r/StandUpWorkshop

(these are mostly one liners I want to tag onto a joke that works pretty well about my wife thinking I have Alzheimer's)

Here are some things I do the might mean I have Alzheimer’s:

I try to use the TV remote to shut the dog up. ….. I don’t know if it’s Alzheimer’s, but it works if my throw is good.

I use my phone to call the dog.  It’s only Alzheimers if we carry on a conversation…..pisses me off when it goes to voicemail…when I can clearly see she’s got her paw on the phone.

I put my pants on one leg at a time ….a day apart. 

I wait in the parking space for a while before I leave the market.  Definitely Alzheimer’s  ….I walked to the market.

I have 12 back up cans each of pickles, salsa, tomatoes and Garbonzo beans.      Ain’t Alzheimer’s…..it’s just OCD.

My wife’s name is Cassie ….              HOLD ON!               Shit!   That’s my dog’s name.

I’m leaving now.  Anyone know what color my car is?  (walk into wall)

It seems to me everyone likes folk jokes. whether its your classic trio joke (a rabbi, a priest, and an imam walk into a bar), or a reveal (a king holds a trial of three tents to marry off his daughter....). these types of jokes while not gut bursting, are consistently funny and clever.

so I was thinking, much like steven wright can do one liners for an hour, that perhaps I could create a tribute set of an hour of the best folk jokes i can compile. I would use a laugh track and post to youtube, etc. but essentially, i'm here to ask the masses, what are your favorite folk jokes?

After camping with my son in the Eastern Sierras we wanted one last night under the stars.  My son was hangry so we stopped in Lone Pine, California, population 1,440, where he grabbed a burrito off a food truck and headed out to the Alabama Hills, where they used to film old westerns.

Right after we set up camp my son starts high tailing it behind a rock hollering  “Mayday, mayday, my ass is gonna blow!”

He looked like the Road Runner being chased by Wyle Coyote, dirt spinning off his heels, while he’s pulling his pants down on a dead run.  

Then I hear this blood curdling, HOLY SHIT!  I ran around the rock, stepping into the Saint Valentines Day Massacre, but the machine gun bullets (AO) were made of shit. I mean ev -er -y- thing was riddled with crap, including a historical rock, my son’s entire backside and a poor lizard (who I’m sure thought he’d gone to hell).  I took a grazing wound on my right cheek.

I jumped back around the rock, sensing he might be reloading, then I ran for toilet paper. This was not a good time to realize we ran out.  I grabbed a couple t-shirts and returned to the scene of the crime.  No CSI needed, the disheveled, shit stained wreck of the perpetrator was dead still in a half-crouched position, wet bullets dripping off his ass.  No question he was guilty, it was a smoking bum.  Of course, I took crime scene photos. 

He looked like the statue of The Thinker, but smaller….and hairier.  I haven’t seen my son’s bum since he was a kid, and I swear to God, I have no idea how or why, but he has a Gorilla ass!  He has so much ass hair it looked like he was getting rimmed by Shakira!  I got him cleaned up and we just packed up and left the scene of the crime.

I couldn’t help but replay that Gorilla ass in my head as we drove off, and was stoked because one of my nagging life questions was answered.  I now know exactly why …..we buy so much damn toilet paper.

Note to self, with population of 1,440 people all you’ll find to eat is a one star burrito.

My sister has a stomach bug and told me she lost ten pounds. I then told her, “GIVE ME YOUR POOP SO I CAN EAT IT SO I CAN ALSO GET THE SAME STOMACH BUG THAT YOU HAVE WHICH WILL RESULT IN ME TO LOSE WEIGHT TOO”

I just thank god his parents didn't name him Jack

Need some help/feedback - I’ve been writing things down for years but I have a three ish minute joke I want to actually take to my first open mic. Thanks!

The 90s gave us this surprisingly pretty good movie called Backdraft, some of you may be familar. Others using your powers of inference may be thinking it’s a firefighter movie.
WRONG.

Ron Howard was the director people, the guy who made Arrested Development.

He’s the beautiful mind (nailed it) behind Willow, Far and Away, Hillbilly Elegy.

Yeah that one really bummed me out. I learned that live while researching the Howard titles for this bit.

But Backdraft has Kurt Russell. Robert deNiro. Billiam Baldwin. It’s a story of fire, living and dying by the flames. It’s got a cast I wouldn’t shake a fire at.

But it wasn’t until very recently I became aware of Backdraft 2. IMDB 4.9. Not bad honestly, Battlefield Earth had alien John Travolta in the Year 2000 essentially at the height of his powers still and got 2.5. Directed by the slightly less known Gonzalo Lopez-Galego, and Joe Anderson, Donald Sutherland, and Billiam Baldwin. I am dead serious, he reprises his role and plays this films Uncle Figure. It’s like a Father figure but usually worse.

