I don’t usually talk politics, but I think we need age limits. Pilots have to retire at 65, right? I don’t want to be rollin down the runway at takeoff when the captain comes on and says welcome passengers, this is your pilot, Mitch McConnell.
As soon as he says his name, the oxygen masks drop. I want my pilot to be AOC.
(I'm a fermenting gentleman)
I call anyone under forty “kids”. Kids in their forties call themselves whip smart….and nearly dead.
My goal is to live to 100, so I’m a full Billy Eilish from dead. Which means I still have a chance to write “Bad Guy”, in the style of Frank Sinatra. You don’t need to fear me because I know who Billy Eilish is. I actually have no clue who she is, but Google says she’s 25.
I’ve had four types of cancer: sarcoma, basal, melanoma and prostate. I’m ok now, but one of those nasty bastards ate my wiener. So my wife became a vegetarian.
I got new hearing aides recently. Some conversation I still can’t hear, but some little teeny weeny things are super clear. shhhh, listen…can you hear that??? Back in that corner …two cockroaches are fucking.
Shhhh (wait for quiet)……..you hear that laughter? Yeah, me neither.
A podcaster who’s an expert on Isis was fired from his government job when Elon’s DOGE rolled through.
At the swash buckling slash meeting the 19 year old head of DOGE said “We don’t need two Isis. It’s a waste of taxpayer money. Let’s just keep one ICE…..so they flipped a coin.
(I'm an age experienced dude :)
I wonder how many fake ID’s are here tonight……I can kind of tell by the way your twitchin’.
I don’t care. I recently helped a young friend of mine get a fake ID.
I mean your life is not fully lived without the excitement of sneaking into a place, especially if they have a great happy hour, special events and all your buds are there.
So I found a dude on Discord who got him one for a hundred bucks.
He was gonna have to wait two more years. Fuck ‘em, he ain’t hurtin’ anybody.
He is now living the life, kicking back at the club house of our over 55 Trailer park.
At breakfast on vacation in Atlanta the server gave me the check. I put my card on top of it and she picked it up.
Then she comes back and tells me my card didn’t work….. I was really embarrassed.
She was nice about it and said “Do you maybe have another card? Something that isn’t a Comfort Inn room key?”
I had my prostate removed 22 years ago.
They took it all! If I pull down my pants, bend over and shine a light in my butthole, I can use my penis for a flashlight.
I have no way of knowing if they removed all the cancer, but there is no question they successfully removed all my erections.
I call my ding dong a vegetarian hot dog, it tastes the same, it just doesn’t plump up.
(heavy on act outs)
I get these stupid nagging questions in my head that I rarely get answered, Like: If you arrive at a four way stop at the exact same time as everyone else, who goes first??? Or Why does it feel like the last sixty years just whooshed by, but a sermon? That’s eternity.
I got the answer to a nagging question.
Coming down from camping in the Eastern Sierras my son grabbed a slimy pork burrito off a food truck, in a pothole of a town on Hwy 395 called Lone Pine. Then we headed out to the Alabama Hills.
We get there and all of a sudden my son takes off like he’d seen a rattler, running behind this massive volcanic rock yelling “Mayday, mayday!”.
I ran around the rock and see my son in an Asian squat groaning “Dad, I need your help!” I feel like Al Capone at the Saint Valentines Day Massacre… machine gun burrito bullets (AO) are spraying everywhere and the Thompson sub-machine gun was my son’s ass. Ev -er -y- thing was riddled with burrito bullets (AO), my son’s backside, Nikes' and a poor lizard (who probably thought he went to hell). I took a flesh wound to my right cheek. (AO)
I jumped back around the rock, sensing he was reloading, while he’s yelling “Dad don’t leave me!” I ran for toilet paper, but we were out, so I grabbed up a couple t-shirts and rushed back to the scene of the crime. True crime YouTubers were not needed. The naked wreck of the perpetrator was dead still in a half-crouched position, like the famous statue The Stinker. Wet bullets were dripping off the gun barrel. No question he was guilty, it was a smoking bum. Of course, I took crime scene photos. Thankfully my son was laughing his ass off.
Now, I hadn’t seen my son’s bum since he was four and I remember it as so cute and squishy, but in this moment I wondered if he was mine, biologically. Neither his mom nor me have that kid’s hairy gorilla ass. I made a mental note that the next time I get a chance I’ve gotta take a butt selfie.
