u/RibaldPancake

▲ 229 r/Jokes

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction: A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage!

I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

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u/RibaldPancake — 1 day ago
▲ 97 r/Jokes

I congratulated my friend on his recent purchase of a parcel of land to build his house on.

He said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”

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u/RibaldPancake — 2 days ago
▲ 1.7k r/Jokes

Sally’s husband had been away on a secret three-year military deployment and was finally coming home today.

Their son saw him heading up the sidewalk and cried out “Mom - daddy’s walking to the door and he has a Purple Heart on!” Sally said, “I don’t care what color it is. Run over to the neighbor’s and stay there for a few hours!”

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u/RibaldPancake — 3 days ago
▲ 7 r/Jokes

When our dog moved on to doggy heaven, we replaced her with a robotic dog

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It's a bit loud, but at least there are no more feedings, trips to the vet, or poop walks in the rain and snow!

The only problem is that some of the neighbors are afraid of robo mutt: They don't seem to understand that its bark is worse than its byte.

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u/RibaldPancake — 5 days ago
▲ 646 r/Jokes

After getting his quarterly grooming, the donkey asked if he could keep the cut fur and hoof trimmings.

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The farmer was surprised, but said "Sure."

The donkey took the fur and trimmings and crafred a tiny donkey doll out of them. Seeing this, the farmer burst out laughing and the embarrassed and humiliated donkey ran home crying.

When he got back to the stable, his wife asked him what was wrong. Sobbing, the donkey said, "The farmer was laughing at me: I made an ass of myself in front of him!"

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u/RibaldPancake — 6 days ago
▲ 72 r/Jokes

I was excited when my fortune teller told me that I'd soon learn the secret of having a hot, smoking body.

I was not amused when I got a pop-up ad from a crematorium later that day.

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u/RibaldPancake — 7 days ago
▲ 793 r/Jokes

When I told a biologist friend that I was doing experiments to turn a seal into a sea lion, she was horrified.

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For almost half an hour she lectured me about animal cruelty and scientific ethics.

I thought she was overreacting and that the seal would be fine with an extra electron.

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u/RibaldPancake — 9 days ago
▲ 14 r/Jokes

Before they learned to reproduce by splitting, bacteria used sexual reproduction.

Unfortunately, their family reunions turned out to be near-extinction events: Too many auntie bacteria there.

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u/RibaldPancake — 10 days ago
▲ 0 r/Jokes

I used to think that the whole “hot singles in your area” thing was a scam.

I still do, but I also used to too.

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u/RibaldPancake — 11 days ago
▲ 195 r/Jokes

After a looooong dry spell, I finally got lucky yesterday.

When my date complimented me on having a suntanned penis, I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was actually rust.

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u/RibaldPancake — 12 days ago
▲ 182 r/Jokes

My nutritionist encouraged me to eat three square meals a day.

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I don't get it. If I was already too fat with just breakfast, lunch, and dinner I don't see how having six more every day will help!

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u/RibaldPancake — 14 days ago