u/Expensive_Pie_831

I have a draft for a short routine below. It does not really feel that punchy, and honestly a little 'hacky'. Also, I have trouble finding a US counterpart to NHS 111. Please come with some good recommendations.

I suggested to my wife that we try some hospital role-play in the bedroom.

So we did not have sex for eleven months because of the waiting list.

It’s been less doctor and patient, and more me being an anxious caller ringing NHS 111.

I usually call her at eight in the morning.

She doesn’t answer, but I’m given the option of a callback.

So I enter my NHS number—all ten digits—and wait.

At quarter past eleven, she calls me back.

She asks a few screening questions, but, as usual, the recommendation is self-care.

When I photograph people, I like to move their body into a natural, relaxed position.

Anyway, I’m no longer allowed at crime scenes.

Whenever my pen stops working, I usually scribble on the back to get the ink flowing. 

That’s how I got fired as a tattoo artist.

Where I do CrossFit, they have a strict no-grunting or slamming policy during deadlifts. 

Mostly because it’s a funeral home.

I was trying to get the waiter’s attention at a restaurant.

After I’d been staring at him for a while, he asked:

“What do you want?”

“More bread.”

“Sure. Just let me finish peeing first.”

I went wine tasting yesterday.

I was told you’re not supposed to spit it out.

I was also told to leave the liquor store.

Being an entrepreneur takes a lot of hard work.

But at 36, I’ve already achieved the lifestyle most people don’t reach until retirement:

Living on next to nothing.

I read that smoking indoors is dangerous for newborns.

Who the fuck sells cigarettes to newborns?

Getting a robot vacuum is like having an elderly parent move in with you.

You think you might get some help around the house.

Instead, you spend all day helping them over thresholds, opening doors for them, and getting them unstuck behind the furniture.

The waiter pours me a little wine and waits for my approval.

So I swirl the glass, smell it, and take a sip.

Then I say:

“No, sorry.”

He asks:

“Is there something wrong with the wine?”

“No. I just don’t like wine.”

I like helping local businesses that rarely get customer reviews online.

“Not much legroom, but nice upholstery. Had a great trip down south"

Three stars!”

I hope they appreciate it...Johnson Funeral Home.

My personal trainer told me to take before-and-after workout pictures.

So now my phone is full of pictures of me eating pizza crying.

After a few weeks, my personal trainer told me to add more resistance to my workouts.

So I did.

I forgot my gym clothes.

Forgot my towel.

Blamed my period.