u/mickeyruts

I like quirky women. Unconventional. Weird fashion and such. I'm talking to this girl at a noisy bar, I thought it was going great until she said she's really into trans, which is fine, but I'm a fucking cis male, so I figured, well, you know, I'm not her preference. I'm a small man, 5'6" and 150 lbs, mixed Asian, so, I'm like, almost a girl myself, non-threatening, seemingly gay to some people, so I get it, she might want a friend. I'm nice and fun and safe to talk to, but I sometimes mistake friendly for flirting, so I shift more into a friendship-style conversation. But I screwed up! I realize I misheard her. She said "trains" and she's AuADHD and her "special interest" is TRAINS...... So I'm like, okay! It's back on! ....I still wish I didn't have to go after the black guys, though. Why I outta.... But wasn't that fun? We took a trip there, didn't we? Like, where we goin'? Where am I going with the joke? Misogyny, mocking neuro-spicy, homophobia/transphobia? Slut-shaming? No, it was old-fashioned racism. "I didn't want to go after the black guys." No, it's not that. They fuck better. I have a small penis. They gave a lot, I gave a little. It was like splitting a big check at a restaurant and I was just the tip. By the time it was my turn, I could tell she wasn't into it. She didn't even wake up once. Oh, God... That is not okay. So, uh, I'm on the dating apps....

I told her that because I invited her, it was my treat. She asked if she could order anything she wanted. I said sure. So she ordered take out and left. Why I ought to....

The likes I get on dating apps are all from African women. Like not Black women, not "African-American". I mean women from Kenya or Nigeria. I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia, it's a fairly short drive to North Philly. If I wanted to date a black girl you know I probably could. I won't. No I mean... Actually, look at me I probably couldn't. Anyway, look, all I'm saying is if there's an algorithm keeping track of swiping left and swiping right, I have pretty racist reaction time. I play a lot of videos games where you play as a cop. But it's not like I'm racist racist. It's like "Shane Gillis is from the same state as I am" racist. It's like playfully racist. It's like it's Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and not PhiladelphiER, PennsylvaniER.

My wife left me for another man and moved in with him. I couldn't believe it! I still get her mail sometimes, and it breaks my heart to think I've got to walk four houses over to give it to her.

If you're a man of a certain age and you need to get your prostate exam never ask your doctor to double check. He'll put in two fingers.

....but I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos of Europeans in America reacting to the stuff we have here. They're like THIS PLACE IS GREAT!!! THE FOOD IS AMAZING AND EVERYTHING IS SO CHEAP!!!! THE PEOPLE ARE SO FRIENDLY!!! At first, I was like, "ok, good. I'm glad you enjoyed your visit." Then, I thought, "shit, what happened the last time a bunch of Europeans came to America and thought it was an awesome place?" Yeah, they're fucking coming back, dude. They're gonna come back with powdered wigs and flags and muskets and shit. They've done it before. Like, I've played RISK.