u/PappysSecrets

(for the length I need help with some chuckles along the road)

A couple weeks ago, I stopped at roadside memorial because there was a pop-up flower stand next to it and I was curious.  Julian, the guy selling flowers said he was doing it to honor his beloved sister….the one who got killed.  I felt sorry for him so I bought a big bouquet and placed it next to the cross.

A couple days later I was passing another roadside memorial and there was Julian again, with a flower stand.  I parked, went over to Julian and said hi, but I don’t think he recognized me.  He said he was selling flowers to honor his brother, the one who was killed there.  I bought some flowers and placed them by the cross.

Unbelievably I saw Julian again that week at, YEP, another roadside memorial selling flowers.  This was weird so I asked him if he knew the person who died.  Sadly, he said it was his sister, and he was doing this to honor her.

(slap forehead) Son of a bitch!  I’m a so slow.   It finally dawned on me what Julian was doing.

What a great side gig, genius really.  I could do the same thing for some extra bucks.  The hard part would be figuring out how to stage my sister’s fatal accident.

Man, Julian must have a bunch of siblings.

This would be two birds with one accident.   Money….and as a kid I always wanted my sister dead.

Downtown the other day I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in years.

I remember all the fun shit we used to do together.

Made me wish I’d seen him sooner. (Edit?: sooner...in the crosswalk)

It would have saved me $300

On the deductible to have my windshield and front end replaced

I went to see him in the hospital to ask if he was OK …with reimbursing me $300

I know I’ll see him again in a while. 

When I left his room he said I’ll see you in hell! (Edit?: He’s a Christian so I probably won’t see him again

When I left his room he told me I’m going to hell!)

Joke notes: I posted a joke title "Parenting" a few weeks ago that a couple people liked (my threshold for trying them). At open mic they laughed when I pushed him off off the cliff, which I didn't expect. The rest of the joke flew away (bombed), so I thought I'll just put a different ending on it. I'm giving you all this background because it is the first time I felt like "going deeper" felt like it kinda worked. I just imagined what happened after I pushed him. Here's the resulting joke: (go ahead push me off a cliff) Told in a wistful, Jack Handy kind of delivery.

My parenting philosophy was the same that birds use: teach your birdies to fly the nest.  Period  (Wash hands). 

On my son’s 18^(th) birthday from a spectacular perch on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, I explained my parenting philosophy to my son…

then I pushed him off the cliff.  

He loved para-gliding.

Too bad he didn’t have it with him.

I guess I didn’t teach him to fly.

Had I known,  I might not have pushed him. 

Had I only known .........that child support ends at 18.

It was tough talking about it with my ex-wife.

It was even harder talking about it with his mom,

...............having to make the difficult decision of who got to bury ......which half.

Two kids left in the nest.

(add on to a gym bit)

This guy working out next to me asked how much do I bench.  I’m not a gym rat so I wasn’t sure if I should exaggerate or not so I just said I bench about twice an hour.

I love our dogs but my wife really, really, really loves them.  We were at Kroegers on a warm day and she wanted to leave the car window way down so our dog Cassie wouldn’t get overheated.  I wanted it barely cracked so no one would break in.  We compromised somewhere in between.

The whole shopping trip my wife kept asking “do you think Cassie is ok?”. 

We finish up and head out to the car.  I knew right away that Cassie was fine.

I told my wife if it was too hot in the backseat our granddaughter would be crying her head off.

This would be a perfect place for a flower stand.

When I was a kid I dreamt that I got up and went to the bathroom.

No, I didn't pee the bed.

Turned out it was actually real, but the bathroom was actually my closet.