u/Fullmoon-1432

A Raven that saw me fall down my steps last autumn showed up in my yard this morning with a friend. I think they were hoping I'd fall again.

My friend and I were barbecuing last night when a bear walked up and said " I don't want no lip from you humans, hand over the ribs and I'll leave. "

My friend took off running, but I handed over the ribs because I wasn't losing my life and my barbecue.

Every morning, my roommate complains about being exhausted, so we set up a camera to record his sleep.

He didn't move all night, except at 3:14 a.m., when he sat up and stared directly into the camera with his eyes closed for two hours.

My friend said his girlfriend told him to see a dentist about his breath.

She said she'd rather kiss a cactus than kiss him again.

The alley cats and rats agreed to a peace treaty last night.

By midnight, the cats had outsourced the problem to the Russell Terriers.

I woke up this morning to get ready for work. After checking my last paycheck stub, Alexa+ said, " You know, sleeping is free."

After a brutal losing streak, I finally beat my pillow and woke up at 5 a.m. to workout. My pillow has already requested a rematch.

Every night I lock my bedroom door before going to bed. This morning it was locked from the outside, and whoever tied me to the bed had also cleaned my entire apartment.

A zombie kept pounding on my door, so I pretended not to be home like I do with every unwanted visitor. It paused then said, " Sir, if you do not open this door, we will be forced to escalate. "

I asked my dog what's happening, like I always do when I come home from work. He looked me dead in my eyes and said, " She left... And I told her everything. "

I told my dog to stop barking at the door before the neighbors call the police. When they arrived, he sat down, looked at them and barked once when they asked if I was the problem.

There was a vulture on the interstate shoulder calmly watching traffic. When it nodded at me, I got the feeling I'd just been added to a list.