our relationship, I would even consume porn myself. It started when I noticed the gravity of the situation, when everything felt personal, that it began to affect me. The time he'd take to come back from ''getting ready for bed'', his evident preferences or ideals (even though he DENIES them and still does), sexting with said Touhou anime characters through AI Chatbots, following and searching for ecchi artists of new female characters he comes across in an anime we were watching, commenting below some ecchi/NSFW posts, following more ecchi artists even during a breakdown I was going through... and I recently learnt he was generating hentai for his own pleasure, with the same characters. It hurt. That franchise was everywhere in his life, too; the music, the topics he'd talk about, his friends, games, merch and so on.
Everything broke when he accidentally livestreamed himself scrolling through a Touhou hentai group. I didn't point it out when it happened, it was days later when he noticed me avoiding him. And that's that, there's no way for me to be sure but since then, he's quit hentai, resisted temptations, left the communities and unfollowed artists. I've made the effort to change my habits too. The betrayal just hasn't been any easier for me, at all. My sense of safety, of trust, was just shattered like that. I already struggled with terribly low self-esteem, so this broke me even further. We had the same talk over and over again. I had breakdowns every time I noticed IRL women who fitted his ideal.
He's otherwise a very wise, understanding and loving man... and he's been trying his hardest to show genuine change. I really love him, and I enjoyed the time I spent with him during his visit; I kind of could see beyond my struggles, barely noticing myself any attractive women who could pose a threat. The fun and love allowed me to see past all the hurt and resentment. There's only this specific moment during sex that brought the pain back, with my body being unable to help him release, and he had to use his hand instead. I'm starting to wonder if this is a sign. Could it have been the performance anxiety since it was our first time? Again, he lasted 2-3 hours... Is this really normal for a guy who hasn't had any sexual encounters in the past? We used condoms halfway through the deed.
I'm afraid, tired of bringing it up to him. I'm afraid of asking if he's searched for anything at all.
Thank you for reading through this. ❤️