How to deal with unwanted desire
Its really difficult for me to share this, so I will not entertain any mockery; there is a time and place.
I (30+ m) felt zero attraction for women growing up. I spent my teens, struggling with suicidal thoughts and trying to figure out how to 'turn myself straight'. It made no difference whatsoever, besides unking me deeper and deeper into depression.
Let me delve into some detail about my s€}{u@£!+¥: I grew up among women and feel no sexual attraction to them. I am also not attracted to ALL men.
In my twenties I kept hoping ao would one day miraculously attracted to women but it never happened. By the end most of my friends got married and I felt responsible to come out to a female friend who I felt was interested in me; so she wouldnt waste her time on me.
I am both religious and considerably traditional so I have wanted nothing else more than to be attracted to women, get married and raise a family, but I couldnt get married to a woman and take away her right to a husband who was physically attracted to her. I feel like no matter how much you hide it; at the and of the day she would feel lonely and unloved. Im also scared that I would be tempted to cheat on her since no matter how much I suppress my attraction towards men; it ultimately builds up and I believe one should channel ones desire in the most healthy way possible before it takes control of you and you end up doing something unbecoming of you.
All of my life I prayed and wished that I be attracted to women instead of men,but no such luck. Finally, when I gave up the hope, I came out to a group of friends. One of my friends was extremely open and accepting; he was always there to listen to whatever was going through and empathised with my situation. His family opened their doors to me and became the familly I couldnt have. Over time I noticed a change in my desire.
Gay porn stopped being arousing, and I found myself going through some psychological changes ultimately leading to a w dream about a woman. I was ecstatic! Was I finally straight? Alas, it did not last long and I soon found myself slipping back into my old patterns of desire. But this episode had unlocked something; I no longer though of myself as gay; I realised that there was some possibility of feeling attraction towards women; and even though it would be quite a stretch to describe myself as straight, I could definitely qualify as a bisexual.
However desire for women is fleeting. It builds up only if I am celibate for many months; and mostly last intil the next (organisatiom). What woman would be satisfied with intimacy once a year?
I believe women start to nag when they are unfulfilled. If I dont give her what she needs, she will bulldoze my ego all day every day.
As much as I want kids and a family life, the fear of betraying a woman and being stuck in an unhappy marriage is too strong, especially given the circumstances
To be honest, Im happy to be single for the most part. Except that on some lebels I do feel lonely; and that, like allen, I have desire that builds up over time. Because intimacy men is forbidden; and because I am not interested in pemetrative sme in the first place, I avoid doing anything that I dont believe in. But when the urge gets too strong, I will go get a massage.
This is not a lifestyle I am proud of; and its not functional. My life, my finances are comstantly out of whack because of this.
So far, getting a massage every few months has helped kerp things in check. Its not ideal but I dont want to turn into certain people who turn a blind eye to their desire and one day do something horrible. I want to channel my desire in the most healthy way possible; its the best I can do.
Im interested in advice from married men and women. Ir any queer/bi men out there who might have made it work.
Once again. This is about a man trying to do his best and to abide by his faith despite challenges, so if this brings up unresilved issues in you, please dont vomit your emotions here. Im looking for productive advice; if you dont have anything to offer, move along; I will not be reaponding kindly to mockery or naivette; and you yourself shall be responsible for it