r/tifu

For the past few weeks I’ve been walking by this one department in my office and they’ve had these butterfly gardens, basically little net houses. At first they’re caterpillars, then they become cocoons, and then they turn into butterflies. I walk by every day and look at them because it’s so cool.

Today I’m on my lunch break and one of my coworkers, who’s also been over there looking at them, is like, “Hey, they’re about to release the butterflies outside the building, come watch.” And I was like oh my gosh. So I ran after them.

Mind you, as I’m walking up to this butterfly release, I do not know a single person there. I have never even seen any of these people’s faces before. But in my mind, this is just a small department of ten or so people releasing the butterflies they’ve been raising, so whatever.

I get outside and the small crowd is gathered in a circle and they’re like okay, we’re going to release the butterflies. I’m so giddy, smiling ear to ear.

Then the woman doing the release is like, “I’m not very good at public speaking, so sorry if I mess up.” And in my head I’m like girl it’s a butterfly release, it’s not that big of a deal.

Then she’s like, “If anyone wants to say a few words before the release, you can do so now.”

No one says anything. It’s completely silent and feels so awkward. So I decide to help break the silence and I’m like, “I hope the butterflies live a long great life.”

Then it starts to click.

We had all gotten an email about three weeks ago that an employee at the company had passed away. I didn’t know her, so I didn’t really think anything of it when I went outside.

They’re literally having a memorial for her.

Apparently she really liked butterflies, and the butterfly release was part of her memorial.

Me and my coworker look at each other like oh my God, we just crashed a memorial.

Then they started playing her favorite sad John Mayer song, everyone’s crying and giving eulogies for like 30 minutes, and me and my coworker are just standing there completely mortified.

But we were so deep in at that point that we couldn’t leave because that felt disrespectful. It was disrespectful to be there in the first place, but also disrespectful to leave, so we just stood there sweating until it was all over.

Then afterward we were basically like, so we didn’t know, sorry for crashing your memorial.

And I know technically for TIFU it’s supposed to actually be your fault, and obviously I had absolutely no idea this was a memorial. They also definitely had multiple chances to tell me this was a private moment and that I probably shouldn’t be there, but no one did. That being said, I did willingly follow everyone outside to a butterfly release where I knew literally no one, so this entire situation only happened to me because I decided I needed to go see these butterflies get released. I feel like that has to count for something.

TL;DR: Thought I was going outside to watch some butterflies get released. I was very wrong.

to be fair this was actually yesterday but whatever.
I 17(F) was downstairs putting the shopping away as it had just got delivered, my stepdad was also there but he was making himself food, I got upset at something which was a minor inconvenience, this is important, my mum was also home at the time and she had said something which made my step dad say “ jeez something is up with you two, so dramatic” or something like that idk. So i thought it would be funny to say “calling her dramatic won’t get you head”, my mum laughed BUT for context he constantly makes sexual jokes about my mum, for example “I am a literal mother fucker” or “your mum thinks this face is a nice seat” i always go ew because thats my mum but i dont care that much but after I made the head joke he says “thats way too far” and “im still adult” i was so taken aback because i thought that it would be okay to say that. later on we talked and he said that it sounded like it was said out of anger and my mum said it made him feel beneath me. My mum also said this was about his past relationship (step siblings mother) which this is now the SECOND time he has taken his insecurities about his past relationship out on me.
I dont know if i went too far or if maybe i didn’t realise my tone was off but i thought it was obvious i was joking, it’s whatever cause its fine now.

TL;DR
made a head joke to my step dad, he got mad at me and now im scared to make my usual jokes but all is well.

Went on a second date with a girl I've been seeing and we decided to walk around downtown after dinner.

Halfway through she gets one of those iPhone warnings saying an unknown AirTag had been moving with her. She immediately got freaked out, understandably, and we spent like 20 minutes trying to figure out where it was.

She checked her purse, coat pockets, even took her shoes off on a bench because apparently we were both convinced some psychopath had slipped an AirTag onto her.

I was fully participating in the investigation too. Telling her we should probably go somewhere busy, maybe call the police if we couldn't find it, all that.

Eventually her phone lets her play a sound from the AirTag.

My backpack starts chirping.

