u/LakePossible873

My boyfriend really struggles with comforting me emotionally.

It’s not that he doesn’t care, I genuinely think he wants to help. The problem is that he doesn’t really know how to respond when I’m upset. Most of the time, he just repeats advice I’ve given him before, even when it doesn’t fit the situation. I know he means well, but instead of feeling supported, I end up feeling even more alone.

What makes it harder is that I’m usually the one comforting him. He tells me a lot that I help him feel better and that my advice means a lot to him, which makes me happy. But when the roles are reversed, I don’t feel emotionally supported in the same way.

For example today I made a mistake at work and I felt super frustrated and guilty. I told him and he asked if I was stressed. I said yes. He said “then just let yourself feel all that stress”. And like, okay. Fair enough I guess, but he only said that because I’ve been repeating to him that he should let himself feel his own emotions. It feels pre calculated and not genuine. And even dumb.

I think part of it is emotional immaturity (not saying i am!) or maybe just not knowing how to communicate comfort well, so I try to be understanding. Still, it hurts feeling like the person I rely on emotionally doesn’t know how to be there for me.

What to do when the emotional support he gives me feels like not enough?

I (22F) have been feeling emotionally drained in my relationship with my boyfriend (24M), and I’d really like advice on how to handle it in a healthy way.

Since the beginning of the relationship, I’ve felt like I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices with my time and energy. We see each other around twice a week, and sometimes after work I honestly just want to rest and be alone. Sometimes I wish I could have an entire Sunday to myself. But I struggle to say that because I know it would hurt his feelings.

He has a more anxious attachment style, while I lean avoidant. When he’s sad, overwhelmed, or overthinking, he usually wants closeness and emotional reassurance, and I try really hard to give him support. He says I’m emotionally mature because I help calm him down or give advice that works for me personally.

The problem is that when I’m stressed or exhausted, I need space instead of closeness. He notices when I’m tired and even acknowledges it sometimes like “sorry it was inconsiderate on my part”, but he stills goes ahead and wants to spend the time together. I end up feeling like my emotional needs are understood by him, but not really cared for. Basically ignored.

I’ve started feeling frustrated and lonely emotionally in the relationship. I’m usually the one giving reassurance, advice, or emotional support, but I don’t really feel supported in the same way, because he’s not good at it. Sometimes I feel like I still carry my burdens alone because talking about them doesn’t actually make me feel lighter or cared for. I feel like I cannot lean on him to make me feel safe.

At the same time, I know he probably feels like he’s asking for normal relationship closeness and wishes I could meet him there more naturally. So it just feels like we keep missing each other emotionally.

How do you handle a relationship where one person needs closeness for comfort and the other needs space? And how do you communicate those needs without making the other person feel unloved?