r/Jokes

The CEO asked, "What are you doing?"

The man replied, "Wasting my time until I'll get paid."

The CEO was furious, "What is your weekly salary!?"

Man, "1000$"

The CEO counted 2000$ and gave it to the man, "Take this money and get out! You don't work here anymore!"

The man silently took the money and left.

CEO walked up to the reception, "By the way, who was this guy?"

The receptionist said, "Pizza delivery".

He visits me randomly by showing up at my balcony door, wanting to hang out IG. I'm trying to befriend him, so I let him in. But eventually I find him rubbing his face on my dirty clothing I use for workouts.

I guess I don't mind. It's not like he's hurting me or anything. And I think I'm a bit flattered that he likes my smell so much. I'm a grown ass man by the way, so I can handle myself.

Anyway, is this normal behavior for adults? He's like 9 years old.

Edit: Oh crap, wanted to post in r/catadvice !

The bartender says it can't be that bad.

The guy says "You have no idea. I had $1M in crypto, so I buried their recovery codes in the park where no one would ever find them. Then I got into NFT art - mostly animated GIFs - and buried those in the same spot."

"I went back today and there's just a hole. Everything I had is gone! How did they find it?"

The bartender says, "That's bad alright. But everyone knows to be where a geek's burying GIFs."

The man goes to the dealership and starts the process.

The clerk says, "you have to pay in full upfront and there's a 10 year wait for you to come and get your new car. Exactly 10 years from today come back and get your car."

Man, "Should I come in the morning or the afternoon?"

The clerk says, "What's the difference? It's in 10 years!"

Man, "Well, I have the plumber coming in the morning."

He asks the pharmacist, "Can I cut each pill into quarters?"

"Sure", says the pharmacist, "but why? Each tablet is the right amount for ED".

"I don't care about ED", says the guy, "I just want to stop peeing on my shoes"

But, at the end of the day, we weren't koalafied.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Tony peers over the edge, and sees a large pile of manure. So Tony says to Mario, "Hey, how about I jump first into the manure, and then I yell up to tell you how deep it is, to make sure it's safe."

Mario agrees, and Tony jumps. A few seconds later Mario hears, "OK, it's only knee deep, come on down!"

So Mario jumps, and the manure quickly engulfs him up to his neck.

Mario yells, "Tony, I thought you said the manure was only knee deep?!"

And Tony says, "Well I didn't know you were gonna jump feet first!"

They arrive at an American factory.

Carter announces: "Gentlemen, starting tomorrow, your wages will be cut by 5%!". The next day, there are labor strikes at the factory.

They arrive at a Soviet factory.

Brezhnev declares: "Gentlemen, starting tomorrow, your wages will be cut by 5%!". The Russians keep working.

Brezhnev cut wages in half. The Russians keep working.

Brezhnev declared that there would be no wages at all. The Russians keep working.

Brezhnev finally announces: "Tomorrow, you will all be hanged!" Amid the workers' meeting, there was some murmuring. Carter nudges Brezhnev's elbow: "See, it's started!"

Someone's hand rises in the middle of the room: "Should I bring the rope and soap with me from home or would the factory committee provide us with them?"

Then meet them at the nearest Denny’s and celebrate with them while enjoying an ice water.

It was in tents.

“Ballistics is going to go corporate on this”

I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. My girlfriend’s (very beautiful) sister opened the door in nothing but a barely tied towel straight from the shower.

She seductively asked me to come in and said no one would be home for at least a few hours.

She placed her hands on my shoulders to pull me in and came up close to me.

I stopped her and left the house.

I got into my car with sweat on my brows and palms. Immediately, someone knocked on the door. I looked up to see my girlfriend.

And her dad, her mom, and her sister,

I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight. She said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.

CLP-1s

By burning down the animal shelter

Pyotr Parkour

So I said "why July about it"?

One day, her jerk ex boyfriend, who dumped her after she found out he was having an affair with another nurse, entered her clinic. "I know this is usually something that you say to me" The boyfriend chuckled "but I have a really bad headache. Think you could help me with it?". Ariya gave him a box of pills and sent him out.

Little did he know, that Ariya hid laxatives in the Ibuprofen package she gave him. As the boyfriend was sitting on the toilet, shitting his guts out, he looked up and yelled:

"DIE, ARIYA!!!"

It's early in the morning, and he's watching the calm water. Slowly, a small boat emerges from the thick morning fog. The fisherman recognizes the two people on board: his old friend, Pyotr Ivanovich, casually leaning back on a bench and smoking a pipe, and Pyotr's wife, rowing furiously, drenched in sweat and on the verge of exhaustion.

"Where are you going so early this morning, Pyotr Ivanovich?" the fisherman shouts.

"I'm taking my wife to the maternity hospital in town!"

Because with great power, comes great response ability.