The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, of course," says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic.
"I know," says the artist, "But I'd like to hear it anyway."
Unfortunately, the parrot has a well-developed libido, and starts sneaking out of the house and screwing the neighbor's chickens.
The neighbor complains, and the woman warns the parrot that if he doesn't stop screwing the chickens, she will shave his head.
That night, overcome with desire, the parrot sneaks out and screws his neighbor's chickens again. Once again the neighbor complain, and the woman shaves the parrot's head.
The next day the woman is hosting another party and, as punishment, instead of letting the parrot stand on his comfortable perch to announce the guests, she makes him stand on the slippery piano.
As the guests begin to arrive, the parrot does his job. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot says, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." When Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrive, the parrot says, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Jones."
Then a couple of bald guys show up. The parrot says, "All right, you chickens fuckers -- up here on the piano with me!"
The husband says, "I am. I'm watching this video to learn how to do it."
The wife says, "Well, when does he get to that part?"
And the guy says, "Probably when he finishes fucking this broad."
And his buddy says, "Well boo fuckin' hoo."
First off, there's this girl that always follows me around like a puppy. Which isn't so bad because she's pretty hot, but man is she dumb. Like, really dumb. She has convinced herself she's going to be a professional model one day and... well I don't see it happening. Needless to say, she's pretty useless at the office.
On the flipside, this other girl is exactly the opposite. She's ugly; just ugly. And she has horrible taste too, so it's not like she even really tries. She's pretty smart though, and I hate to admit it but we would probably go out of business if she stopped showing up to work. She's valuable, but damn do I cringe nearly every time I have to talk to her.
And then there's this last guy... the stoner. The idiot is baked every day before work, after work, and most days during work.
And to make it worse he brings his dog in with him so we have this bigass Great Dane running around all over the place stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Anyway, I drive these clowns around in my van all day and we solve mysteries and shit.
The redneck looks over both shoulders, then slides a $37 bill toward the cop and says, "How about now?"
An hour later the guy comes back, sits down and the process starts over.
Motioning to the bartender, Bob asks, "How does that short, bald guy do it? What is his secret?"
And the bartender says, "I have no idea. He just sits there, all by himself, licking his eyebrows."
He says, "God, no."
And she says, "Um... how about now?"
"I don't know," the guy says.
"Well," the girl says, "We have just the thing. See that fence over there? It has several holes. Check it out, and then come back and tell me what size you need."
So the guy goes over to the fence. Meantime, the girl runs around back and puts her pussy up to each hole as the guy probes each one with his cock.
The guy comes back to the counter as the girl returns from behind the fence.
"Well?" the girl pants. "What size do you need?"
"The hell with the condoms," the guy says. "Give me four hundred feet of that fence."
"Where to?" he stammers.
"Union Station," says the woman.
"You got it," he says, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman catches him staring at her and asks, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well, lady, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you're gonna pay your fare."
The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat, smiles at the driver and says, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Uh, got anything smaller?"
He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades."
"Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!"
And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."
"Dude, you need to break up with her," says his buddy.
"Why?"
"Too many red flags."
"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"
"They are."
"What about my sister?"
Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him, "Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother-in-law. Just relax and don't worry about anything. Your entire family is at your side."
The old man's head sinks back into his pillow, he closes his eyes, and says, "If everyone is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?" asks the Dean. "All they need are pencils, paper, and a garbage can."
"The Dean continues, "Better yet, you could be like the philosophy department. They don't even need the garbage can."
Because someday, you’ll be able to ask, "Why do you want fries with that?"
The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask in a roundabout way. That way you won't get nervous."
"T-t-That's a g-g-good idea!" says the guy.
The next day the friends see each other. The stutterer has a black eye and a broken nose.
"What the hell happened?" asks the friend.
The guy says, "W-w-well, I t-tried your advice. W-w-we were sitting on the c-c-couch, and the cat was in front of us, w-w-washing his face with his p-p-paw.
And I s-s-said, 'Y-y-you know, if w-w-we were m-m-married, y-y-you could d-d-do that t-t-to me!'"
"That's perfect!" says the friend. "That's exactly what I meant. What happened?"
And the guy says, "W-w-well, b-b-by the t-t-time I g-g-got it out, t-t-the cat w-w-was licking his balls!"
An old man on crutches hobbles up to the front of the room. "What is your name and what do you want?" asks the evangalist.
"My name is Fred, and I would like to be able to walk again," says Fred.
"Bless you, Fred," says the evangalist. "Please wait behind that curtain. Is there anyone else who wishes to be healed?"
Another man comes up to the front of the room. "What is your name and what do you want?" asks the evangalist.
"M-m-my n-n-name is P-p-patrick, and I w-w-would like to l-l-lose m-m-my s-s-stutter," says Patrick.
"Bless you, Patrick," says the evangalist. "Please wait behind that curtain."
"Now," says the evangalist, "I would like everyone here to silently pray for those two believers behind the curtain."
After ten minutes of silent prayer the evangalist calls out, "Fred! Please throw your crutches over the curtain!" A pair of crutches come flying over the curtain.
"Praise the lord!" says the evangalist, "Patrick, please say something!"
And Patrick says, "F-f-fred f-f-fell down."
The guy says, "Is that right? How much did one like mine go for?"
And the woman says, "50 cents!"
So the guy says, "You know, I also had a dream about an auction. In my dream they were auctioning vaginas. Okay ones were going for $25, pretty tight ones were going for $50, and really tight ones were going for $100."
The woman says, "Oh yeah? How much was one like mine?"
And the guy says, "That's where they held the auction."
And his wife says, "He's not our waiter."
They are both jonesing for a drink, so they sell the paint, buy booze, get plastered and pass out.
They are awakened by the sound of the farmer arriving to check on their progress. So they quickly smothered the horse's snout with a litte bit of paint.
The farmer approaches and says, "Hey, why isn't anything painted?"
One of the rednecks says, "'Cause your horse drank all the paint!"
The farmer immediately takes his rifle and shoots the horse.
"What the hell!" says the other redneck. "You just killed a horse over a couple buckets of paint?"
"The hell with him," says the farmer. "Last year I hired a couple of guys like you to build a wall, and that goddamn horse ate ten bags of cement."