It’s like a Father figure but he most likely hasn’t ever been sexual with your mom.

It’s like a Father figure but he smells like boat.

You guys get it.

Anyways - if I’m being honest I was actually most disappointed it was just Backdraft 2. Really? That’s the best we can do.

Backdraft 2. We can’t be a little fun with the name for the direct to video sequel starring Donald Sutherland in 2019? I honestly feel betrayed, like when you’re hurt by a loved one like a mother, a son, or an Uncle Figure.

Backdraft 2
Second Draft.

Right? Simple. Think of that as a baseline, typical Hollywood stuff. How about -

Backdraft 2
Everything is On Fire.

You see in that one the whole planet is on fire and people live in floating cities and the firefighters are working to clear enough space for humans to land and resettle. Wow, right? Everything is on Fire.

Backdraft 2
Uncle Figure

That one is just a personal favorite I’ll admit. I don’t have a full storyline fleshed out yet but there’s some there there if you know.

Maybe Backdraft 2: Final Draft. But then what if there’s a Backdraft 3, you know Baldwin’s down. Backdraft 3: Final Draft (1).

Backdraft 4: Final_Draft with the date of the release in parentheses like that’s the date you last published edits to a document.

Thanks everyone

Any suggestions?

I can’t stand people who are always late

I’m always on time or very early

My wife hates it.

Get it?

....but I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos of Europeans in America reacting to the stuff we have here. They're like THIS PLACE IS GREAT!!! THE FOOD IS AMAZING AND EVERYTHING IS SO CHEAP!!!! THE PEOPLE ARE SO FRIENDLY!!! At first, I was like, "ok, good. I'm glad you enjoyed your visit." Then, I thought, "shit, what happened the last time a bunch of Europeans came to America and thought it was an awesome place?" Yeah, they're fucking coming back, dude. They're gonna come back with powdered wigs and flags and muskets and shit. They've done it before. Like, I've played RISK.

I have a rule…if your song has no words…it gets no title…like jazz songs…people will be like oh this is Johnson’s caravan..why..how… what gave you that impression…the first jazz song ever should have just been called jazz song 1 and we take it from there…I really loved jazz song 14862…music snobs go well it’s a feeling…yeah I feel like I want to hear words…a 15 minute sax solo ain’t telling me the pain of crossing the country

The printer is always breaking for no reason, the Wi-Fi absolutely sucks, the finance guy suddenly gets hauled off by the cops, and you're just jealous he gets to leave at 3 PM.

I have this setup but I'm stuck on the punchline. Any ideas?

I say “yeah I read! Stop signs, street signs, porn video titles….”

The code is made up of the first syllable of the clients first name and the first syllable of their last name.

I can imagine some uncomfortable calls the office must have had to make. Like,...,

"I'm sorry Mrs. Peters, but your son Ray just doesnt seem to be the right fit.

"Although your daughter Reena shows promise, Mr. and Mrs. Tardive, we just dont have the space right now"

I dont think Nicholas Grant's parents have a chance.

As of last month I’ve been happily married for 46 years!  (pause) …30 of them to the same woman.

Marriage is hard.  It takes a lot of learning, flexibility, and sometimes… lying.

Don’t judge!  When you’re married, there are just some things that you have to keep secret…for the sake of the marriage.

Like not letting her find out that I shop at the bra store…….so I can see my other wife.

We’re not legally married….I just call him that.

I just emailed myself and it went to junk mail… I guess my high school gym teacher was right.

I'm not really sure where to go with this... It's a true story of my childhood so, I'm trying to make a joke out of it but not sure what to do or where to go with it.

I grew up in the 90s.

Back when cable companies let children make terrible financial decisions with their parents money.

I made stupid mistakes.

For few months I kept ordering the playboy channel. 

My mother kept wondering why her bill was so high. Months later they told her, “Someone in your house keeps ordering the playboy channel” 

My mother looked at me like I was a tiny Hugh Hefner. 

My sex education never came from my parents but it came from the cable company. 

Last year, one of my college professors passed away. I was at his funeral with a few friends, and some of them started making racist jokes because he was Black. He was actually a great teacher, so I told them to stop and show some respect.

Standing next to me was one of my college seniors, who now lives in the UK. He had come back after five years but arrived late to the funeral. Suddenly, one of his old classmates rushed over, wrapped him in a huge hug, and broke down crying. The guy was about six feet tall and built like a tank. Somehow, I got caught in the middle. He had one arm around my shoulder and hugged so hard while crying that I could barely breathe. He kept saying how he never got the chance to see our professor during those five years.

At that moment, it just slipped out of my mouth or maybe because my lungs needed saving—I blurted out well five years apart, and death had better networking than WhatsApp. Crazy how the last lesson he taught was bringing everyone back together.