r/TwoSentenceComedy

Nobody loved her.

"Then why didn’t you tell me a stripper was hiding inside?!"

Not gonna do that again, I feel really insecure about my size cause of it.

I just love a bedpan delivery!

"Dad, you confused Whatsapp with Google again!"

So I reached into my pocket and gave her back her wallet and the box of mints I found on her table.

So I bought every house on her street and filled them with actors who text me updates on what she's doing, it's been really great.

I call it Kicky's Delivery Service!

𝓲 𝓭𝓲𝓭𝓷'𝓽 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓹𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓼 𝓸𝓷...

So I said, "Buenos dias, Milk. Yo me llamo Uncle Dave."

And with those last words, the car designer ended up live-streaming his own death, much to the horror of his family, his trophy wife, and the delight of meme posters desperate for new material.

Her father laughed; "Well, me neither!"

Do you have any idea how many people die in hospitals every year?

"No, it isn't"

A Raven that saw me fall down my steps last autumn showed up in my yard this morning with a friend. I think they were hoping I'd fall again.

"No, darling, I wasn't going to eat them - I already sucked the chocolate off."

She's got a North and South Pole.

I opened my phone at 2 AM just to check one notification. Three hours later, I was still scrolling and somehow watching a video about how people make pencils.

They were really worried about cross contamination

Doctors still can't figure out where it's coming from.