Turns out months ago my brother gave me an AirTag because I kept forgetting my backpack places. I'd completely forgotten it was even in there.

The worst part was explaining this after I'd spent 20 minutes confidently telling her how creepy the mystery tracker situation was.

She just stared at me and went "so the creepy guy following me was you?"

She did laugh eventually. There is apparently going to be a third date, although she said she's checking me for tracking devices first.

TLDR: My date got warned that an unknown AirTag was following her. We panicked and searched for it together. It was mine.

Let me just say, if you currently eat any brand of pickles that isn't grillo's, and you switch to grillo's, lock them mfers up the first time because the amount of EUPHORIA you will get from eating them is genuinely harmful and will come with severe consequences.

I've always been a pickle person, I grew up on Mt. Olive and those vlasic mini kosher which does the job, nothing more to say about it. My roommate has been buying grillo's dill spears for a few months and eats them straight out of the jar at like 11pm with the fridge door open. I thought that was a little much. I just hadn't tried one yet because I didn't think pickles could really get that much better, and grillos looked odd and pale without yellow dye(can you tell I'm American) yes I know I'm stupid. I stand highly corrected that color ≠ quality

Two days ago I gave in and bought my own tub of spears. Ate the whole container standing over the sink, while my roommate watched from the couch just smiling like the green goblin.

They're good. Very crunchy. I felt great about it. Told my roommate these might be the best pickles I've ever had.

About two hours later my stomach started making fucking awful noises. An hour after that I was on the bathroom floor throwing up, and it was not a normal type of throw up, it was straight vinegar with pickle chunks still fully intact like I could put that shit back in the container. I was actually swallowing them like a snake apparently

Then the other end started erupting. I won't go into detail except to say it was spicy coming out too. I did not know that was a possibility. I do now.

I didn't really sleep. Just bathroom, bed, bathroom and by the next day I was so dehydrated I basically had a hangover, it felt like I had a brick in my head and couldn't stand up straight, light hurt my eyes. For 4 bucks on Amazon you can get all of the negative effects of alcohol!! And it's pickle flavor

TL;DR: ate a whole container of grillo's pickles in one sitting because they're really good, then threw up straight vinegar and spent the rest of the day and next morning on the toilet, dehydrated asf

This is KIND of an update to my previous post.

TL;DR for the first post: I planned a trip with friends where I'd go to New York for a week for an event, stay at their house and simply hang out, I paid for the 3 hour flight and packed for it, yet when trying to tell and convince my mother, she became hostile and denied it over and over and even said she might die if I left, since she isn't in good health and a scare like that might kill her. She then proceeded to tell my father, which they both sat me down and had a sort of intervention with me, and ended up telling me I'm not going, otherwise I wouldn't be able to come back to their house.

Overall I felt like updating cuz I'm really upset overall at how the situation turned out.

Firstly, not going on the trip! Yay.

I really really wanted to, and I tried convincing her until the very last moment, but I couldn't, instead, she forced me to cancel the flight.

I had predicted she would and I REALLY didn't want to, therefore I (not proud of this, but it's the only thing I could think to do after she was so hostile to the entire situation and was only kind to me under the premonition I wouldn't be going) I ended up faking a a screenshot of the canceled flight and popped it in front of her while she actively watched me use my pc.

Since she doesn't understand computers or English she asked for a screenshot so I sent it to her, and then she went to sleep.

On the following day, the 18th, at 4:00 am all hell broke loose. She had woken up at 1 and saw me cleaning, she thought it was unusual but just went back to bed anyway, but she couldn't shake her fears so at 4:00 she woke up, I noticed her so I quickly tried going back into my bed, I had just finished packing everything.

She saw me and noticed I was wearing different clothes, and that I was covered in a blanket that wasn't my usual one, that my room was way cleaner, and that my fan which I usually sleep with wasn't with me.

She immediately thought it was strange and question me about it, to which I said I didnt shower or anything just changed clothes (which was true, I'd showered earlier so now I had just changed clothes) but she didn't buy it.

She easily figured everything out, she asked if I was still planning on going on that trip, to which I said yes, and she immediately turned hostile, walking back and forth saying that she thought I canceled it, to which I in turn (not proud of it once again) lied again and said I bought it again. To which I was lectured about since I wouldve lost about 400 or so dollars.