I snapped back to reality. It was like passing a car crash…you wanna look real close but you know you shouldn’t and as you crane your neck you think, I can’t unsee that. He has so much ass hair it looked like he was giving birth to Kim Kardashian!
We both cleaned up, buried the evidence and left the scene of the crime, my arm around my son and him…..laughing hysterically.
On the ride home there was a faint reminder of the massacre seeping from under the two-man Coleman tent that my son was wrapped in.
As I drove, my mind couldn’t stop seeing my son’s waving wheat field, and I was overjoyed, I mean really happy…. a long nagging question was answered.
Why………Why, at home, do we buy sooooo much toilet paper?
Oh yeah….I had to buy my son a new “Cage The Elephant” t-shirt.
(Old white dude)
Guys, I just learned that dating a cougar means she’s way older than you. If I was dating a cougar…she’d be dead.
Which is pretty cool…. When you’re into cheap dates and necrophelia.
Gives a whole new meaning to drop dead gorgeous.
(I'm a pre-doddering old man)
Algorithms need to do a better job. I keep getting these ads with pictures of half naked older women and the heading “The softest bras for seniors”.
You’d think the algorithm would know I’m a man….who’s happy with the bra he wears.
Jeez, get to know me better. Sell me a nice skirt to wear to pickleball.
In fifth grade our teacher asked everyone, one by one, if they had a nickname. She got to me, Richard, and I told her my family calls me Little Dick, which got a few chuckles.
I told her they call my dad Big Dick.
My teacher says, oh, so your dad’s name is Richard too.
No, his name is Carl.
They say that the North end of our county is all cowboys and Christians.
That means there’s a bunch of churches and a bunch of guns.
Church might be the safest place in town.... if it weren’t so dangerous.
OR:
Church could be the safest place in town…..or the most dangerous.
OR???
The bullwhip was the first human-made object to break the sound barrier.
And the last sound ever heard ….by the massa Adams.
We ate at a real fancy restaurant last week and I had Elk for the first time.
If you’ve never had Elk,
It tastes a lot like barbecued Rotarian.
At my age the easiest thing i do is not take a shower.
I feel like an idiot at Walmart, wandering up and down the aisles, following the list and finding the bathroom.
A bar I can find, but a barcode at self checkout?? Sheesh
As hard as all that that is, it’s a lot easier than when I leave and cant find the house…of the door dash customer.
My wife and I saw Willie Nelson in concert the other night. We had great seats and the show was fantastic! I could see every one of his 93 years in his wrinkles.
(Sadly) I’m pretty sure it’s the last time I’ll see him on stage.
Until he’s 94
Of course, he played “Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die”.
Every time I hear that song I think about Willie …rotating on a rotisserie
I spend way to much time looking at my phone and I know it’s bad for me, so last week I decided to go cold turkey and turn mine off.
Let me tell ya, I’ve never felt so peaceful, calm and relaxed …..as in that 12 minutes.
I realized how old I am when we were watching the World Cup.
The camera zooms in on celebrities and I go Who’s that?….camera zoom Who’s that? I have no idea who these people are. My wife, gets excited, points, and shouts that’s Norm McDonald, thrilled that she’s more hip than me, look, Norm McDonald!
I didn’t correct her. Even I know ...he doesn’t like soccer.
Elder abuse is on the rise for three main reasons: More old people, they’re an easy target and… pickleball.
Pickleball is just legal elder abuse. My wife was at the doctor with me for a black eye and he saw bruises and lacerations so he asked who did this? I said, well doc, I did it. My wife’s just an easy target.
Showing understanding and empathy he suggested she start using…. a two handed backhand.
But if it continues, try an injunction.
I got some good feedback on this one and for some reason it just keeps poking me. I've done some different punches. Referencing the numbers I used, could you give me your thoughts/ideas? I've left the setup alone, but feel free to help improve that as well. Thanks!
I knew pickleball was popular when I saw it in an ad for Cialis.
So I joined in with the rest of the old people and I’m glad I did.
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Eric Oncins, a professional pickleball player, went viral at a tournament when he blew on a ball in the air to make it clear the net.
Now there’s a new rule: “Players cannot blow the ball over the net”.
It’s still ok to blow the ref.
But it’s unsportsmanlike conduct….unless you pay him.