My sister wants to marry a man my family has serious concerns about — how do I support her without enabling a mistake?
I’m an older married sister (29F) and I’m struggling to navigate a situation with my younger sister (26F), my parents, and a man she wants to marry (27M).
My sister met this man online around 4 years ago while she was in medical school. At the time, she agreed to stop speaking to him because she wasn’t in a position to get married yet and our parents weren’t aware of him.
Now she’s finished medical school and is applying for training posts, and she recently brought him up again to my parents as someone she wants to seriously consider for marriage.
My dad spoke to him and came away feeling uneasy. The man was vague during the conversation, avoided answering certain questions about his family/situation, and didn’t seem keen on involving his parents at all. My dad asked if my mum could speak to his mum, but he avoided the question and never shared contact details. Instead, he requested that he wanted to speak directly to my sister.
For context:
- He lives in another city and has no plans to relocate.
- He works as an engineer and currently lives with his parents in a small house.
- He has no intention to buy his own place anytime soon so the expectation is that my sister would live with in-laws for a long time
- His family are significantly more conservative/religious than ours (they are Salafi, we are not) with the expectation she would wear hijab
- My sister prays, fasts, has no intention to wear hijab (she knows she should), very fashionable but not exactly modest, but is also quite independent, career-focused, and used to a very different family dynamic and privileged lifestyle (big house, lots of spending money from dad).
- Our families are very different. We are a little more on the liberal side than conservative.
My parents’ concerns are less about “status” and more about long-term compatibility:
- religious expectations
- lifestyle differences
- living with in-laws
- whether he would support her medical career/training
- and his lack of transparency so far.
Another concern is that if she gets placed in another city for training, he expects her to prioritise marriage and relocate around him, whereas medical training doesn’t really work that way. She has worked incredibly hard to get where she is and if she does not get a job in his city then it would be long distance for a very long time and ultimately come back to live with in-laws.
At the same time, my sister likes him and finds him attractive, which has been an issue with previous rishta’s she rejected. She believes he will look after her and thinks everyone is overcomplicating things.
My younger brother thinks my parents are being unfair and says she’s an adult who can make her own choices. My parents feel he and my sister are being naive and overlooking obvious incompatibilities.
I can see both sides:
- my sister is focusing more on emotional connection and attraction
- my parents are focusing on practical compatibility and reality
Both are important.
The more my parents push against it, the more defensive she becomes. I don’t want her to feel judged or ganged up on, but I also genuinely worry she’s overlooking major issues because of emotional attachment.
As an older sister, how do I approach this without damaging my relationship with her or making her feel unsupported?