I begged her and told her I understood why she was upset but that I couldn't figure out any other way to convince her and to please let me go and that it would be fine that I would take care of myself and protect myself, but she didn't listen, and instead took away my credit cards (which I had already left on the table when I was planning to leave (along with my rings and a bracelet) since I wanted to show her that I didn't want to use any of her money on something she wasn't supportive of, and that I was only going to spend my own money, that being around almost 1k in cashapp.

In turn she continued browsing through my stuff and found my wallet, took my social security, state ID, passport, debit card (since it was an extension under her account since we made the account when I was 17.) As well anything else that she could, as well as telling me she'd transfer all of the money in my debit card savings and everything (around 5k) back into her own account because I didnt deserve that money due to the fact that I'm a traitor and spoiled and didn't sweat for any of that money. Although around 2k or so of that is originally from my cashapp from commissions, etc. And she added 3k from my taxes, etc. And overall it was money I never planned to touch because it's for an unforseen future, like my academics, etc.

She then proceeded to call my father and tell him everything, she told him how disappointed she was and how I was a traitor and how I betrayed her in the deepest of ways and how it's the last thing she expected, and that I was stupid. She said that she lost all trust in me and her heart was broken. She ended up staying in the living room until 6:10 am when my father got home.

They then both started lecturing me, quilting me over my plan and shaming how I went about it, as well as calling me mentally disabled and asking if I had down syndrome and what was wrong with my head. My father told me that I couldn't even imagine what would happen if my mother woke up for work and didn't see me in bed, that they would both not work, and they'd get in the car and drive 16 hours or so to New York to get me back. And that I would've been kicked out, because I didn't respect the rules of their house.

Throughout the entire conversation I remained mostly silent, as most of what they said made complete sense and I was coming more and more with the fact that I had fucked up tremendously and that I ruined our relationship for absolutely nothing. In the end they said as long as I lived under their roof I'd do what they wanted. Such as doing all chores and keeping my room tidy, as well as getting a job (up to this point my mother had been against me getting a job due to the assumption that my FAFSA grant would be less) to pay for my school and for anything else I needed, because their doors were closed.

She compared this day to the day her father died, saying she'd remember it, the day that the person she loved most in this world betrayed her in the worst way possible.

That was yesterday, today I woke up and made my room, cleaned it, did the dishes, cooked for them only, didn't feel like cooking for myself since there wasnt enough for all of us and I didn't feel I deserved to eat after all I did to them, so after making them food I went back to my room and continued applying for jobs and trying to complete my school application, my mother had accused me of purposefully missing my semester because the start clashed with my trip, I told her I didn't but she didn't believe me, I honestly don't care.

I'm still trying to fix it, so I spent the rest of the day emailing my college, fixing my holds, etc. Hopefully I can resolve that situation, hopefully I also get a job, maybe if I can get one I could rent somewhere closer to my school (around 40 minutes away from my current house) and just live by myself, or maybe ask if one of my friends want to split rent, not sure.

Honestly I've not been able to stop crying everytime I think about the situation, they called me a monster without feelings, the enemy who lived with them, how I hurt them without caring, how they've given nothing but their love and support to me and I crushed it all.

I genuinely don't know how to proceed, everything feels empty, I'm going through the motions of a day but I don't feel anything anymore, multiple of my friends said I could stay with them, but I don't want to leave, I don't want to be a bother to them.

My parents have convinced me I'm a dirty pig that can't socialize with others, that I'd make a fool of myself with other people, and that I'm disgusting and nobody would be able to stand me and would in turn stop being friends with me, or let me in their house.

To end it all, I don't know what to do, I'll focus on getting a job and my studies, and maybe if I can save enough I can maybeee go rent an apartment or something, and maybe, just maybe. In the future I'll take a proper trip, without being under the supervision of anyone, and this time not lose 343 dollars due to cancelation along with any amicable relationship I could have with my parents.

TL;DR: I ended up following you guys', as well as all of my friends' advice, and going on the trip anyway. Ended up getting caught, stripped of all my rights and documents, and lost my parents' trust, help, and affection.

