u/Expensive_Pie_831

I haven’t posted in a while, but I will below share a rough premise, and hopefully some potential laughter. Please help me out.

People never sit in their assigned seats on trains.
You get on board and there’s already someone sitting there.

“Excuse me, you’re in my seat.”

“Yeah, we’d really like to sit together. But my seat is over there.”

As if they’ve done me a favor and rebooked me.

And when I get to that seat, someone else is sitting there, sending me to another seat.
Ten minutes later, somehow I’m driving the train.

Last time, a man said:
“I’d really like to sit next to my wife.”
I said:
“So would I. Move.”

People make a lot of mistakes when booking train tickets.
Like last time, I saw a mother and her child had been given seats one behind the other.
And I thought:
“God, what a terrible booking.”
Because when you travel with children, it’s really important to book them in a separate carriage.

I have a draft for a short routine below. It does not really feel that punchy, and honestly a little 'hacky'. Also, I have trouble finding a US counterpart to NHS 111. Please come with some good recommendations.

I suggested to my wife that we try some hospital role-play in the bedroom.

So we did not have sex for eleven months because of the waiting list.

It’s been less doctor and patient, and more me being an anxious caller ringing NHS 111.

I usually call her at eight in the morning.

She doesn’t answer, but I’m given the option of a callback.

So I enter my NHS number—all ten digits—and wait.

At quarter past eleven, she calls me back.

She asks a few screening questions, but, as usual, the recommendation is self-care.

When I photograph people, I like to move their body into a natural, relaxed position.

Anyway, I’m no longer allowed at crime scenes.

Whenever my pen stops working, I usually scribble on the back to get the ink flowing. 

That’s how I got fired as a tattoo artist.