Idk how to help myself
This post has been long overdue but..
I just hit my 2nd year mark of being unemployed, before that ive been in the workforce for 8years with most of that time being taken up working in sales at a single company. I never really had to worry too much about money during this time, I was well off.
Ever since I quit, I've been living off of my savings to pay the bills and do or buy whatever I wanted to(responsibly of course). A few weeks ago I had to move out of my house and move back in with my mom because I don't have enough savings left to live on my own for another year.
There's some back story...
I have been seriously struggling on finding the motivation to get a job and get my life back on track.
I was a big money saver, ever since high school. Once 2024 hit I had enough $ in all of my accounts to last me until around this time to keep my regular lifestyle while unemployed.
Over the years, I would always wonder why I'm saving all of this money, even though a part of me always knew that sooner or later I wouldn't be able to handle this anymore. Over the last 10 years I knew that one day I'd reach a breaking point with this thing we call the rat race- Well that time came for me 2 years ago.
I blew through basically all of my money, lost my girl of 8 years, now I'm back living at my moms.
I feel like my life is slowly falling apart, and I'm letting it.
I don't want to go back to the rat race, but I also don't want to keep doing nothing with my life I'm tired of it. I see my friends on the weekends and play games with them sometimes-and honestly, these are the only two things that are keeping me alive. Other than that I'm just doing nothing with my time.
My motivation feels like it can't be fixed, I don't have any self discipline. I've tried prozac long term then got off that, now I'm on adhd medication. I've tried being consistently positive with myself and having a healthy diet. I've cut out 90% of my alcohol intake. I've been attending in person therapy for almost 2 years now. I still feel this same dark cloud filled with hopelessness no matter what.
Now for the real urgent issue...
I gave my mom $3k a few weeks ago to play my part in staying here for a while. But I won't be able to do that again next time if I don't have any money coming in. She's going to be retiring here in about a year as well, and there's no way her retirement check can handle both of us.
I'm scared once that^day hits. I'm scared that my brain will forfeit because of my motivation and willpower to keep going will be at an all time low. Im scared that I'm going to do something to myself that I won't be able to take back. Selfishly, It just seems easier to check myself out instead of going back to the rat race and going back to absolutely dreading waking up every single morning for years at a time. I just don't want to deal with it all. I realize it will effect my friends and family, but honestly, I don't think I care. It's sad man, cuz my brain has been perfecting the plan for years now about how I'll take myself out. I hate it, it's exhausting. I'm just tired of myself. I wish I viewed this world differently.