TL;DR I tried to be one with nature/save on TP by using leaves instead.

been wild camping for a week and a half, and we didn’t pack enough tissue. So to save on TP I have been using leaves to wipe (rather, gently guide the remaining drops onto the leaf away from my bush), and clean with water once a day to Lee up with hygiene.

It has been hot, so I’ve been relatively dehydrated.

the fuck up:

did you know that women’s urethras can be quite short? And this means we can relatively easily get infections, as bacteria doesn’t have to travel so far before the next “rinse”
And did you know (clearly I’ve forgotten everything I ever learned) that leaves are covered in bacteria?

So I’ve basically been rubbing my urethra onto random leaves, and then leaving the bacteria to just sit and hang out there for 8 hours every night and 12 hours per day for a week without a real shower. Which of fucking course gave me an infection.

I’m still out camping as I type this. Send prayers

I'm down to one hen and looking for a new home for her. In the meantime, I put her carrier next to my bed, with her nest in it. So her nest is nearby, she's familiar with it, and she's sleeping next to me and not by herself at night. During the day, I'm keeping her with me at all times because it's very detrimental for them to be alone.

They sleep on a roost, ie a bar/branch off the ground, and just poop through the night while they're digesting. But her breed is fairly comfortable on the ground, cuddling with each other, so she's okay sleeping on top of her carrier. But she still poops constantly all night. Now, they usually move around a little at night, but she must have slept hard, because all but one poop was clustered around one small area. So, of course, 80% of her night poops landed in the toe of one sandal. 10% on the other one.

I thought I had put them far enough away when I crawled into bed! She must have got settled at the very edge with her butt hanging over!

Thankfully, they aren't fabric shoes. They're the kind I can hose off and then scrub.

TL;Dr I left my house shoes too close to the live end of a bird and woke up with my shoes full of poop.

This happened earlier this week and I'm still cringing about it. I work in a mid-sized office where we use an internal messaging system that has a voice memo feature. I almost never use it because typing is faster, but I was walking between buildings with my hands full and decided to send a quick voice memo to my coworker Jake about a printer issue.

What I meant to say was something like, hey the printer on the third floor is jammed again, can you check it when you get a chance. But I was walking past construction and there was loud drilling, so I basically shouted into my phone while trying to be heard over the noise. The message came out garbled and frantic sounding.

Apparently what Jake heard through all the static and noise was help, third floor, jammed, and then some unintelligible yelling. He thought I was stuck in an elevator or hurt or something. He immediately alerted our floor manager, who then called building security. Within like ten minutes there were two security guards on the third floor looking for me, checking the elevators and stairwells.

I had no idea any of this was happening because I'd gone back to my desk and put my headphones on to focus on a report. It wasn't until my manager came over looking genuinely concerned and asked if I was okay that I realized something went very wrong. When they explained what happened I felt my soul leave my body. I had to apologize to security, to Jake, to my manager, and now every time I walk past Jake's desk he jokingly asks if I need emergency services.

The worst part is that the printer is still jammed and no one has fixed it because the whole situation became this weird office story that overshadowed the actual problem. I'm never using voice memos again.

TL;DR: Sent a garbled voice memo about a printer being jammed, coworker thought I was in danger, security got called, and now I'm the person who cried wolf over office equipment.

Today I flew from Los Angeles to Denver.

I had about 1 hour to pack up my old apartment, including all of my old weed paraphernalia (come on CA). We stuffed everything in three suitcases and headed to the airport, but I had meant to leave the weed box there with my friend. Somehow in the panic it ended up in a checked bag.

Get back to Denver. Start dumping out the suitcases and realize that everything made it through that whole entire journey intact. Unbroken. Unsmoken. And ounces of 420 are still in dop kits. No concealment. Not saran wrapped. Just the way the dispensary sells them and there were a lot of things in that weed box besides that

Edit: there were about 900 30mg addys in the box too. That's more of the reason why I was shocked than the four zones of magic candy

TL;DR they should have yanked me off the plane and thrown me in federal prison. I still can't believe it

I liked this person from work I see everyday, and I honestly thought they liked me too. So after weeks of overthinking and feeling "something", I asked them calmly, almost whispering, if they would like to go on a date some day maybe.

The person completely panicked, said no, all my colleagues​​ noticed and looked at my like I did something tremendously wrong, frowning brows and judging eyes. I wanted to die in that same spot.

