r/TwoSentenceComedy

But, in reality, it's just my way of subtly calling her a nosey bitch.

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She was already at my place with towels, snacks, and a list of notes on how I could have done it faster.

The defendant was four years old and maintained, under oath, that she did not eat the crayon.

I should’ve known something was wrong when the listing said Werehouse!

It says, "One day, we'll be splitting the rent, because it's way too expensive in this city to live alone."

Needless to say, as an amateur photographer, I was quite pleased.

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​It read: "To my loving family, I leave absolutely nothing, except for the outstanding tabs at the following 14 bars."

I don't know whether this means I can never afford a house or I can retire early.

'Well, the funny thing is...' the prehistoric surgeon replied, pulling out more of his trepanning equipment.

He needs millions of people to combine their efforts in order to be forgiven over the seventh commandment.

Will eventually come in handy

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I replied, "No wonder I get a sudden surge of pure joy the second you dismiss class," and he literally spent the rest of the hour staring at me in absolute silence.

When are they going to let me out of this coffin?

A woman ' s husband died and she had him cremated. She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said, "Sweetheart, this is my last blow for you."

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"Easy," I replied, "it’s the same way my completely dysfunctional parents raised a genius like me."

Everyone agreed that he was a good king, but a terrible ruler.

People laughed upon seeing Terry Crews playing Moana, with Samuel L Jackson as Maui who declared on screen: “ It’s time to put that motherf**king heart into that motherf**ker Te Fiti**.”**

Hand-Ta-Mouth Virus, because that's how they're living.

>!The priest looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone else object to this marriage?"!<

I’m pretty sure it’s a great deal because if I die in a fire I get a 50% refund!