u/rolltide123321

You guys remember the UnitedHealthcare CEO getting shot and killed 2 years ago walking to work?

Can you imagine being the next guy in line to take over? You go into the board room the next day and you’re given the biggest promotion you could’ve ever imagined receiving in your career, but you can’t even be excited because your old boss was killed the day before.

You immediately start to get paranoid. Your first order of business- no more walking into the office. Executive team is now fully remote. You then use the bulk of your salary increase to build an underground safe room at your house. You begin to develop stomach ulcers from all the stress. Unfortunately, you’re then told your health insurance provider won’t cover it, so you go kill the CEO.

Vigilante suicide.

My husband is a lawyer. I called him around 8pm last night to check in. He said he’s elbow deep in a briefing and will be a few more hours.

Weird, all these years I thought his secretary’s name was Jill.

I’ve been considering starting CrossFit. The workouts seem tough, but the prospect of telling everyone I’m doing it seems downright exhausting. Granted, I was vegan for a few years, so I think I’ll hit my quota.

Traveled back in time to the late 1700s to experience the early days our our country and remove myself from technology. Ended up taking a woman out to dinner. My food was great, but she had to send her’s back because it was cold. Granted, that’s because she spent an hour drawing it in her sketchbook to share with her friends later. Some things never change.

Did you guys know that Cutco is still doing the door-to-door knife selling thing? Who is actually still buying knives from theses guys? It’s the last remaining door-to-door salesmen experience in existence.

I can only imagine these guys are Jehovah’s Witness by day and knife salesman by night. Already have the sales skills, know all the residential neighborhoods, and have no fear of rejection. Maybe if they sell enough knives they buy a bicycle and covert to Mormonism?

I remember when I was younger I was so sheltered I didn’t know drug dealers existed. It was the late 90s and I told my buddy I wish I had cancer so I could smoke weed like those chemo patients. He said you can just buy it from my uncle. I said, damn I didn’t know Uncle Joey had cancer.

I’m 37 and in an age gap relationship. 20 year gap.

Prom is going to be awkward

Spin off from a kill Tony interview a few months back. Thought about also working in “wrong type of senior” in there but couldn’t figure out where without ruining the punch. Seemed weird to put it afterwards

I’m not saying my uncle is racist, but every time he buys Neapolitan ice cream he opens it up to check and make sure strawberry is in the middle.

Ice cream segregation

They’re saying Zone 2 cardio is the best way to burn fat, so I’ve started jogging while I jerk off.

My neighbors said I should really invest in a treadmill.

My wife recently gave birth at a hospital that had been bought out by Amazon.

Delivery was free, but she wasn’t happy it took 2 days.

I just moved out of the hood because all my neighbors were blasting loud music. Saved up and moved into a new construction community. Didn’t account for the ongoing homebuilding.

Then in Mexican accent below: (listed a few options but don’t love any of them)

-went from Wu-Tang Clan to Wu-Tang Juan.

-went from 50 Cent to 50 centavos

- went from Kendrick Lamar to Kendrick Gonzalez (meh)

Everybody is worried about Chinese child labor, but has anyone ever considered those little bastards may want to work?

Cigarettes aren’t cheap

He was a gay autistic, so he often imagined the autism spectrum as a rainbow. Instead of a leprechaun with a pot of gold at the end, it was a sassy Rainman with legos.

I grew up in the Alabama public school system so my only sex education came from watching Talk Sex with Sue. Cable tv in the early 2000s was a weird time, man. I can’t tell you a thing about safe sex but I’m an expert on ball gags and cock rings.

I spent the majority of my youth masturbating to Lola bunny. Still get bricked up every Easter. He is risen indeed! Yeah I should probably see a therapist. At least it wasn’t Bugs. Am I right?

If my elbows were involved with masturbating, they would never be dry and ashy. I’ve been putting lotion on my penis since I was 12 years old-that thing’s perfectly smooth; the best piece of skin on my body. Maybe I should lather those bad boys up in some Aveeno and just jerk off like penguins with those weird little feather arms (does the penguin jerkoff motion in super slow motion and stares creepy at audience without blinking- sensually whispers “Jaromir Jagr” when he finishes). No ashy elbows, an ab workout and a frustratingly long climax. Three birds with one stone. 3 penguins if you will.