I'm at the age now where i am getting very absent minded.the alarm goes off in the morning,i sit on the edge of the bed and slowly put my shoes and socks on before my trousers.
I shuffle to the bathroom and have a good long look in the mirror.then my brain engages and i remember i'm not in work at the moment.
I shuffle back to the bedroom,take off my wife's shoes and socks and crawl back into bed.
After a long time trying to persuade me to cut down on my drinking,my wife tried one last gambit.She tried to appeal to my lazy side.
She explained to me,'do you realise you spend 40% of your wages on alcohol..if you gave up,not only would you feel much better,you could go to that job you hate so much 3 days a week instead of 5 and still earn the same money.
That was a lightbulb moment for me...
I now work 2 days a week,so i just have enough money for beer!
My wife said i had adhd,ocd and ptsd.
I'm sick of her cheating at scrabble.
My wife has just spent 3 hours trying to explain the phrase,'Mansplaining' to me.
In the end she just gave up and went to bed.
I just had a very successful interview at a naturist colony.
I just stood in front of the panel and imagined them all fully clothed.
After a good while of trying i got my 1st comment from posting.
Thank you,'Autodata:Repair Smarter'.
Ive had some rough plastic surgery over the yrs,my eyelids are permanently hung up,my cheeks are borderline frozen making it difficult to express myself.
My pals now call me Madonna.
A guy turned up unexpectedly at my local retail store selling jack in the boxes.
Must have been a pop up event.
After years of being down on luck,i was determined this year to celebrate a landmark birthday.I didnt think it possible then a friend advised me to set up a go fund me page.
Instant hit!
The money poured in,a cruise,i was picking up tabs all over.
Then i started getting objections,people demanding money back.It was so stressfull i had to shut it down.
On reflection all i can say is i loved the experience and cant change a thing.
And finally,god bless you Dick Van Dyke.
I went to a horror movie themed lap dancing club and a young lady dressed as Countess Dracula approached my table.
I was rigid with fear.
I'm sick of christmas,same routine every year.
After dinner i'm sent to the attic for board games for the family,talk about a trivial pursuit.
Confusion last month at the Trump-Xi summit.
It has been revealed that Donald arrived at the chinese chip negotiation bearing dips.
My brother's extreme OCD is a daily struggle and i support him all the way with it.
Looking on the bright side,i may well be the owner of the cleanest Toyota in the western world.
My wife insists on everything in the house being from the 1970's.
She wears the bell bottom trousers in our relationship.
Just to be clear,we have decided to take legal action regarding these star wars puns.
Regards,M.Pire.
My friend turned his split personality into his superpower and changed his name to 'Lex Luthor Vandross'.
Now he's not only a very good soul singer,but also the greatest criminal mind of our time.
I had tickets to see the Glen Miller tribute orchestra at Carnegie hall.
Didn't go in the end,i just wasn't in the mood.
Just finished the daily dog walk,a couple of poops and many pees..not much from the dog though.
I have to say i was relieved to get to the end of dry january.
I was getting sick of sherry.
Got to hand it to Nicola,with all that's happened she still found it within herself to return a favour and send Peter a gift in prison.knowing his love for exploring the prairees in a motorhome,tonight he receives a small lassoo.