u/Fullmoon-1432

After a brutal losing streak, I finally beat my pillow and woke up at 5 a.m. to workout. My pillow has already requested a rematch.

Every night I lock my bedroom door before going to bed. This morning it was locked from the outside, and whoever tied me to the bed had also cleaned my entire apartment.

A zombie kept pounding on my door, so I pretended not to be home like I do with every unwanted visitor. It paused then said, " Sir, if you do not open this door, we will be forced to escalate. "

I asked my dog what's happening, like I always do when I come home from work. He looked me dead in my eyes and said, " She left... And I told her everything. "

I told my dog to stop barking at the door before the neighbors call the police. When they arrived, he sat down, looked at them and barked once when they asked if I was the problem.

There was a vulture on the interstate shoulder calmly watching traffic. When it nodded at me, I got the feeling I'd just been added to a list.