He saw two men trying to take the woman's purse. He grabbed one of the attackers but the second one got away.
Once the police showed up, they asked the fisherman to describe the one that got away.
The fisherman described, "He must have been at least ten feet tall and weighed a thousand pounds!"
- Hi, why aren't you fishing?
- Well, I caught the fishes we plan on eating
- But if you caught more, you could sell them.
- And then what?
- Then you could buy a motor for the boat to catch even more fish
- And then what?
- Then you can sell more fish, get more boats, and even more fish, and sell that as well
- And then what?
- Then you can enjoy life!
- And what do you think I'm doing right now?
The pope is asleep in his chambers when he's awoken by a great ruckus of shouts and prayers. The conclave of bishops has been studying the scripture and determined something of grave importance: if the pope does not have sexual relations with a woman within the next 24 hours, all of humanity is doomed! Obviously, he's deeply shaken by the news and checks their findings only to discover that they are correct and there's nothing else for it.
A small group of especially discreet priests is assembled to find an appropriate woman for the pope to bed. As they are about to set out upon the streets of Rome, the pontiff gives them his final instructions:
"First, the woman must be blind, so that she will never know with whom she is having relations."
The priests all nod in understanding.
"Second, the woman must be mute, so that she can never tell of what happened."
Again, there are nods of agreement.
"And finally, she must have big tits!"
an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a South Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request."
The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country."
The German nods, "That can be arranged."
The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country."
The German nods, "That can also be arranged."
The Welshman says, "For the last time before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country."
The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."
"You're going to grant those three requests?" asks the Englishman.
"Of course," says the German officer. "So... what is your request?"
And the Englishman says, "Can I be shot first?"
The sales man laments, "I tell ya, if the furniture business doesn't pick up, I'm gonna lose my ass!"
The prostitute smiles and says, "That's a funny coincidence. If the ass business doesn't pick up, I'm gonna lose my furniture!"
He puts his pajAMAZON
Ian
As the bartender is serving the beer he asks the man, " I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Why do you have a salami sandwich taped to your head?"
"My family has a proud tradition. We all always wear sandwiches tape to our heads on Tuesdays."
"Today is Monday."
"Oh my! I must look like such an idiot!"
"That's a gorgeous ring you have on. That center diamond is the biggest one I've ever seen."
The old woman perks up a bit. "Why, Thank you. That large middle diamond is actually known as the Plotnik Diamond. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but the Plotnik Diamond actually comes with a curse"
The young woman says, "Wow, a curse! That sounds so romantic"
The old woman frowned a bit then said, "If you knew the curse, you wouldn't think it was so romantic"
"Why? What is the Plotnik curse?
"Mr. Plotnik!"
The first digs a hole in the grass verge, and the second one comes along and fills it in.
The first chap walks several yards on and digs another hole, and sure enough his mate comes along and fills it in.
After the 4th hole the guy watching can stand it no longer. He goes up to the workmen and says, "I'm really impressed at how hard you are working. But what are you doing?"
"Ah," says the first man, "we're from the highways department. There's usually 3 of us, but the guy who puts the tree in the hole called in sick this morning."
A teacher proceeds to teach Math to the kids in the first grade for the first time.
So she asks: "Hello, is there anyone among you who can already count?"
One kid raises his hand.
"What's your name?" asks the teacher.
"George Lucas" answers the kid
"Show me you can count," encourages the teacher.
"four, five, six, one, two, three..."
One’s a heated yam, the other’s a yeeted ham
How do you know if a duck is a male or a female?
You throw a piece of bread at it:
If he eats it, it's a male.
If she eats it, it's a female.
At a job interview:
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I’m a perfectionist.”
“That’s more of a strength. Anything else?”
“I’m also incredibly annoying. And by the way, there’s a typo on your sign.”
​
- Mr. Silva, you’re in very good shape for a 40-year-old.
- And who said I’m 40?
- How old are you?
- I just turned 57 in March.
- No way! And how old was your father when he died?
- And who said my father died?
- Oh, sorry. How old is your father?
- The old man is 81.
- 81?! That’s great! And how old was your grandfather when he died?
- And who said he died?
- I’m sorry. How old is he?
- 103, and he still rides a bicycle.
- That’s wonderful! And your great-grandfather? What did he die of?
- And who said he died? He’s 124 and he’s getting married next week.
- Now that’s too much! — says the doctor, annoyed.
- Why would a 124-year-old man want to get married?
- And who said he wanted to get married? He didn’t want to… but he got the girl pregnant!
He slept on the couch, instead.
We got pretty big, but we never really took off.
He gets three inches taller.
…and he tells the bartender, “My dog can talk. If he talks, you gotta give me $50.” The bartender says, “Whatever, buddy. Prove it.”
So, the dog owner says, “OK, pup. What’s on the top of a house?” And the dog says, “Roof, roof, roof.” The owner says, “You owe me $50!”
The bartender says, “Any dog can bark like that! That dog can’t talk. I’m not paying you. Ask it something else!”
So, the dog owner goes, “OK, pup. Who was the best baseball player of all time.” And the dog says, “Ruth, Ruth, Ruth.” The owner again says, “You owe me $50. He talked that time.”
Once again, the bartender says, “That’s not talking. He’s barking again. Get the heck out of my bar. I’m not paying you.”
So, the owner and the dog leave and walk down the street. The dog looks up at the man and says, “Sorry about that. I knew I should’ve said Gehrig.”