Feel I came across as creepy, or violent even, and I absolutely have no idea why and I feel like absolutely trash. I honestly feel like a f*cking r*pist now.

I dread going to work tomorrow. The gossips, the cringe, the avoiding game...

I think I really fucked up badly.​ I have spent the whole day on my home trying to drown the cringe and the feelings, I am almost paralized with shame, have not eaten since

Im replaying every second in my mind, what I should have done, what I did wrong, maybe I was too spontaneous, maybe it is simply completely wrong to do this at work.

I don't really have anyone to talk about this at work, or outside to be honest

TL;DR: asked for a date at work and I fucked up

This actually happened yesterday afternoon, but I’m dealing with the fallout today.

​My main group of friends had already left for the day, and I still had some time to kill on campus. I saw a group of female classmates sitting together, and since I genuinely just wanted to socialize and expand my social circle, I decided to walk over, sit down, and join their conversation.

​I thought everything was going totally fine. We were chatting, I asked them a few casual questions (including how they did on our recent school grades/exams to keep the conversation going), and from my perspective, we were all having a pretty solid, friendly time. I left feeling like I’d made a good effort to connect with people outside my usual crowd.

​Fast forward to 5:48 AM this morning. My alarm hasn't even gone off yet, and I wake up to a direct message from one of the girls in that group.

​She essentially dropped a wall of text letting me know that my attempt to join them actually made her and her friends super uncomfortable. She specifically mentioned that asking about their grades was awkward, that me sitting near them felt intrusive, and that if I had any intentions of getting close to her or her group, she had zero interest. She finished it off by asking me to keep everything strictly about school from now on.

​I was hit with total emotional bomb (and that's being generous). I was acting in 100% good faith with zero weird or predatory intentions, so finding out that my presence was read as intrusive and creepy stung pretty badly. If I had caught even a single hint of discomfort yesterday, I would have apologized and walked away right then and there

​I didn't argue. I replied owning up to it, told her I had no bad intent, apologized for making her feel uncomfortable, and agreed to keep things strictly academic. Right after that, I archived our chat, noticed she unfollowed me on social media, unfollowed her back to match her energy, and now I'm just sitting here at 6 AM realizing I completely misread a room and turned a normal Tuesday into an awkward social nightmare.

​TL;DR: Tried to be friendly and join a group of female classmates when my main friends left campus, thought we had a fun time, woke up at 5:48 AM to a text letting me know I made everyone uncomfortable and to never try getting close to them again

I AM SO STUPID

This happened literally an hour ago and I'm currently sitting in my room in pure embarrassment Two years ago I moved in with a guy I barely knew. On the first day we were making a grocery list together and he asked me something as he opened the cabinets. I swear he asked me, "Are you cool with celery?" I hated celery when I was little for no reason at all, and I immediately replied with, "Oh no! I'm actually super allergic to it, even a little bit of it makes my throat itch!" He stopped and looked at me and said, "Wait, cilantro?" My brain short-circuited and I realized I misheard him completely. Instead of saying something like, "Oh my bad, I thought you said celery, no I'm super allergic to cilantro," I panicked and my social anxiety kicked in. I thought, "Oh no no no, he asked me about celery! Wait, but I thought he asked me about celery!" I thought I could just brush it off and change the subject but instead I panicked even more and said, "Yeah, cilantro! That's what I meant!" I thought, "Oh well, we're only living together for six months, it'll be fine." But then we renewed the lease. For two years this guy has been double checking every food label, buying special salsa, and adjusting how he cooks in our apartment so that he doesn't "kill" me. Meanwhile, I've been secretly eating street tacos in my car like a criminal and throwing away the bags in the outside dumpster in the parking lot and wiping my face clean before coming back inside. Today I thought I was home alone. I ordered some tacos and I was sitting in the kitchen, over the sink, and I was about to take a big bite out of a huge handful of raw cilantro I had my headphones on so I didn't realize he was already home when he walked in. I turned around and he was just standing there, staring silently at the big handful of cilantro in my hand. I couldn't think of a good enough lie to cover for the fact that I was eating tacos that I ordered for myself, in our kitchen, over the sink, with a big handful of cilantro in my hand, so I just sat down on the kitchen floor in front of him and told him the whole story. I told him about how I misheard him on the first day, how I panicked, and how I thought it was too late to tell him the truth after three months of living together. He just stared at me for about five seconds and I thought he was going to kick me out. Instead he started laughing at me and now he's making guacamole with a whole bunch of cilantro in the kitchen while roasting me on our group chat. I don't think I'll ever live this down.

