When I was in junior high, I got mono. I didn't know it was called "the kissing disease," but when I got back to school my buddies all high-fived me and they were like, "nice!" So the next week I came back and I was like, "hey guys, guess what? I got herpes!" And they were like, "too far, William. Too far." But I actually did have herpes.
I volunteered at a local food bank. And they assigned me to “recycle duty,” which is where you go outside and break down cardboard boxes. Apparently I give off “cardboard energy.” Anyway, I did such a good job, that they forgot I was out there. So finally, a security guard pulls up goes, “hey buddy, what are you doing out here?” And I said, “volunteering.” And he goes, “yeah, well, we don’t actually recycle any of this.” And I was like, “what do you mean?” He goes, “we just throw it all away.” And then he points behind me and says, “also, Dollar General wants you to get all of this shit out of their dumpster.”
So I am what is known in the industry as a Level 1 Comedian. That is to say, I took Level 1 Intro to Standup. And I'll have you know, I received the highest grade in the class. I wanted to get to Level 2 intermediate, but I got kicked out of the class. The instructor said I wasn't taking it seriously.
I was in Barnes & Noble, and they now have three whole aisles dedicated to self-help books. Which is crazy, when you can learn so much about yourself by just reading . . . your wife's diary. Like, I learned that I have a problem respecting other people's privacy. I had no idea. And I should probably work on that.
People always get so mad about kids getting participation trophies. Which is ironic because, as adults, we love participation trophies. Go to any office, and it's like, "hey, great job showing up for 10 years and not doing shit. Here's a plaque. And a sheet cake."
When I was a teenager my aunt had a mean cat that hated at me. So one day I decided to take a dump in her litterbox. When I came back later, the family was gathered around the litterbox trying to figure out what was wrong with her that would make her take such a huge dump. So, they took her to the vet and ended up finding early-stage pancreatic cancer. I saved that fucking cat's life and couldn't even take credit for it.