▲ 31 r/oneliners
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana, but cocaine is where I draw the line.
reddit.comu/808gecko808 — 11 hours ago
r/oneliners
▲ 16 r/oneliners
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places, and he told me to stop going to those places.
reddit.comu/No-Lead-4719 — 14 hours ago
▲ 0 r/oneliners
My son's fav is currently someone saying to him "Learn to take a joke!". He replies: "Learn to make one!!" .... So I said " I did on DATE X" (aka his birthday) 😂
reddit.comu/LockRepulsive4806 — 20 hours ago
▲ 44 r/oneliners
I wasn’t allowed into college fraternities due to being circumcised, because apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
reddit.comu/808gecko808 — 1 day ago
▲ 11 r/oneliners
So I found out the voice of my Navi actually belongs to a successful model. She recently won a pageant and became Miss Direction.
reddit.comu/Inevitable-Smoke7546 — 1 day ago
▲ 103 r/oneliners
My dentist confessed that she has fillings for me.
reddit.comu/jefuchs — 3 days ago
▲ 18 r/oneliners
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
reddit.comu/Motor_Fox_9451 — 3 days ago
▲ 8 r/oneliners
To achieve Enlightenment is to scratch the itch of Existence.
reddit.comu/Throughtheindigo — 3 days ago
▲ 19 r/oneliners
I just came to the realization that I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
reddit.comu/808gecko808 — 3 days ago
▲ 30 r/oneliners
If someone would just pay me to sleep, that would be my dream job.
reddit.comu/Yaguajay — 5 days ago
▲ 106 r/oneliners
I asked my boss to describe me in 5 words, and he said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect, but then added that I also have a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
reddit.comu/daaave33 — 6 days ago
▲ 4 r/oneliners
I don’t drink anything worse than pop, and boy, Pop could drink really some stuff!
reddit.comu/CodeDog6 — 5 days ago
▲ 25 r/oneliners
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar and every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in but it’s currently half empty.
reddit.comu/808gecko808 — 6 days ago
▲ 50 r/oneliners
Dracula always bites people in the neck because he's a neck romancer.
reddit.comu/808gecko808 — 7 days ago
▲ 11 r/oneliners
The thought of insomnia keeps me up at night.
reddit.comu/MyLatestInvention — 6 days ago
▲ 49 r/oneliners
Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it's right up there!.
reddit.comu/808gecko808 — 8 days ago
▲ 4 r/oneliners
Aside from that, Mrs Lincoln - how was the play?
reddit.comu/Southern_Type43 — 7 days ago
▲ 45 r/oneliners
At least the war with Iran has greatly increased the capacity of my gas tank; before, it could only hold $80, now it easily holds $120.
reddit.comu/KW-DadJoker — 10 days ago
▲ 15 r/oneliners
I usually spend the first dates asking the girl about the street she grew up on and the name of her first pet so I’ll at least have access to her passwords.
reddit.comu/joekerr9999 — 9 days ago