TL;DR: Misheard my roommate on move-in day, accidentally lied about being severely allergic to cilantro, and got caught two years later eating a giant handful of it over the kitchen sink.

Title pretty much sums it up. i was on bendy. Someone dm’d me making crazy accusations calling me names. I called them an ass. Pretty much instantly… Permanently banned on my other account. For saying they were an A** for doing this. Okay then. Bro was definitely a Matt Merola operative but we’ll save that story for another day, Battled in the coments, had some wars. A word here A word there. I can completely defend it tho cuz like they were being rude as h*ll for literal nothingness. I reported each and every1 of these redditors’ in good faith! Because getting somebody band for the word of a donkey is just absolutely fucked. I have a swearing problem. Cannot contain myself sometimes and i’m sorry but like, A word? A permanent ban? Really? Seems a little harsh don’t it? What is this the DPRK?

TL:DR: Was on bendy and called someone the a word and my reddit account was permanently banned forever.

I'm a cleaner doing a deep clean in a school. I thought I was alone at work when everyone left, and the building was empty, so I was singing along to whatever songs on at the time to keep my mind entertained. Now I don't just mean quiet singing when nobody's there, like completely belting (badly, might I add) out songs from panic at the disco or cover artists I listen to, disney, anime, vocaloid, all the nerdy stuff I listen to when nobody else is around.

So I left the bathroom and a car and van were leaving the parking lot.

I'm gonna move to Mars. I do not think it is humanly possible for me to live this down.

My manager is meant to be in tomorrow, so I'll see it anything gets brought up about it then and apologise sincerely if it does.

TL;DR: I think I was caught singing at work, now I'm very embarrassed.

I feel so embarrassed about this. I'm a South Asian woman living in the Pacific Islands. I moved here for work and I've been experiencing sexual harassment and racism in very new ways here. I don't want to generalise my experiences because I've met a lot of nice and friendly people here.

It's nothing too severe. However, I think the frequency and (sometimes) the intensity of these instances has left a few deep cuts. A lot of the more malicious racism I have experienced here has come from European expats living here. A lot of foreigners often build a social network within these small expat circles here. Most of them have been very nice and accepting. However, my experiences with a few hostile people have really affected my self worth and mental well-being. I've been regularly called "exotic", racialised and casually sexualised by a few older men. At a formal dinner, the host (a white man) kept telling me that it would have been nicer if I had worn a sari. He asked me to sit next to him and declared to the whole dining table that, "what greater honour could someone from my country hope for"! He kept telling me that, if I played my cards right, he would let me have a jar of honey. When I tried leaving, he insisted on accompanying me. While waiting for my cab, he kept asking me how it felt to have a white man wait with me.

I've also come to realise that people aren't very fond of Fijian Indians here. And men, often taxi drivers, have yelled at me when I couldn't pay them exorbitant amounts like the Australians or New Zealanders do. A lot of my acquaintances have tried to explain away these instances by saying that those drivers treated me poorly because they mistook me for a Fijian Indian. Men at work have made sexualised comments about my body and sometimes taken pictures and videos of me without my consent. The frequency of these incidents has gone down recently and I'm feeling a bit safer at work. But I can't help but notice the difference in their treatment towards me vs my white female colleagues who get to work on better, more significant projects, while I'm often asked to do menial jobs and busy work.

Anyway, I mentioned some of my concerns to my employers who organised a meeting with me and a few other colleagues to discuss how they could support us better. I felt my hands shaking as soon as I joined this call. My voice trembled throughout and I took breaks to cry. I don't know why that happened because some of these instances are a few months old. I feel so embarrassed. I feel like I messed up my chance to be seen as a professional by my colleagues, yet again. My colleagues texted me after the call, saying that they felt sorry for me and they are willing to talk to me about these issues. Idk, I feel so pathetic. I guess, I should have requested a 1-on-1 call, instead of a group call. I feel so stupid. I'm the kind of person who cries about everything and it seems it's not a trait that's going to get better with age. I feel horrible for not being able to control my emotions.

