r/Jokes

There's nothing on the island, not trees or animals or even grass. Cinderella starts to cry. "Oh, what will I do?"

Then POOF! Her Fairy Godmother appears.

"Oh thank goodness!" Says Cinderella. "Fairy Godmother, I need your help again! Please get me off this desert island and back safely to land!"

"Oh, deary me!" Says the Fairy Godmother. "Unfortunately, my magic can only turn things into other things. I could make one of these rocks into a ship to sail you home, and some other rocks into sailors, but it would be a journey of many weeks, and they'd all turn back into rocks at the stroke of midnight and you'd drown! I think I will have to fly across the ocean myself and try to convince a ship to sail out to rescue you! But it will take days, or possibly weeks, and you might starve in the meantime. So here is what I will do. I will give you some of my magic."

Zippity zoop! The Fairy Godmother waves her wand at Cinderella.

"There. Now, all you need to do is point at something and say a type of food, and that thing will turn into that food and so you will be able to stay fed and healthy until I can return."

"Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" Cinderella says. "Let me try it out right now!" She points at a nearby rock. "You are a roast turkey."

POOF! The rock turns into a perfectly cooked roast turkey, smelling delicious. Delighted, Cinderella points at a seashell. "You're a milkshake!"

POOF! The seashell turns into a milkshake.

"Oh wow!" Cinderella says, "This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother, you're a lifesaver!"

POOF!

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas!

"Absolutely not!" says her Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are a bunch of little princes running around."

So her Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. "Okay," she says, "I've turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you'd better be back before midnight, because that's when it will turn back into a pumpkin."

So Cinderella goes out, and her Fairy Godmother is waiting for Cinderella to return. It's midnight, then 1:00, then 2:00.

Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Where have you been?" demands her Fairy Godmother.

"Out," says Cinderella.

"Didn't that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?"

"Yes."

"Well ... what happened?" asks her Fairy Godmother.

And Cinderella says, "I met the nicest guy ... named Peter Peter."

The owner of the expensive car gets out of his car and says “give me 100,000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!”
The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins do you? Well bring me 100,000 dollars or I’ll beat your dad up!”, the son answers, in a very calm and reassuring way “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
15 minutes later the son pulls up with a jeep and a man steps out, walks straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattens him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad for the last time I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins.”

…because every time I try to put it in her mouth, she turns her head!

I'll call it The Abs Solution

Lad: It’s me cat, it’s not well.

Vet: Is it a tom?

Lad: Nah, I gorrit wimme in a box!

Because it was soda pressed.

A whale and his calf are swimming together near the Faroe Islands, suddenly the father noticed a whaling boat and before they start harpooning them, instinctively set himself between the fishermen and his pup, unfortunately the mariners successfully hunt the whale.

The calf, overwhelmed by what just happened can only bring himself to thank his father for his sacrifice and with his last breath the dad answered: you are whalecome

Years pass by and the calf grows and forms a family of his own, still resentful of what the fishermen in the Faroe Islands did to his father he plots a cunning plan to take revenge.

leaving the calf’s behind he and his wife go hunting for the boat who killed his dad years ago and soon they find it.

-Ok, let’s proceed with the plan, first let’s dive underneath the boat and blow some bubbles until the boat capsize.

they immediately find success and all the fishermen start swimming around in panic

-Now let’s eat them! said the whale with rage

-Look, listen. Said the wife; - I was ok with the blowjob but I’m not swallowing the seamen

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The receptionist asks "What can I do for you?" The duck replies "Get this wart of my ass."

He goes to the shop owner and says, "I'm celebrating my birthday. How much for your finest cigar?"
"I've got just the cigar for such an occasion," says the owner, "It's a hundred dollars."
"All right, I'll take it."
Jerry opens it outside and takes a few experimental puffs. The taste was abominable. He puts it out and storms back inside.
"How dare you sell me such a stinker! What's the idea?"
"Trust me," says the shop owner. "You're a very lucky man."
"Lucky?? With such a cigar?"
"That's right," says the shop owner. "You only have one of those foul stogies. I have a whole store full of 'em!"

The woman says, "you must be the worst lover in the world".

The man defensively replies, "Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?"

Anyway we never went back to Thailand.

The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.

The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

She uses this power to stand exactly wherever I need to get to in the kitchen

You'll strain your voice.

Tits ain't cheap.

She walks over to a clerk and says

"Donde estan los calcetines"

The clerk doesn't speak Spanish but tries to help her anyways. He holds up a T-shirt saying "Is this what you need?"

She shakes her head, frowning.

Next he holds up a pair of pants, and she shakes her head again.

After 5 or 6 attempts, he finally holds up a pair of socks with an exasperated look.

The woman smiles and says:

"Eso si que es!"

The clerk gets a sour face and says:

"If you knew how to spell it, why didn't you start with that?!"

He asks the farmer, "Can I thee her walk?"

The farmer says "Sure." And he pats the horse's rear to make it walk.

Then the guys asks, "Can I thee her wun?"

The farmer says "Sure." And he slaps the horse's rear to make it run.

Then the guys asks, "Can I thee her twot?"

The farmer says "Um, sure?" And he lifts the horses tail.

The woman screams, "These contractions are going to kill me!"

And the guy says, "Sorry, honey. What is wrong?"