The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, of course," says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic.
"I know," says the artist, "But I'd like to hear it anyway."
God tells him, "Since you've led such a pure and noble life, is there any earthly questions I can answer before you join your family in paradise?"
The man thinks and says, "I've always wondered who really killed JFK."
God responds, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, using his own rifle, with no accomplices."
The man ponders God's response and replies, "Damn... I never realized how high up this conspiracy goes..."
Unfortunately, the parrot has a well-developed libido, and starts sneaking out of the house and screwing the neighbor's chickens.
The neighbor complains, and the woman warns the parrot that if he doesn't stop screwing the chickens, she will shave his head.
That night, overcome with desire, the parrot sneaks out and screws his neighbor's chickens again. Once again the neighbor complain, and the woman shaves the parrot's head.
The next day the woman is hosting another party and, as punishment, instead of letting the parrot stand on his comfortable perch to announce the guests, she makes him stand on the slippery piano.
As the guests begin to arrive, the parrot does his job. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot says, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." When Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrive, the parrot says, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Jones."
Then a couple of bald guys show up. The parrot says, "All right, you chickens fuckers -- up here on the piano with me!"
You go on a head. I'll give these two a lift.
The waiter looks at him sternly, "No sir, I'm very sure he intends to eat it himself."
"It's just heartbreaking to see all of those faces with absolutely no hope," said one of the orphans.
I don't know shit about Excel.
“Dad, how does an airplane fly?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“How does a ship stay afloat?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“Dad, how does the TV work?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“Dad, am I annoying you with all these questions?”
“No, son. If you don’t ask, you’ll never learn!”
So I gave her two Popeyes biscuits with no drink
The husband says, "I am. I'm watching this video to learn how to do it."
The wife says, "Well, when does he get to that part?"
And the guy says, "Probably when he finishes fucking this broad."
Just a paranormal jeans.
I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."
I asked what happens when they do.
"We get another sheep."
They both have a black box
A horse gets free and wanders into a bar. The bartender jokingly says, "Why the long face?"
The horse, being a horse, takes a huge crap in front of the bar. At the end of the bar, a man the bartender had stopped serving for being too intoxicated starts laughing hysterically because the bartender that cut him off will have to clean it.
The bartender looks at him and is about to say, "I don't think that's funny," but all he gets out is, "I don't think..." and he vanishes.
In a dark corner of the bar, Rene Descartes says, "I warned him." I would have mentioned he was there right from the start, but I was always taught to never put Descartes before de horse...
"Oh, Schist!"
His four arms were huge!
Patient: “I’ll take the one covered by insurance.”
Anesthesiologist: “Alright. Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop…”
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
I find it fascinating how Americans use different words than us English, for the same items.
A bonnet is a hood, boot is a trunk and a tap is a faucet.
So I hear the phrase “tap that ass” from Americans all the time. As an English man, I assume they mean the ass is much tighter, so they must faucet in.
With K-cups