Tldr: cried in a work meeting while recounting (perhaps not too serious) instances of racial and sexual harassment. Worried I'll be seen as a cry baby by my coworkers.

I live in a nice neighborhood where a bunch of us are friendly with each other. One of my neighbors, Mike, has a pool, and today he invited me and a few other neighbors over for a little pool day. Music, beer, wine, pool floats. Everything you need for a nice suburban pool day.

At one point, another neighbor was walking her dog past Mike’s house. His pool is mostly behind the house, but you can see part of it from the street, so we waved and yelled hello. She waved back, and we invited her to come join us. She said sure, came through the gate, and pretty soon someone had handed her a glass of wine.

About ten minutes later she realized her husband Dave might be worried that she was taking so long to return, as her dog walk was becoming an extended expedition.

She said, “Hey, Meatfrappe, I don’t have my phone. Can you just text Dave real quick and tell him I stopped at Mike’s for a glass of wine?”

“Sure.”

So I pulled out my phone and texted Dave:

“Hey FYI your wife is over at Mike’s house having some wine.”

Then I put my phone down, jumped into the pool, climbed onto a floatie chair, and spent the next hour drinking beers and enjoying my afternoon. Eventually I got out and picked up my phone to check the time. I had about a dozen messages from Dave.

Except… to my horror...

Not the correct Dave.

I had texted a completely different Dave in my contacts with a very similar last name. Think “Dave Smith” versus “Dave Smithers.”

And unfortunately, Wrong Dave apparently knew several people named Mike.

Even more unfortunately, his wife was also out of the house running errands at that exact moment.

And even more unfortunately than that, Wrong Dave apparently already had some concerns about how friendly his wife might be with one particular Mike.

So while I had been peacefully floating around drinking beer, this man had been experiencing the worst hour of his marriage.

Wrong Dave's texts went something like:

“WTF? She said she was going to Walmart and the library.”

“How do you know? Thanks though.”

A few minutes later:

“I called her and she didn’t pick up.”

Then:

“She called me back and is claiming she’s at Walmart. Can you see her with Mike? Can you take a picture and send it to me?”

Then:

“I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.”

Then:

“Dude what the fuck?”

And, just to complete the experience, I had also received a text from Wrong Dave’s Wife:

“Why the fuck are you making up shit about me?!”

I stared at the screen for a few seconds as my soul left my body.

Then I immediately texted both of them:

“My bad. I texted the wrong Dave by mistake. Meant to text Dave Smithers. Sorry for the confusion.”

At that point I decided the most responsible course of action was to grab two beers, get back in the pool, and try to avoid the universe for a while.

When I finally checked again later, there was about a 45-minute gap in the conversation Then one final message from Wrong Dave:

“You have no idea how much shit you have caused.”

For what it’s worth, Correct Dave apparently never even noticed that his wife’s dog walk had taken longer than usual.

TL;DR: Neighbor asked me to text her husband that she had stopped at Mike’s house for a glass of wine. I texted the wrong husband, who apparently already suspected his own wife of something involving a different Mike. Accidentally may have detonated somebody else’s marriage while I floated around in a pool drinking beer.

This happened towards the end of the school year.

A little context: There’s this guy at my school who has been bullying me forever. He’d trip me up in the hallways, try to steal the food I bought with my own money, just classic toxic behavior. But one day, I completely snapped. He walked up, casually tore an entire page out of my textbook, and smirked: "Oh ops, guess you’ll just have to buy a new one."

I stood up, seeing absolute red. Now, I’m not a fighter. I knew if I went in with my fists, I’d get beaten up three times harder. So I didn't think of anything better than to grab a heavy wooden stool and throw it straight at him.

It missed, but it triggered a total meltdown.

He panicked and started grabbing classroom potted plants off the windowsill, chucking them at me one by one. I dodged the dirt and pots, so he ran out of flowers and started pelting me with pieces of chalk like a machine gun. I was just ducking behind desks.

