I feel it is too risky to tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts/plans
I'm at an impasse here. I love my therapist so far, she is very kind and is trying her best with me, though I ultimately feel like I have made no progress over this last year. I can't tell if that is normal or not because my I've been stuck in a rut recently in general. Stuck where I do not want to be with depression and anxiety disintegrating my mind.
Anyways, the truth is I have been feeling suicidal for years now. I've dealt with depression, more-so anxiety, since I was in high school. A lot of that feeling is just suicidal ideation. I feel a lot of the time that killing myself will free me from all the shit that goes on in my head. Though, I have become better at letting those thoughts go.
Recently I have been planning. How and when I'd do it. But I never feel that I have it in me to do it...so I am stuck in the struggle of wanting to do it but unable to, at times, with my depression continuing to make it hard to feel anything or know what emotion is real.
I feel like I can't say this to my therapist. She knows I have suicidal and "hopeless" (which feels like a fucking child's way of describing what I am thinking and feeling) thoughts. But every time I want to bring up that I have a plan... the whole atmosphere of our meeting changes. She asks me the same by-the-book cookie cutter phrase that I have heard before and I feel like I have to talk my way out of it. I know why she does it; I know that it is protocol and she is doing her job here. I just feel in danger if I open up I'd be putting my freedom at risk. I do not want to be labeled a risk (again) and have people come out and assess me. I have told her directly that I do not want to be 51/50'd.
I do not want to be put in a position where my individuality is taken away from me and I become just another mental health risk but I also hate lying to my therapist because it cheapens everything I am doing in my meetings with her.
What can I do?