u/Jokeminder42

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request."

The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can be arranged."

The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can also be arranged."

The Welshman says, "For the last time before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."

"You're going to grant those three requests?" asks the Englishman.

"Of course," says the German officer. "So... what is your request?"

And the Englishman says, "Can I be shot first?"

There is a bit of grumbling from the crowd as Sir Hamburg continues, "Instead, the role will be played by my wife, Lady Allison Pickmore."

From the back of the theatre a voice yells out, "Your wife is a bloody bitch!"

And Sir Hamburg says, "Nevertheless..."

The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?"

"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"

"And how are you treating that?"

"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"

"And what's your goal in life?"

"To kill the enemy Sir!"

Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?"

"Genital warts, Sir!"

"And how are you treating it?"

"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"

"And what's your goal in life?""To kill the enemy, Sir!"

Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier.

"And why are you here?"

"Gum disease, Sir!"

"And how are you treating it?"

"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"

"And what's your goal in life?"

"To beat those other two to the fucking wire brush, Sir!"

The accountant said, "Don't do it; it's a terrible idea."

"Why?" asked the bartender.

And the accountant said, "Because there's too much fucking overhead."

One day the lion's wife asked, "Why do you let that stupid hyena taunt you like that? You are the king. Do something about him."

But the lion simply said, "It's not worth it. He isn't hurting anyone. It's just a lot of hot air."

However the Lioness felt like she needed to teach that hyena a lesson so she began to chase him. The chase went on for miles and eventually the hyena led her to a fallen, hollow tree trunk and went through it. The Lioness tried to follow but got stuck. The hyena then got behind her and started screwing her.

Once the hyena left she managed to back out of the trunk, and she slunk back home.

The lion took one look at his wife and said, "He took you to that hollow tree, didn't he?"

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took you so long? You're more than two hours late."

"Hey, give me a break!" whined the yuppie. "I'm a 27 handicap."

Sensing that they were hungry and needed to eat, the major asked, "Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers?"

"Well," said one of the girls, "we'd like to eat something first."

His buddy says, "Thanks."

And the guy says, "Don't mention it."

His buddy says, "Well, there's a hockey game tonight."

And the guys says, "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."

- RIP Norm MacDonald

The guy figures this is his lucky day, so he goes to the racetrack. He sees that one of the horses in the first race is named "Top Hat," and thinks to himself "This must be a sign! The rabbi gave me a blessing!" So he bets the $20 on Top Hat, and the horse wins the race! The guy is now up $100.

In the next race there's a long shot named Stetson, so he puts the whole $100 on Stetson. Stetson wins! The guy is now up $1500.

Now he's really sure of himself, and on the next race he bets all his winnings on a horse named Chateau, at 100-1 odds. But to his shock, the horse comes in dead last.

Dejected, he goes home and tells his wife what happened.

"You idiot!" says his wife. "Chateau is a house, chapeau is a hat! We could have been rich! Anyway, which horse won?"

And the guy says, "I dunno... some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke.'"

The guy says, "Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!"

And his wife says to the stranger, "See? I told you he was stupid."

The doctor says, "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

The guys says, "Right around the entrance!"

And the doctor says, "I don't think I can help you. As long as you call that the entrance, it's gonna hurt."

You can get it with either GPS or a speedometer, but not both.

He's wanted dead and alive.

After a couple weeks of practice he nails the phrase, goes to the café, and, wearing his best suit and a smug expression he says to the barista, "I'll have a coffee, please!"

The barista nods and says, "Cream, sugar, or black?"

And the guy says, "F-F-FUCK YOU!!"

"Why is he laughing?" asks the inspector.

"Oh, that's Carl," says the director. "He tells jokes to himself."

"Hmmm," says the inspector. "He just stopped laughing. Why is that?"

And the director says, "That's because he's already heard that one."

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

Shocked, the teacher decides to ignore Johnny and move on as quickly as she can. "And you, Susie?" the teacher asks. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

And Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

The frog is thrilled. He says, "This is fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic. "In biology class."

Her friend says, "What a dick!"

And the woman says, "You'll have to be more specific."

"Well," says his wife, "why don't you take my brother Scott along next time?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf," says Jack.

"But Scott has perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, and he'd enjoy riding in the cart on that beautiful course."

So the next day Jack tees off with Scott looking on. Jack swings, and the ball disappears down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asks Jack.

"Yup," says Scott.

"Well, where is it?" asks Jack.

And Scott says, "I forgot."