When he completely ran out of ammo, he was breathing heavily, went full psycho mode, and yelled: "Alright, you're dead!" He grabbed the wooden locker cabinet and literally ripped the door right off its hinges with a loud crunch.

Right at that exact second, our homeroom teacher walked in.

Total silence. Dust and dirt everywhere, smashed flower pots on the floor, chalk powder in the air, me holding a stool, and him standing there with a cabinet door in his hands. We just stared at her. She stared at the chaos, looked at us, and calmly said: "Follow me."

Long story short: we were dragged to the principal. I tried to explain that he provoked me and I only threw one stool in self-defense, but the principal just hit me with: "Well, you escalated it, didn't you?"

In the end, my parents were called, I spent the rest of the afternoon sweeping up dirt and plant roots in the classroom, while the bully was forced to spend hours trying to reattach the locker door with superglue.

TL;DR: Got tired of a bully tearing my textbook, threw a stool at him. He retaliated by throwing potted plants and chalk at me, then ripped a locker door off. We both got caught, I had to clean up the dirt, and he had to superglue a whole door back on.

Me and my partner have 2 elderly cats and a robot vacuum. We both work from home and we do like our space as clean as possible, so, our robot vacuum is scheduled to do 3 cleaning rounds a day. One in the early morning, on in the noon, one at night. We do take good care of our robot vacuum, clean it very often etc but those cleaning rounds are mostly done while we are busy and in our offices. That is the first fuck-up.

One of our cats apparently failed to reach the litterbox and had an accident today. A gigantic, juicy cat poop, right outside the litterbox… I had an early work meeting. I woke up and started working immediately, so, i didn’t see the accident nor realized the incoming catastrophy… That was the second fuck-up.

After i was done with work, I went to the kitchen to make some coffee. Robot vacuum was doing its scheduled morning cleaning. It was finished with the litter box area, which is on one end of the hall, and was just finishing up the rest of the hall. Right when i went past it, the smell hit me. The sharp smell of… poop.

I tried telling myself maybe the cats just recently pooped and forgot to cover up but oh no… The smell was pungent, it was everywhere. I picked the robot vacuum up, turned it upside down, and…

Poop.

Everywhere.

Every single nook and crannie was filled with poop. The mop, the screw holes, brushes, the wheels, everywhere…

Then i went to the hall to check the damage.

All of our hardwood floors, covered in poop stains.

I don’t know how i managed to not cry. I’ve been trying to clean with any and all the supplies i have at home. Robot still has poop in many holes. Floors look clean but who knows. I dont know how to disinfect the robot or the floors completely. I dont know if we should throw the vacuum away and move out.

Take this as a warning guys, if you have older pets who are prone to accidents… Dont let your robot vacuum to do unsupervised cleanings. Just… be careful.

Poop gets everywhere.

TL;DR: I let my robot vacuum do unsupervised cleanings in a household with 2 old cats. Cat pooped outside the litterbox, robot picked it up, poop is everywhere.

A couple years back, a dog that I (m37) had raised and lived with for fifteen years passed away. She had a good and long life, I’d had her since she was two, but it was still a really hard time. I’m gay which would normally not be relevant to my pets or my grief but is relevant to this story so saying it now.

Anyway, Layla (my dog) had been a whippet and beagle mix and maybe a week after she died I was out in a public park and I saw a young woman walking a whippet, who looked similar to Layla but skinnier and taller. Without thinking I said (to the dog), “Hello there beautiful” at which point the woman walking the dog started walking away, a very reasonable response to a complete stranger with blue hair saying this.

But this is where I fucked up, because I tried to explain myself in a moment of panic, as catcalling is a thing a lot of my friends who are women have told me is really unpleasant to experience and I didn’t want to make someone uncomfortable in public in that way. So in my panic I tried to say “I would never catcall” and “I meant your dog was beautiful” at the same time. And what came out was “Oh, I would never call you beautiful.” At which point this young woman walked away more quickly and I realized I just had to let this one go.

I’ve seen this woman around the neighborhood since and have not approached her, for obvious reasons. I think I’m just gonna have to live with this person thinking I’m a creepy straight dude who’s also kind of a dick.

TL;DR: When I saw a dog who looked similar to the dog I had, had who just passed away, I tried talking to said dog and instead was super creepy to the poor woman just trying to walk her pet.